My Most Depressing Christmas Ever

[JustKathy]

This year I came really close to ending it all on Christmas Day. Every year my N mother’s torment becomes worse, and I don’t know how much longer I can take it.

She has been tormenting me since I was a teen (I’m now 47), but Christmas has always been her big time of the year to exercise control over her three children, primarily me, since I have always been her target. Even though we are in our 30s and 40s, with no children of our own, each year she insisted on a Christmas that treated us like young children. We were required to submit a “Christmas List,” and she went through great trouble to set up stockings and a tree stacked with presents from “Santa Claus.” We were even made to sit at the “children’s table” for dinner. Then mother would send photos and videos to her siblings, bragging of her perfect Christmas with her adoring family.

About 6 years ago I acted on my therapist’s advice and cut it off. It was the only way to stop it. This sent N mother into a rage, and she began tormenting me every Christmas with nasty notes, insult gifts, and emails to my husband trying to manipulate him into feeling guilty and attempting to turn him against me for hurting her.

This year we received a box of gifts with a note inside from her, saying that it had been so long since she had seen us that she didn’t know us anymore, so was giving each of us a check for $100. The note went on to say that the gifts in the box had been purchased by my father, and that she didn’t know what they were.

After opening the box it was obvious that she was up to her old tricks. All of the gifts were wrapped and tagged by her, ten for my husband and three for me. My gifts were tagged “From Santa,” and Hubby’s gifts were tagged “Love Mom and Dad.” He received high-denomination gift cards, and I received two pairs of socks and some dish towels.

I don’t know how to shut this down. We told my father that we don’t want anymore gifts, but he felt hurt and dejected. I have no doubt that he purchased the gift cards (M doesn’t drive, which exercises control over HIM), but he has no idea how M packaged them. He’s known for 30 years that she has issues when it comes to me, but chooses to put his head in the sand and ignore it, so as much as I love him, I do cast some of the blame on him for enabling her.

Even though M has done far worse in the past, this Christmas was sort of my breaking point. It’s the first time that I had suicidal thoughts. The only reason that I don’t follow through is knowing that it would give her the ultimate victory. I don’t know why this year hit me so hard, but I think as I get older I’m losing my coping mechanisms and want it to end.

Hubby is somewhat supportive, though not much. His feeling is that he didn’t sign up for dealing with mentally ill people, so I get minimal support.

I’m posting this here just because I need to unburden. Even if someone reads this, and doesn’t respond, well. I feel better just typing it.

Thanks all. If anyone else goes through this, I'd love to know that I'm not alone.

[Leah]

Dear ((( PoozyBear )))

Please know that they all do this at Christmastime.

Personally, my NMom always chose Christmas as a tool for her deeds.

And they don't like losing that power.

You most certainly are not alone.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

I'm so sorry, PB... I hope that you will be able to gather strength here and maybe choose some new plans for dealing with this in the future... for instance, sending back any parcels which might come from N's address and refusing other attempts at contact.

The N-stuff in my own life that's made me feel the worst and sickest at heart has basically come down to my own anger with myself for allowing it to get to me...
and I think it's like you've said - - with age (I'm your age) it just begins to really wear you down. Maybe hormones come into play, too... along with the advancing age of parents and new feelings which may come to light about that...
anyhow, it's a mixed bag of messes, for sure.

Please post as much and as often as you feel able here and receive the relief which comes from knowing that there are listening ears and hearts available, of folks who have been just where you are.

With love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

PB.... I'm so sorry this is ongoing turmoil and pain for you..... and you're husband's lack of support..... very sad.

You deserved better parents..... you didn't deserve the treatment you recieved from your mother and your father would have protected you if he was healthier himself.

Your mother and father can't do any better..... or they would.

As for your husband.... it's unclear to me who he thinks is mentally ill.

You or your mother?

And..... it's also unclear to me whether or not you've gone No Contact with your FOO or not.

Is your husband responding to her e mails?

Have you seen her over the past 6 years?

What did he say to the gifts?  I'm a little surprised you didn't just send the box back.

You know she's using gift giving to lash out at you.  

(((PB))) So sorry this is happening ot you..... I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have a spouse who couldn't understand and support you through this.  

Do you still have the therapist?  You need someone who understands and validates you.  

[changing]

Hi Poozy Bear-

I am sorry for the tremendous hurt that you have been enduring. I understand some of this , as I had been so rejected by my own family. ((((((((((Poozy))))))))))

You are blessed with a husband who cares about you and a life together, apart from the madness. Your husband wants you to be happy. His not wanting to engage with your folks may be a very good way of supporting you and your marriage, if you look at it another way. Life is short, and your home atmosphere must not be  continually poisoned by the unrelenting bad intentions of others and your reactions to it. Your time and emotions must not be wasted, when you can turn them into making your life and marriage even happier. You both deserve this!!!

You may not be able to change your parents, but you can keep the fun , warmth, romance and happiness going in your own house- it's like shutting out the rain with a good roof, and lighting a delicious fire and having a cuddle- no need to stand in the rain. Revel in the love and good that you have been blessed with, Poozy!

Love To You And Yours,

Changing

[JustKathy]

Thank you all for your words of support. Lighter, Hubby feels that the mental illness is M’s, not mine.

