the boyfriend thing

[write]

Bean made me think some more about new partners. I do have this fantasy of meeting someone and getting married and having a baby before I get too old, but the guy I met in the spring who wanted to rush that frightened me off too- I know it's wisest to take some time and get to know someone before making a lifelong relationship with them- which is what a co-parenting relationship would be.

I can't imagine going through it all again into my sixties because I am repeating a pattern, as my therapist suggested!

My son was asking some questions this morning and something made me stop and think: he said 'you must have known what dad was like and loved him anyway'. Son is having a healthy honest relationship with his father, everything I can talk about age-appropriately is out in the open now, even ex talks pretty freely.

I really appreciate this time because I know those quantum shifts with NPD might mean as the boy grows up and maybe his dad will react to his agency or achievement the relationship may sour. I pray not- but I know what NPD is like now. There's not going to be a consistency or a steady growth.

Anyway, I thought to myself: how could I have thought the man wanted me or loved me, it seemed almost ludicrous but one way at a time he told me he didn't, the criticism, lack of affection, not sleeping in the same room, not having sex and then- aggression. It seems ridiculous to me I could ever have seen this as a relationship which could function as a marriage.

So with the boyfriend thing, that's why I need to take it pretty slow Bean- I clearly have a pretty high tolerance for abusive or inappropriate behaviour.

If I hadn't got sick through all the stress I might still be there, jumping through hoops and wondering where exactly my own life derailed.

My son looks so well and happy, beautiful. We talk about everything.

With his dad- I am always conscious of the other shoe waiting to drop, but it has less and less impact except to reinforce that even if it hurt people and broke with my faith it was the right decision to divorce.

Hops said a couple of years ago that she married again to an even bigger disaster, and I suspect I narrowly escaped that with the guy at church, his behaviour on Christmas Eve made me feel that same pit-of-the-stomach dread for a few moments, as though I hd done something wrong, which I hadn't.

And it seems to me it's hard to be as grounded within a relationship as it is as a single person.

I'm not too worried now if I stay single, it doesn't matter as much to me.

I know being in a relationship won't fulfill me as completely as having a full and happy life even if it were the best relationship. And my relationships have a track record of being pretty difficult so far...

[changing]

Hi Write-

You seem to be doing things the right way, choosing what you want and who you want it with. Your son is also doing well, and that is the most important thing of all! I only hope that I learn and apply that knowledge as well as you do, in my own life.

Happy Holidays,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear `Write,
 You sound very "sensible'. I stayed in my marriage,partly, b/c I saw many, many people "repeat" and it ,often, was worse. That was one experience that I did not want to have. I knew that it I was the same, I would probably pick a similar partner and one day I would wake up to a similar  horror show,complete with step parents, step children and all those complications which would try the "strongest" people.
  It is hard to know what to do, I am sure. I don't think that I would ever want to get married ,again. Marriage seems to "unleash" FOO issues like Pandora's box opening--bleh. Dating and being a "significant other' seem to keep the box closed or just opened a 'crack'.(lol)
 One thing that I do know is that I have made so many mistakes that I cannot judge and that is good,in itself
Keep sharing, Write.              Love   Ami

[write]

is it me or is the board acting up today?! I kept bouncing around from link to link at first!

I only hope that I learn and apply that knowledge as well as you do, in my own life.

I think we do what we do until we don't need to do it any more changing! I'm reading a book right now called 'what's your sabotage?' and it's put so well in there, so simply, about meeting our internal 'higher needs' that we may not even be aware of, and doing things which on the surface seem harmful or irrational- but they make sense to us on another level internally.

As CB says I have whole crises and wars in my head that don't really necessitate an N partner.

But I think by acting them out with someone else it's more satisfying on this internal level. It doesn't feel quite the same to write yourself a letter or journal. That's when I discovered that letting things turn into creativity and still be 'out there' was better for me. Having internalised so much I've come to a stage of life where I just need to be extrovert more- hence the performing I suppose. I used to be so shy it would quash that, right now I can stand up in front of a crowd and really enjoy singing or speaking. I even did some stand-up comedy this year!

So I think the answer is soemwhere between recognising our internal needs and struggles then still meeting them- but not as you say in an arena which drags in a whole perosnal cast of new relations and expectations!

That can be hard too though if it's the first time in life of living alone- I've had to learn to be with myself and to be quiet and not overwhelmed by lack of external reassurance that I'm here and I'm okay. And I've so much buried myself in other people sometimes, especially with Christian ideals and hanging out with my family and other difficult people- it's VERY quiet now when it's just me! It is tempting just to reach for the nearest available person, or to seek out another high-maintenance person or situation to start over with.

What is so different now though is I can meet all these needs myself through my work. I've never taken my work nearly seriously- it always felt like 'playing' for some reason to be busily content. I guess my family and ex reinforced my belief it wasn't real though again it was my son who pointed it out to me one day when he was being rude: 'you don't have a real job anyway'.
Suddenly I realised I wasn't making it into a real job because I didn't see it as such...but now I have.

