Ami summed up one of the main things that snares Vboard members

[Overcomer]

The Message says  Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,  But a queen good break can turn life around.

[Overcomer]

But a Sudden good break can turn life around!  When will I ever learn to proof read!

[Overcomer]

L-yes I often think of leaving.  He is just so stupid.  He drones on and on about the same things over and over again.  He drinks too much and does not get Christianity at all.  He calls his faith Lutheranism and I tell him that is a denomination NOT a faith.  When he gets me in his car I am held captive and he puts on Journey.  I would like them if they were not shoved down my throat for six years.  He procrastinates to a fault and it takes him FOREVER to do ANYTHING.  I do almost everything.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly and Laura,
  I am sorry that you are hurting.
((((((((((Kelly,Laura))))))))))))))                            Love   Ami

[alone48]

Ami,

     You are so right, it is like a craving. One that you know is bad for you and if you succomb you will feel bad later, but you still want it. I know that it revolves around my father. He raised four kids on his own after my mother died and he never let us forget how wonderful he was for doing it. I realize it was a tough job, but I can't ever imagine reminding my children how lucky they are that I stayed to raise them and didn't give them away. I use to pray that he would let me go live with my aunt and uncle (who had no children, but  a loving relationship)that could never happen though, because he wouldn't be able to look like the martry. I continue to find people that are not able to give love/emotion and then strive to win them. I am very much aware of this, just need to learn how to STOP!
      I have never felt more alone in my life and I believe it's because I am finally admitting to my choices. I thought I had an abundance of friends, but come to realize when I quit doing for everyone they aren't around much. I am the perpetual codependent. I don't drink, smoke, or much else just thrive on being needed and picking the wrong people for this. I have never taken care of myself first......wouldn't know how.
     Well, I've rattled on enough and it's just so depressing, but thanks for asking.

[Ami]

Ami,

     You are so right, it is like a craving. One that you know is bad for you and if you succomb you will feel bad later, but you still want it. I know that it revolves around my father. He raised four kids on his own after my mother died and he never let us forget how wonderful he was for doing it. I realize it was a tough job, but I can't ever imagine reminding my children how lucky they are that I stayed to raise them and didn't give them away. I use to pray that he would let me go live with my aunt and uncle (who had no children, but  a loving relationship)that could never happen though, because he wouldn't be able to look like the martry. I continue to find people that are not able to give love/emotion and then strive to win them. I am very much aware of this, just need to learn how to STOP!
      I have never felt more alone in my life and I believe it's because I am finally admitting to my choices. I thought I had an abundance of friends, but come to realize when I quit doing for everyone they aren't around much. I am the perpetual codependent. I don't drink, smoke, or much else just thrive on being needed and picking the wrong people for this. I have never taken care of myself first......wouldn't know how.
     Well, I've rattled on enough and it's just so depressing, but thanks for asking.

Dear Alone,
  You are NOT rattling on--not at all. You NEED to do this. You need to keep talking about it. I have only recently felt those type of deep feeings. It is horrible, really.
  The only thing that helps is realizing that the "person" is not what you "really" want--it is that primal love. The person could give you a "fake" sense of it that would feel real,but at some point, you would be left alone with the feelings b/c they are inside you(me)---bleh.
 Keep writing, Alone.               Love   Ami

[alone48]

The feelings from N weren't real at all and that is what I am grappling with. I still have memories of the relationship "I had" not the real one. It started as a business relationship and he knew he could use me for his needs. He was able to see my vulnerablity and take advantage of it. I think  I knew this early on,but chose to ignore it and hope he really liked me. Somewhere in the four year realtionship I (and also my friends) believe that he did come to like me, but not the way he portrayed. He constantly said we were just friends but then would do things to lead me to believe otherwise, such as call me his valentine and telling me I was his best friend and only one he was close to. His old girlfriend (who had married his best friend) told me that in the thirty years she had known him, I was the only real relationship he had/including herself.

