Is he really an N

[alone48]

I've been reading previous posts and have come to question my judgement on whether he's an N or not. Maybe it's something I want to pin on him as it makes my wrong choices easier to accept. If he's an N then I really got sucked in rather than making stupid choices on my own. Did I lable him as an N and really I have the problems, not him? Just wondering how to dechipher this, not dismissing that he is an N.

[Ami]

You are so sweet, Alone. What a tough question. I wish I had s/thing helpful /practical to add. Maybe, other people will. I am glad that you are examining it and asking the questions.   Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))

[alone48]

I truly do believe he fits the profile but in all fairness I must question it. I think my ex(not the N) has characteristics of an N, but certainly is able to act and have normal feelings (whatever that is) and maybe is just more full of himself than NPD. N has no remorse and easily writes people off. I have personally seen him lie numerous times and he believes his lies. Everything has been done to him and he projects his own faults easily onto others with no remorse. He recycles friends and therefore is able to say he has longtime friends, when in actuality they are continuously new to his circle and have forgotten the hurts. He is charismatic enough to regain most of them over time, but they remain superficial friends. I got too close and have been banished forever, as I knew too much. I do believe I got closer than most anyone and therefore must pay. Is he NPD.....?

[alone48]

Izzy,

Thanks, I have read and do know that he is an N. The denial is there still, but ultimately I know. I fortunately worked in mental health and had resources of doctors available that knew me well and were able to sift through the mess. They all tried to get me out before I went deeper, but to no avail. So here I am no trying to sort it out on my own. I no longer have my job and those resources, hence the board. I know that we can't diagnose, but many a times in my previous job, I KNEW, by intuition which I know longer trust. The courts honestly trusted my instincts and would grant continuances to get the facts, based on my previous record. He set out to destroy that and I allowed it.

[lighter]

Alone.... I can't tell if you're trying to figure out if he's an N or not bc you think you can help/change him if he's not or what.

If he's got tendencies.....

if he's sacraficing you so he doesn't have to see himself clearly.....

if you were losing your sanity.....

it's enough to know you had to go your own way.

You don't have to make complete sense of it.

What you do have to do is figure out what boundaries aren't in place for yourself, erect them and defend.

That's your job.

Taking care of you.

I don't much care about dx'ing folks past wrapping my mind around what it means to me.

He might be antisocial with N tendencies.  He might be NPD or just antisocial. 

All sociopaths are N's.... not all N's are sociopaths?

Who cares? 

What does his behavior mean to you?

What are you going to do about it?

That's what I see mattering. 

[alone48]

Right at this point I don't need boundaries against him as he has banished me, my main goal is to maintain NC as long as possible until I don't even need to think about it. I guess I am just trying to define it so I won't make the same mistake and be more aware in the future. I know I will never figure it out, too many hours have been wasted on that. MY friends, colleaugues, and family all agree he's just crazy and I will be too if I keep investing in this.

[lighter]

The boundaries will ensure you don't allow this back in your life again. 

[Certain Hope]

Dear Alone,

People seem to key into different aspects of pathological narcissism when they think of "their N", but for me it's that blame shifting and lack of remorse, which allows him to consider everyone else expendable.
Sounds to me like you've got a pretty firm handle on the bottom line...
but the boundaries really are so important - especially the internal ones, which protect us from ourselves.
As I recall, that has always been the greatest temptation... falling back into the "if only I" pattern and wondering whether I might not be able to just manage it all a bit differently this time.

It's taken me years to finally see that... okay, so relationships are work, but sheesh... they're not supposed to be an endless struggle!

Love to you,
Carolyn

[alone48]

If he talks all about himself and it appears that you are to pity him for his bad life, that all his girlffriends and wives were terrible to him (That's to make you think YOU are the one to help him be normal.)

If, otherwise, he appears to be the most handsome, considerate man you have ever met, and isn't it strange that he likes everything you do? You have so much in common that it's hard to believe (He's been listening to you and taking mental notes.)

If he rushes you for sex and especially if he rushes you for marriage. (especially if you have money and MANY women are commited with the first sexual encounter with a guy.)

Oh there is lots, like table manners, how he treats other people, if he talks badly about his other partners, then you'll be dumped, or leave and he will tell lies about you and you are just anoother number. A man ought to repect his former wife. He chose her. Why talk so trashy anoout her?

I tried to bold and highlight, but don't seem to have the technique.

1. I sure thought I was special, so much better than all the rest that didn't understand him....didn't he fool me.
2. I do feel like I was an experiment, but once he lost interest nothing I did was right.
3.The sex immediate and you're right I was hooked from the begining and then he withdrew (no pun intended).
4.If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it must be.....!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Izzy and Alone,

All of that... exactly... was the same for me with NPD-ex. They really are all cut from the same mold.

Always beware that rush into (false) intimacy/ soul-mate NoNseNse.

Carolyn

P.S. Watch how he treats service personnel... like waiters and clerks!!

[Ami]

I am sorry, Alone, Carolyn and Izzy. It really must have hurt.
                           Ami

[SallyingForth]

I truly do believe he fits the profile but in all fairness I must question it. I think my ex(not the N) has characteristics of an N, but certainly is able to act and have normal feelings (whatever that is) and maybe is just more full of himself than NPD. N has no remorse and easily writes people off. I have personally seen him lie numerous times and he believes his lies. Everything has been done to him and he projects his own faults easily onto others with no remorse. He recycles friends and therefore is able to say he has longtime friends, when in actuality they are continuously new to his circle and have forgotten the hurts. He is charismatic enough to regain most of them over time, but they remain superficial friends. I got too close and have been banished forever, as I knew too much. I do believe I got closer than most anyone and therefore must pay. Is he NPD.....?

I thought my hubby was a N. He fit so well. However, after researching on this one website – http://www.ptypes.com/ –  I came to the conclusion that he wasn't N but only OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) also described on the website.

I do have N's in my life, mother, possibly step-dad, oldest brother. And my hubby isn't like them at all. However, what threw me off was that he's like my mother, she's OCPD too. My bio-father was a psychopath and a N. I determined that through what I read on the website and through the help of my therapist.

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  I agree with TT. You don't need the 'correct'(100%) definition of your former partner. First of all, no person fits any definition ,totally. My M is an N ,as a general category. She has some things like seemimg to get insight,which do not seem like an  N. Either she is fooling me or mellowing(as Vaknin says)
  However, in the end,it doesn't matter about the 'fine points". She IS an N --95%-- and that helps me to know what I am dealing with.
  Alone, you are doing very well. Your former b/f reminds me of a book. 'Men Who Can't Love and the Woman who Love Them." I think that is the name. It was an  amazing book. I bet yout former b/f would fit it very well.
Keep Writing. You are in the right place--the Board-- and THAT is what is important, friend.        Love    Ami

(((((((((Alone)))))))))))

[alone48]

Yes, that is the book and I have it, have read it numerous times. My GF gave it to me after I met him. They are making a movie of it right now......to bad I  didn't audition. He actually works in the movie industry so he would have been right there if called upon.

[Ami]

I once knew a guy who fit perfectly with that book, Alone. They really know just how to make you fall for them-. They manipulate your emotions until you are  crazy about them---very. That is a big part of the problem--trying to get "unhooked" I am really, really sorry Alone.
  The yearning is horrible--like a drug craving. I understand better what you went through, Alone      Love   Ami