anyone else want to leave but have no financial resources?

[coco]

or have a success story of  how you were able to magically leave with no financial resources. i just want out. but i have two teenage girls still at home and i don't make enough to support us. i don't have the money to pay an attourney to file for a divorce, i don't have the money for an apartment where i won't get shot living there.

[lighter]

Hi Coco:

Divinesunshine is in the middle of a divorce right now. 

She took her children and went to a woman's shelter when she left.

Please..... tell us something about yourself so we can better help you.

[coco]

i am so exhausted emotionally, physically, spiritually and in any way you can be from dealing with a verbally abusive and manipulative h. i have 4 children from my previous marriage. the two older ones have been driven away by him  and my 14 and 16 year old want to leave. my parents invited my youngest to come and stay with them for a while and she was really looking forward to the break. but he won't allow her to go. i am afraid as usual to overide him for fear of what he would do to myself and my other child. i deal with this meanness every day. have for almost 10 yrs. i am starting to see that i am losing myself. i'm giving up. i have come to the conclusion i'll never be able to leave and even if i could i'm scared to death of dying alone in poverty. but i have no one to turn to no friends no family. i can't even go to a counselor. i have a job but even though he makes ten times more than me he makes me pay for all the groceries and everything for the children even all birthday and christmas gifts. he took off and left for begas without telling me where he was going last week and then spent christmas day calling me the c word several times and telling me how stupid i am. i gave him a couple of nice gifts which he told me to take and shove up my a**.  he took my middle childs bathroom away from her and took her off of the car ins. policy. then told the youngest if she wasnt careful the back yard would be their bathroom. and yet i am trying to make nice with him. to have peace. i think i'm losing my mind. like a terrible mother. he has been great for about 3 mos. and then out of the blue another episode. here we go again. he never apologizes, never admits he's done anything wrong. just that i deserve it or he wouldn't do it. i just want out. i feel so helpless. i am helpless.

[teartracks]

Hi coco,

I've never been in your exact circumstances.  I know from seeing various TV shows like Oprah, that in your circumstances, you need to make a plan.   Women's shelters are a place to start, but if you are being stalked then, having an escape plan in place is vital in making a 'safe' escape.  I am sure there are others here who will offer suggestions on how to do that.   Hang on, I know they will be forthcoming in their posts tomorrow.

Many hugs...

tt

[Hopalong]

Coco, I'm so sorry.
But so glad you're posting.

Just writing your intention to get out of this hellish relationship brings you one step closer to freedom.

Women's shelter is the place to start.
Go see them, talk to them.

love
aHops

[changing]

Hi Coco-

You and your children don't deserve to live that way, I know- your husband is using financial and terrible verbal abuse and threats against you and your children. I know that this hurts very much- I have suffered this myself , Coco. There are Domestic Violence shelters if you live in the United States. You and your children will have a place to stay and protection,food, counseling and such while you sort things out. They can also in many cases  help with getting the public financial aid that you may need in order to reestablish yourself on your own.
You might contact the local Legal Aid in your area. Do not let your husband know what you are doing. Get the numbers of all bank accounts and policies, copies of your tax returns, etc, and have your papers ready to file for support if you decide to leave. If you can keep a journal in a safe locked  place (at work maybe?) that could help as well. Be careful not to be traced on the computer- you might keep a journal there as well.
In states with community property laws, you are entitled to half of what either party earned during the marriage. In other states, it may be important to show some sort of proof of your husband's actions. Perhaps you could have  consultations with family law practice lawyers in your area- they may be able to force your husband to pay for legal services because of his financial position if you file for divorce.
Your husband could very well have to provide for you and let you and the children live in the house until they are 18- again, you should see a lawyer (and not let your husband know) to see where you stand. Much depends upon where you are living, your respective earnings amounts.
You can get free counseling and support in many areas. Call information and get the number for the Domestic Violence Hotline- they can make a referral in your area to a support group, and many have psychiatrists and such that they can refer people to. There are also free psychological Family Counseling Centers in many areas.
I feel so badly for you and your children and hope that things will be better soon, and that you will find a way to do what you know you need to do. Your children depend upon you for protection and the things that they need to learn to make a life for themselves- a safe home, a good education, stability. You can do what you need to for their sakes and yours.
Please post when you you want to talk about it.

Love and Prayers,

Changing

[lighter]

Lots of good advice here Coco.

Your husband may be controlling you with fear and verbal threats. 

He may be a huge coward who had no intention of following through with his threats.... or he may be beating you and your children..... I can't tell from here.

If you truly think he'll hurt you or the children... the exit plan is necessary. 