We only had a sexual relationship three times, after which he told me he wasn't able to maintain relationships, only friendships and therefore we couldn't have a physical relationship. At the time I told him, that I had not had sex with my ex in over ten years and found it devestating that he would end it after three times, his only answer was "it's not you, it's me" Probably was, but you can understand my feelings of no worth. We continued to have a three and a half year "friendship" where we traveled together (me paying of course), went camping, on cruises, worked on his house, and just plain hung our almost every weekend. It was toatlly his control of how the relatinship went. He didn't want me, but didn't want me with anyone else either. When I didn't conform, he would withdraw and make me chase him back. Shame to admit that I did numerous times. He was at the end of a careeer that was quickly fading, it was physical and he was getting older. Where I had a very respectable position that he envied. He set out to destroy me and almost has......I don't think he is done yet. Just some of what is going on.

[Ami]

uote author=alone48 link=topic=6508.msg105417#msg105417 date=1199035918]
The feelings from N weren't real at all and that is what I am grappling with. I still have memories of the relationship "I had" not the real one. It started as a business relationship and he knew he could use me for his needs. He was able to see my vulnerablity and take advantage of it. I think  I knew this early on,but chose to ignore it and hope he really liked me. Somewhere in the four year realtionship I (and also my friends) believe that he did come to like me, but not the way he portrayed. He constantly said we were just friends but then would do things to lead me to believe otherwise, such as call me his valentine and telling me I was his best friend and only one he was close to. His old girlfriend (who had married his best friend) told me that in the thirty years she had known him, I was the only real relationship he had/including herself.

We only had a sexual relationship three times, after which he told me he wasn't able to maintain relationships, only friendships and therefore we couldn't have a physical relationship. At the time I told him, that I had not had sex with my ex in over ten years and found it devestating that he would end it after three times, his only answer was "it's not you, it's me" Probably was, but you can understand my feelings of no worth. We continued to have a three and a half year "friendship" where we traveled together (me paying of course), went camping, on cruises, worked on his house, and just plain hung our almost every weekend. It was toatlly his control of how the relatinship went. He didn't want me, but didn't want me with anyone else either. When I didn't conform, he would withdraw and make me chase him back. Shame to admit that I did numerous times. He was at the end of a careeer that was quickly fading, it was physical and he was getting older. Where I had a very respectable position that he envied. He set out to destroy me and almost has......I don't think he is done yet. Just some of what is going on.
[/quote]



Dear Alone,
  You know what hit me as I read your post. He MADE you want him and crave him and then he pulled away. He  manipulated you in such a way that he could dangle you(probably sub--consciously).
 Your needs for love pulled you in to the drama.You still crave the "love and connection" that he DID give you.  It felt like the answer that you always wanted and it probably was,in a way,but he could not sustain it. . You are probably dreaming of resurrecting that SHORT period when he was what you wanted and needed(or appeared to be). Maybe,I am all wrong.I just had an intuitive feeling that you might be experiencing this.                  Love    Ami

[alone48]

no Ami, you are totally right. I realize this intellectually, but the craving is still there. My friends believe that he knew what he was doing from the begining and I just played into it. He lost out on an inheiritance from his father and believed that in my position I could help him. I did try and actaully was instumental in getting his half brother convicted of elder abuse, but the attorneys wanted too much money to pursue the estate from his half sister. I believe he had anger at me for letting him down (in his eyes) and maybe this was his retaliation. There was so much more and it became convoluted, but ultimately I believe he resented me and this was my payback. There still is one more issue hanging over my head and I'm not sure how he will handle it , but I should know by the end of the month. It has caused alot of stress and I only hope it is the end. He also resents that I didn't do things the way he wanted. Sometime around the first of the year, I started withdrawing and not giving as much......not good from his perspective.

