I have to write about my M, H and me. At some point,I started putting feelings in to my stomach.I I did not know how to deal with feelings in a "normal" way-----express them.
I see that my stomach aches are also a way not take direct responsibility for who I am, what I feel. It is like an alternative route on a map. The direct route will get you there whole and well. The alternative route is long and windy and there is a good chance you could go off in to a ditch. I see that I have abdicated my life ,in many ways.I have patterns ,in my relationship with my H that I "swallow' my anger and other feelings. His anger(rages) "prevented" me from being direct about MY anger. His "breaking" s/thing was more than enough to 'shut me down" when I was shut down(mostly) anyway.So, I turned anger and other emotions inward where it was "safe". Now, I have to take the indirect route and make it "direct"
Last night, my whole family joined in a "fight". The worst part of the night was not my M, who I know loves me( the best she can) but my H who is fighting to keep me "abused'(in my safe "spot").
With him,I don't see the genuine "love" of my M(even though she is an N),I see the desire to claw me to the bottom so he can have his own image.The genuine love is not there. There is caring and a feeling of "protecting",but it only goes as far as the degree to which I protect his image. If I don't ,I am thrown overboard,with no remorse.If I am angry, that does not protect his image. My protecting his image makes me one dimensional--no feelings, anger,sense of self, self esteem.I am the "wife". I look good to others and make him look good . If I do that, we have a "good " marriage.If I wake up and become 3D with feelings, then he must push me down again to 1D.
Last night,I saw the truth of my H more than the truth of my M. I did see the truth of my M.However,I saw how she simply was lost--under so,many,many lies.I still have a huge amount of anger toward her that I have to dispel,but down deep,I think that I forgive her. She really ,really tried to do what was best for me. She was simply too distorted to know what that was.It WAS all about her (always) and still is.
Last night,I asked my H to let my M and I talk alone. NO----instead he threw his dog(his problems with me) in the fight and started hammering me and trying to form an alliance with my M against me. That was a betrayal . He knows how much pain I have with my M. I was asking for space and respect. He did not have the most basic respect for me when he jumped in with both feet-- dagger poised The two son's jumped in,too--both on a different side(lol)
The WORST pain of the whole night was what my H did with my M .
He did not realize that I had gotten strong . He was shocked at my ability to fight.I learned how to fight .
My problem ,though,is holding anger(and other emotions) in my stomach MORE than it is either my M or H. It is that I am not whole in how I feel emotion and express it. I am "half" a person.I need to reclaim my emotions(all of them)--not push them down in fear. I need to honor my gut--first ---in all my relationships. This is "normal "living,I think. My Aunt does this 'normally"
I think that "normal" people know how to express emotions in a way to respect others and themselves(most of the time). They don't stuff emotions , rage or use addictions. They can own their emotions. If you don't own them, they will own you,I think.
My anger and pain is owning me and I need to turn it around and own it--without fear of dissaproval.
I see that I need to get on the "direct" route with my emotions. I guess that fear has stopped me. Fear seems to be at the root of most every unhealthy emotional pattern.
That is my goal now---to become a whole person(connected to my core) with all the emotions at my disposal. Ami
