Ami summed up one of the main things that snares Vboard members

[reallyME]

Ami, I hope you don't mind me starting this post with your quote:

We (I was) taught that I needed to get approval from outside in order to be OK( another lie)

I have seen this as one of the main issues of people still struggling with N-abuse issues.  They are still wanting and longing for the approval that is not going to come from a narcissist, parent or no.

Please, do yourselves a favor and learn how to find acceptance in yourselves in whatever way that comes for you.  You DESERVE to feel secure with yourselves and in your lives.  Don't keep on in the vicious cycle of unmet needs.  I know it hurts and is so hard and confusing and upsetting to tell yourself "mom/dad/friend/sister/relative, will most likely NEVER treat me nicely, meet my needs, hug me, nurture me, barring a miracle of God in themselves." but until you get to the point of inner acceptance of this, and realize you need to find a better, healthier way to meet your needs, you will spin in circles endlessly.  The N just was not created with the ability to love and nurture you in them. I'm so sorry.

Even the Bible states "hope deferred makes the heart sick."

Please do your best to find worth in yourself, with the help of medicine, a minister, a counselor, God, etc, and move on in life to positive things.

This is my Christmas gift and urge for anyone who wants to receive it.

~Laura

[Ami]

What *I* want to know Laura is HOW did you get SO smart????(lol)                      Love   Ami

[reallyME]

any intelligence I have comes from God's wisdom imparted, reading books, and experience.

[Ami]

Yes, God 's wisdom is what makes sense of this crazy world(lol)  ,Laura.                         Love   Ami

[seasons]

RM,
Yes so true, thank you.

Bean,
Way to go. Taking care of you. Your comments and reactions were very wise. ((Bean))

[Ami]

Dear Bean,
  I bow down  and take off my cyberspace hat(lol). I WISH that I was as mature as you are in this area. Well. you can blaze the trail for me.  I have such a long way to go to get where you are. I think that I am reallly just beginning my "internal" journey,now. My M's visit set me free to find myself. I don't have to "protect" her anymore.Now, I can grow the way that I should have ,earlier  .Bean, keep sharing. You give me hope that I can get there,too.                                                                           Love    Ami

[alone48]

Laura,

I have really been thinking about this alot the past few days. Logically, intellectually I know that I will never be what N wants or ever get the emotions I desire from him, but I still have that need. I have been trying to find ways to let go, but it seems to come in waves when I least expect it. I have been listening to my Christian radio station when I'm in the car and I believe God has geared alot of it intentionally for me. I just want the pain to go away and to look forward to living again. I hate that I have given N so much power over my life. You are so right, there is no way to make them feel what we think we need, I need to fix me.

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
 I  think that you are doing very,very well. I can empathize with the "addictive' feeling that you have for your N. I "hear" that in your posts. Maybe,I am wrong.
 It is really horrible to "crave" a person who is bad for you. It is like "craving" a whole chocolate cake,but worse(lol)--much worse. I think that if you could look at the "roots" of the craving,it would help.
  You are probably craving a mother of father. He probably "feels" like one of these relationships---good and bad.
  Maybe,if you write out all your feelings about the "cravings',it will help. It has helped me in the past,Alone. Thanks for your frienship. I appreciate it very much                              Love   Ami

(((((((((Alone)))))))))

[Overcomer]

Laura-  Can you tell me where the hope deferred makes the heart sick verse is in th Bible?  I would like to read the whole passage.  Maybe that is why I am heart sick all the time-I keep hoping for something to happen.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I think that it is Proverbs. Look in the back in the concordance under "hope". It is amazing how profound every ,single proverb is----every single word, really.                Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Yeah I know-I was taking the lazy way out.  I have an Exhaustive Concordance but it is still packed away.

[Leah]

Proverbs 13:12  (NASV)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

I believe that the above scripture is the one that you are looking for.

Love, Leah

[reallyME]

thanks, Leah.

Every time I have to hear H's voice or watch the weird way he always HAS to tuck his shirts into his pants (looks like a geek, like Steve Urkel or Screech or something)......it is very hard to not feel that MY hope is being deferred.

So, those of you who are struggling in situations that are far less than ideal in marriage, know that I"m right with ya.  Yeah, communication has improved a bit in marriage to where NH is a bit more conscious of being a butt head, but the large N part of him, has not totally transformed nor disappeared.  He thinks he looks like "everybody else" but everybody else that tucks their shirts in, does not have super high hipbones and a very straight body, like a box...it looks STUPID and the N part in me doesn't want to be associated with him, the geek.

I want to say "I FEEL EMBARRASSED being anywhere around you! you Know how to dress normal, so you don't stick out like a sore thumb, and you just do that for attention, which is the story of your entire life...always having to be the attention-getter, whether for being the one who:

--- was the IDEAL citizen
--- stayed and took care of mom when nobody did
--- didn't do drugs LIKE your brothers
--- can do NO WRONG
--- is the PERFECT neighbor

sorry, but this "golden child" mentality he has always had (but that didn't come out till after we had been married a while, of course), got OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD a LONG TIME AGO!

~Laura

[Overcomer]

Ha Ha!  It sounds like somebody might be PMSing!  I can totally relate-my H looks ok but my girls call him the plaid guy.  What drives me crazy about my H is this "stuck in the past" mentality he has.  He ONLY listens to Journey and I have come to hate this group.

[reallyME]

OH WOW OVERCOMER, can We stay in touch?  Yes, the "stuck in the past thing" is the same with my H.  I feel so glad I'm not alone.  Can we share more about H?  Is yours and N as well?  Are you deciding to stick it out over the longhaul or do you often contemplate LEAVING?

Please share with me.  Maybe together we can do this thing called...cough cough blech! MARRIAGE

~Laura