[Ami]

no Ami, you are totally right. I realize this intellectually, but the craving is still there. My friends believe that he knew what he was doing from the begining and I just played into it. He lost out on an inheiritance from his father and believed that in my position I could help him. I did try and actaully was instumental in getting his half brother convicted of elder abuse, but the attorneys wanted too much money to pursue the estate from his half sister. I believe he had anger at me for letting him down (in his eyes) and maybe this was his retaliation. There was so much more and it became convoluted, but ultimately I believe he resented me and this was my payback. There still is one more issue hanging over my head and I'm not sure how he will handle it , but I should know by the end of the month. It has caused alot of stress and I only hope it is the end. He also resents that I didn't do things the way he wanted. Sometime around the first of the year, I started withdrawing and not giving as much......not good from his perspective.

Dear Alone,
  This is just an intuitive feeling,again,but I don't think that he pulled away b/c of anything you did or didn't do.It is easier for us to "blame" ourselves . I think that part of that is b/c  IF it was our fault --and not s/thing inherent in him--we can still have a chance with him. Part of this type of thinking on our part is subconscious.Also, it is hard to see s/one whom you "loved' so much as inherently flawed. It is easier to think that our actions had the 'power" to turn the relationship "bad".
   Alone, I think that the relationship was doomed from the start b/c he cannot love. He can "fake" love, but not "real" love, which  takes a kind of emotional  strength which he does not possess.
 I am reluctant to write this b/c it sounds harsh and maybe I am wrong,also.
 It just feels like it could help to set you free.
 I think that it is hard for you(it would be for me ,too) to face the "finality" that he just can't "love"--no matter what you did or how you did it. Compost what does  not fit, Alone. I hate to write such painful words. Forgive me for the pain that they will probably bring. .I am sorry for the pain you have suffered with him, Alone.
                         Love   Ami

[alone48]

Ami, again I agree that he didn't have the ability to love. Someone is not alone for over twenty years because they are a giving and loving person. I hope no one that is alone takes that wrong, but he did not have any substantial relationships in that time AT ALL. He seemed to think he was too good for any of the people he met, I believe they stood up to him and therefore he banished them. I was more complacent and in the begining he enjoyed having control over someone he felt was accomplished. That must have worn thin when he realized my love for him caused me to be just like all the rest and I was no longer a challenge.

I use to say that my ex (not N) loved me as much as he was capable and I believe that of N also......sad to say I accepted it as enough. You're not harsh, just factual. Really I'm a pretty strong person except for N. I don't get offended easily, especially if it's the truth.

[reallyME]

The Message says  Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,  But a

queen good break can turn life around.

Who IS this Queen Good Break and how do I meet her? (smiles)

[Bella_French]

You are so wise Laura!

Its humbling discovering how much of my own behavior has been motivated by wanting to elevate my status in my mother's eyes, and be one of the `Golden' children. I don't think I acknowledged it consciously for many years. But looking back, that is what I was always trying to do!! I'd feel best about myself when I was close to meeting her expectations, and worse when I didn't. Personally, i think her expectations of me are too high and also contradictory. I stopped thinking  could be perfect for her long ago, but it took much longer to feel ok about that.

Great Topic, Thanks for starting it!

X bella

[alone48]

Bella,

No matter how hard you try, the expectations keep rising. As was said in another post, it's never good enough......but we keep trying don't we.
Even when you realize you'll not meet the goals it's hard to give up. Maybe just this time if I do this or ignore this.....never works. I know it and still don't know how to quit trying. I think most of us here know exactly what I'm talking about and struggle with the same problem.

[Ami]

You are so wise Laura!

Its humbling discovering how much of my own behavior has been motivated by wanting to elevate my status in my mother's eyes, and be one of the `Golden' children. I don't think I acknowledged it consciously for many years. But looking back, that is what I was always trying to do!! I'd feel best about myself when I was close to meeting her expectations, and worse when I didn't. Personally, i think her expectations of me are too high and also contradictory. I stopped thinking  could be perfect for her long ago, but it took much longer to feel ok about that.

Great Topic, Thanks for starting it!

X bella

Dear Bella,
  Boy, what a bondage. I spent my entire life trying to get my M to approve of me.. The worst thing that I lost was my mind. Now, I am trying to get it back -----not THAT easy(LOL)                Love   Ami