I have had absolutely NO contact with her since making the decision to detach myself. Lord knows she’s tried. I get emails and letters, all cruel and manipulative, but I never respond, as that’s what she wants . . . to engage me in her game. Hubby also does not respond to her emails, or sends only a “yes” or “no” answer. But that’s because I’ve asked him not to respond. She’s amazingly convincing, and I know he’s come close to falling for some of her manipulations.

The reason I’ve never returned the gifts is because my therapist has advised against it. Last year M sent checks, and I wanted to return them, but therapist said no, that’s what she wants. She wants to be able to tell the other relatives that I was cruel enough to return her gifts.

The checks she sent this year are sitting in a drawer. I see my therapist on Friday and want to hear her take. She does have some pretty good knowledge about NPD. The thing is, I don’t want M's money. I would have liked a $3 card congratulating me for putting myself through college and earning my MBA (I was the only child refused a college education, and she’s furious that I found a way). I REALLY would have liked her to have shown up to my high school graduation, which she boycotted because she was "mad" at me. Thirty years later, it STILL hurts. Sure, I could use $100, but coming from her, I don’t want it. It’s dirty, ugly money.

[Gaining Strength]

Okay - so don't return them but next year don't open them.  Then you won't KNOw how badly she is treating you. 

I don't know  why you are hurting so bad this particular x-mas but I have two things to tell you:  1) I haven't seen anyone come here in your state, stay a year, and still hurt quite as badly and 2) the pain from the wounds of 1 or 2 N parents gets worse as we age unless we find a way to put up an emotional shield between ourselves and our parents.  That is definitely possible - I have seen many here do that.  It is not easy and it is definitely a painful journey but it is definitely possible.

It is extremely difficult, as long as our parents live, to give up hope that by some miracle they might demonstrate that they actually DO love us.  This hope can live dormant, hidden, it can be denied and still have enormous power over us - even still it can be eradicated.  Don't give up hope for cutting the emotional hope, the emotional bond.  It is extraordinarily painful to fully embrace the fact that your parent cannot truly love you, but once you do you are free - truly free. 

I hope you will believe that it is possible and that it is necessary for a whole you.  This is a good place to come to help you find your way.

Yours - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Dear PB,

I'm very sorry you're feeling such pain.
Holidays + Nparents is such a toxic combo.

I believe you could truly take back a lot of your life force if you blocked her emails. Always.
And returned her letters unopened. Or simply burn them on arrival.

Do you have the strength to stop letting her voice into your head by reading them?
And can you simply donate her gift cards, the socks and dish towels to some shelter?

It's a way of turning evil into good.

Somewhere inside you is a strong woman who wants to rise up, and stop taking emotional beatings
from a woman who simply is who she is. And that woman is not capable of being loving, and worse,
she's cruel.

So for the sake of the woman inside you who wants to stop suffering, I'm really glad
you're posting about it.

Please don't despair.
I agree with GS, if you post and post and work through the emotions, next New Year's will
be a truly new one.

With comfort,
Hops

[alone48]

PB,

Maybe you could use the $$ to pay for your T, seems like M is part of the reason you're there. Put her "dirty" money to good use on your behalf. She doesn't need to know where the $$ went and you can feel some satisfaction in how you dealt with it. Just a thought. Good luck and I'm sorry you're hurting so badly.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi PoozyBear

I am also a person who fully believes that No Contact is the only way to go.

The longer one goes without contact with not even the knowledge that it is to come every year at Christmas, the easier it is to heal.

I have never heard of so many N mothers as I have on this board. Not my experience but NC was my way with the N/P I lived with.

My mother never showed any caring--she fits the Neglectful Silence thread.

Good Luck
Izzy

[JustKathy]

Thanks everyone. I will try to spend more time on these boards as I think it's a valuable tool in helping people like us heal, or at least not feel so alone.

I actually joined this group 3-4 years ago, and posted quite a bit, then ended up in a busy job and no longer had time to spend online. When I came back, the board format had changed, and it now says "Newbie" next to my name. But I'm sure my post count will back to where it once was in no time.

Last year, hubby took a temporary job transfer from CA to AZ, so I'm now without a job, or any real friends. I need to connect with other people like me, and I do think I should spend more time here. Just reading some of the other threads, and realizing that I'm not alone in this has helped me tremendously.

Thanks to all of you for your words of advice and encouragement. It REALLY means a lot to me.

[JustKathy]

Oh, I guess I should add that I really like the suggestions of giving M's money to charity. She hasn't got a charitable bone in her body, and giving her money to the homeless would make me feel so good. It sort of gives me back some power, taking money from someone who hates the homeless, and GIVING it to the homeless. Yes, that's what I'll do.

I'm torn on the gift cards, because she used my father as a tool in that nasty bit. He went out and bought those gift cards thinking that he was doing something nice for his children. He has no idea that she takes the gifts he purchases and wrap them in a way that's intended to hurt me. We've tried to tell him, but he has this filter turned on when it comes to M. I don't think he knows how to deal with the situation, so he just doesn't. But I know that the gift cards definitely were HIS gifts, as SHE doesn't drive, and he has always gone out and bought gift cards every year (being a guy, and not knowing what else to get).

We did call him this year and ask him not to buy us any gifts, but it was like a knife through his heart. Still, we know that we're going to have to get firm with him and tell it to him like it is. It's not going to be easy, but it has to be done.