If I paint or write or perform- it's a valid thing which brings me genuine fulfillment, growth and human contact and feedback.

It really helps that I don't consult many people any more about my ideas or plans, and I have a cheerleading squad who I can go to when I'm feeling insecure.

I would probably pick a similar partner and one day I would wake up to a similar  horror show,complete with step parents, step children and all those complications which would try the "strongest" people.

Ami that's the thing- sexual attraction has many components, I know now I really am drawn to certain men, and that a large enough percentage are narcissistic for me to see it. I've always quelled my own sexuality a lot because of the bipolar- it can become hyper & even immoral at times. Not sure how much of it can be relearned or undone at my age, but I am willing to try.

But I know I also get a tremendous sense of personal satisfaction from having taken on my ex as a partner (twice ) and overcomign all this mayhem. The therapist says I am taming my childhood struggles, and it's very risky. I did almost die at one point and I would never let myself get to that place again. So I have to be aware that havign finally extricated myself from one situation which eventaully brought me satisfaction- I don't try it again.

As Hops predicted the man at church seems to have a streak of cruelty which surpasses ex- he hurts randomly around him and his anger is even more out of control. I'll write it here and come back to it next year- but I predict he will cause chaos in his community this year, I can see some kind of crisis growing in him.

Do I as an observer, as a Christian, as someone who already has this tendency to submerge myself in these difficult situations- do I need to get into that? I don't think so, but interestingly if he had done just a few things 'right' to fully engage my attention- I would have! There but for the grace of G_d and a lot of distraction- go I.

I am so afraid of intimacy that it takes very little to trigger me. 

me too CB. Not sure how to deal with that....

[Bella_French]

Dear write,

Its wonderful that you have a beautiful son to show for that relationship. If nothing else, that is wonderful outcome for having met an N and suffered all that pain. He will learn about his father, eventually, but at least he will be able to talk it over with you when that happens. He's just so lucky to have a mother who has figured it all out, and is graceful enough to let him find his own way with all this.

X bella

[write]

when you disappeared I thought two things 1)  something bad happened 2) you were probably just trying to limit your computer time.   I know...I can have quite an imagination.

sorry Bean. I did tell people what I was doing & I was taking a break, I felt like a pattern was developing where instead of dealing with an emotion or situation I was obsessively using the computer instead, also I wanted to free up time and energy on writing other stuff.

I get like that with therapy from time to time- need a break to assimilate where I'm at and just 'be' for a while.

I think it's easy to substitue one emotional prop for another, especially for me- I'm so intense and have such strong religious ideas I can justify to myself what I am doing then only later realise it wasn't all that healthy either.

if we've helped each other along on our journeys, I guess that's the best I could hope for.

yes, to me that's the ultimate intimacy, to 'be' alongside someone and you both still grow.

I don't want to merge with someone else, though I would like to be able to surrender parts fo myself sometimes, and trust better and be emotionally and sexually more intimate.

My defenses are still too high for that but I am working on it, and also coming to some acceptance about the types of relationships I can and can't do. I mean- I make myself worse in the long run by trusting people who don't even trust themselves! then wonder why over time my levels of trust diminuish...

I always enjoy knowing you (also, you've helped me a lot through example

thanks. I've enjoyed you too, and many others here. Example is a good thing, we can learn a lot from others, even if it's only 'don't think I'll do that!'

He's just so lucky to have a mother who has figured it all out, and is graceful enough to let him find his own way with all this.

he's sulking and hateful today because I am keeping him in for being unkind to his friend yesterday! Today I am the worst mother ever, apparently...

if some patterns get repeated, Oh well, no one dies (or in you case, luckily you did not die).

one of the things I insist on with son is to look at kindness and compassion- my greatest fear is he'll role-model on a man with no strong empathy. He is already quite sentimental, like his father.

But life IS a slow death for people who suffer abuse, I thought I was so strong and capable but I was eroded time and again no matter how much rebuilding or regrouping I did.

If my voice sounds strong and clear it's because it's undistorted now- the mistakes I make are my own, I live in my own version of reality.

I'm not sure if I can do that in a relationship, there are a lot of patterns established culturally in marriage-type relationships. I think I want to be with someone who doesn't believe they must take a certain role. I want a negotiated relationship next time, where we're both equal and respectful from the start.

Interestingly approaching them with all with that in mind- most relationships don't even get off the ground! There's such a lot of game and role-playing in establishing dating relationships! Plus I'm from another culture, so I don't even get some of the nuances even of that!

But I will not get emotionally invested in someone who can't get their mind around a safe happy spiritual partnership just to meet my other needs....and that's why I am not dating really. I so much would like a baby I'll just compromise and then maybe end up with another similar situation to now, a child growing up confused between two adults with different realities. I'm very purposeful once I make my mind up and I'll just slip into the values ( or lack of values ) of my childhood in order to get the practical marriage and child- and undo all this work on achieving happiness and higher fulfillment.

I've prayed a lot about all this and in my G_d-place I know all is as it should be and I should wait, for now.

Love
~W