You may avail yourself to a Temporary Restraining order at (magistrates?) court without an attorney, btw. 

You can also get temporary support awarded after you file for the divorce.  It usually takes between 30 and 60 days to get that hearing so make copies of papers, tax returns and any records you think will dissapear when he knows something's up.  Don't hesitate to have him arrested if he harms you or the children.  That's imperative.

You need help.  It's not OK for him to abuse you and your children.  You can make a plan and you can get out.  Here.... 10 years of marriage is a new level in alimony and a split of estate.

I think you need to speak to an attorney.  Do you have access to any joint accounts?  Can you get you hands on money?  Will your parents help you?  Who can you count on..... think think think.  At one point, I was having jewelers give me numbers on my wedding ring when I wasn't getting support and the school bills were due.

If your parents would take in your daughter.... would they not offer you some help as well? 

More details please and people here will continue to keep sharing their situations so you can learn. 

In the meantime..... begin getting records together of your expenses and document document document. 

Do you need to check your State laws on recording conversations then buy a recorder and tape some of the threats he's making?  If you do...... you can get the recorder at Radio Shack along with a separate earpiece that plugs into audio outlet on recorder.  The earpiece fits into your ear and you hold the phone over that. You must hold the phone away from recorder or the recorder squeals so loudly you'll be freaked out for an hour.  Take the time to document the conversations and write down important things at the number marker you recorded it at for future reference.  Get a file folder together and keep it at work if you can.  Organize and prepare for the next level.  He may have to leave the house, not you, btw.  Esp if he's making threats and or hurting you.   

Nothing like deposing a liar and playing back conversations he's just vehemently denied.  That takes money though..... you don't have to keep paying all the bills... you can pocket that money and pay your attorney?  Then let the courts force him to pay the bills. 

Not saying that's the plan but.... you have to stop being so frightened that you can't think.  Time to rise above and take a look with less emotion..... though I realize that's easier said than done.  Once you've bent so far backwards for a peace that doesn't exist.... you're badly compromised.  There is recovery for that though.... don't despair.  You can rise up and take control of your life back. 

The courts like litigants that are stable, consistent and CONSISTENT.  Attorney's dismiss and shy away from squirrelly and frightened though it seems so unfair that the abused are abused once again in the system. Learn to tell your story with facts and very little emotion.  Attorneys deal in facts.... they don't generally give a hank about the unfairness of your situation.  They'd rather file an uncontested divorce than one that includes causes.... like cheating and cruelty.... those just add more time and if there's nothing to fight over..... it may not be necessary, though it sounds like you're really frightened you'll be harmed.  Keep in mind....your dh will have to provide support at some point and his refusing to help in the beginning will look bad for him.  The courts don't love anyone in a divorce but.... they tend to frown on men who allow their children's water and gas to be shut off bc they're being dicks, KWIM?

You need some good advice.  Free legal help should be available..... domestic violence sources will have information and I'd definately show up at a meeting and ask some qauestions about legal help and your rights. 

Domestic Violence, mental and physical, is different than regular divorce.  You need to speak to people who know what you're talking about.  Don't waste time trying to convinvce people what's happening to you.  That's frustrating and not productive.  Ask who handles this sort of thing for women in your situation.  Also, ex District Attorneys turned divorce attorney's should understand very quickly. 

Try to calm down and think without the frantic fear....... you can do it. 

[Bella_French]

Dear Coco,

I spent a lot of time on support forums before, during, and after I left my ex. He was neglectful, emotionally and verbally abusive, extremely cruel, and as it turned out, a chronic cheat. The forums really helped me to regain my spirit and over-come the brainwashing. It also helped me to see that other women had felt how I felt, but had gone onto have happy and fullfilled lives once they left their abusive partners.

Boy it was hard though! The power of brainwashing is SO intense. It took me a lot of time, something like 18 months to cut contact from him completely. I felt worthless the entire time. Then I really struggled with starting a new life, where he couldn't follow me around trying to sabotage everything.

It was worth it though. Life is so precious, Coco. There are so many good men, and good causes,  out there who are worthy of your love, and would be so enriched to have you in their life. Why waste your gifts on someone cruel and mean? He's not your `kind' . Cruel people don't belong with kind people, I think that it is as simple as that.

I don't know if I'm a success story exactly, but like s many women wh oleft abusive partners, I did go onto fnd a new & wonderful partner, and discovered what real love is all about. I've also accomplished a lot more, and I'm very happy with my life. I dunno, maybe suffering is what makes a person really appreciate good people?

Love to you!

X bella