pride and misery

[Feline]

Hi

Ever have one of those days?

I was talking to my mate,and he was angry at the planner for Baltimore Gay pride for having pride on fathers day

(legit anger there,he has a pretty healthy and good relationship with his father)

And I got triggered.

For me father's days always sucked. The whole world came to a grinding halt to play lets appreciate the tyrant that makes life niserable and pretend he's good. I hate hallmark for inventing parent adoration days where you pay homage to people you can't stand for no good reason other than supposed to.

(Ever noticein our selfish egotist culture  there is no son/daughter/child appreciation holiday)

Anyways my father was a very abusive jerk and I was an object of incest.
Father's day is obscene to me.on a visceral level,personally.
Meanwhile I was getting excited about going to go to pride,not thinking about fathers,just to go,have a fun time,work the booth at hearts and ears,and just be with my real family.

But it all got complicated because of the fathers day bullshit.Pride was sceduled on fathers day,so here I am obligated to again pay homage to a father,not my own,that bastard is dead,but to my mates father,to appear and do the protocol of politeness while he has fun,I'll hang around the munchies and make small talk with people that still after being with this guy I really do care about who is kind, his family is psychologically  different than he is. They are stiff  and very "appropriate"I feel like I can't relax around them.They accept me it's not that they are bigoted or anything in fact they are nice people,they are just culturallypsychologically different. And this psychological cultural difference feels so awkward to me. I don't feel like I can be me.


But here is the  irrational side of my anger

Again here is a father interfereing with me,my expression of myself,my happiness,my identity.
My father used to demand that I be a girl, when he was offended at my appearance or strength.
But I am not a girl I am androgynous feline.
He put many shackles on my emotions concerning gender,my mom did too.And I am coming to terms with who I am.This is my first pride. I have been out as bisexual for a long time,I've only been out as transgender for about 2 years,out identifying as a cat  about 1 year,and as an asexual person about 5 months.Inside my own heart I have known this about myself for as long as I can remember.And ironically just when I am beginning to feel a little bit warm inside, it feels like my asshole  father coming up from the fucking grave screaming at me to be a girl again! Demanding I do the father day ritual of revolving around the tyrant,and negate yourself...again.

I know the intensity of  my feelings are a trigger.  I don't want to make my mate's time with his more healthy family unpleasent,father's day means something different to my mate than it does for me..  But also I don't want to be messing around with father anything on my first pride.

I  do not want to give father~any father~ (this anger extends even to symbol of father) anymore of myself..and that means not giving any father a token or symbolic  respect on pride.To me Pride day especially this particular one is my first one, and firt means it will never occur again.Pride days after this one are just events..like Father's day it occurs every year. To me Pride is  supposed to be for encouraging  me to be me,and for encouraging people with alternative identities to be whatever they are.Pride  is to embrace a new identity, including  my pride in myself as I am and reject parental legacies of betreal,rejection,conditioning,blame and shame.
So my first pride is special~to me~..I don't expect it to mean as much to somebody else. But here we go again something meaningful to me takes a backseat for obligations and"father".

My 'father" was a master at shame instilling and cultivating self loathing and identity supression .I feel it was partly because I was too male for his liking,I guess I was more of a man then he was and I did it without a dick..Now my time I should be spending doing what is nourishing to mepersonally  is interrupted.  I have to share the day, a day like my first  pride of all days..with another damn "father". Grrrr..

 It feels in my heart  like my asshole father is kicking me down  by proxy and I resent the hell outta this whole mess.I know it's not my mates fault the pride planners were idiots. I could bitch slap the pride planners,hallmark holiday makers and the concept of a birth family itself..
My mate has expressed willingness to drive 2 xtra hours so I won't have to show up at his family gathering. He said he's cook up an excuse for me..I feel guilty asking him to drive all over the place because I never learned to drive,because I am scared to and get bouts of wanting to kill myself or other people and with a car it would be so easty to do so I don't drive yet my mate resents my inability to drive he brings it up to score points in arguments sometimes)(besides I failed the eye exams for getting a lisence).So I am hemming and hawing over taking him up on it. I fear he'll just bitch later about having to drive all over and I don't wanna hear it.
There ain't no public transport where I live.

 I made a beautiful cat costume to wear too.It's  done in shimmering, rainbows and leather in an egyptian catty way. Like I'm gonna show up wearing this to my mates family outta the blue.I'm sure they'd love the costume,I just don't wanna explain  to any"fathers"why I'm wearing it.Explaining it to any 'father'will feel(even if it's all my projections) as if it's somehow wrong to be what I am. And I really do not like feeling this way.
I feel like the driving thing is so limiting but than again I moved out of my place that had bus stop nearby so  my mate and I could suceed (he got work)and we did do well for awhile,but I was a miserable lonely housemaid and I HATED it and I supressed that because my mate was working himself to death..and I didn't want to add my pain  to the emotional tension. We had to survive. Even when we were both losing it from the pressure.

Now I am stuck living with him  in my moms basement so much for"sucess". But  we have a car.Whoo wee..and we  no bus system because my mom is city paranoid.. Great we got a car with a million emotional strings on it.Shit I'd chuck the car for a bus that I could take for myself that goes where I need to be
(out of Bel Air and into the city )
anyday. This is a neverending source of frustration for me.

I get told by mom and my mate, I have to to confront my fears and learn to drive.They are quite cocercive..This demand is coming from people who just want conveience,and who do not understand I don't feel safe controlling 2,000 pounds of metal because it is too tempting of a WEAPON to me.  I wish I would have thought of the transportation issues when I gave up my apartment with a bustop nearby for "sucess"but hindsight is 20/20 I guess..

I was so dumb,giving up my place and my mate was so blind and so unaware of all this too.But he has no right to take this mistake we made together  out on me now.I don't ask to be driven everywhere.I know mom and my mate are not chauffers.So I don't ask to be drien for trivial crap and I try to plan my life around them when I can because I want to be considerate..He just complains about driving when it cramps what he wants to do at the moment or if it interferes with family obligations he has.

He can drive around aimlessly for hours when we talk about philosophy in the car,and he says he likes driving.So it isn't as big of a deal as he puts on it seems..But that assumption of me taking advantage underlying this driving issue irritates the shit out of me when he pulls this crap on me.He does it because he has hangups about  fearing being controlled.. And I will not be convinced I should be guilty. I ain't trying to control him through not driving.If he can't empathize that it is a safety issue for me,well .what can ya do in this situation? It ain't like we can afford rent anywhere,we have practically no income.. and this isolated neighborhood my mom lives in is the kind of pretensious town where everyone drives and pretends they are sucessful.
Like I said mom is city phobic and scared of differences in people.

And I wish I could just go to pride myself,and do it safely..and say fuck you  to all of them,my mate can go to his father's day stuff  without me,I could go to pride on a bus. If there was a bus out here  he wouldn't be able to bitch about driving,and all. Goddamn I hate neighborhoods that  have enough money and pretensious people to assume everyone who lives there drives and so they don't make a public transportation system that goes anywhere beyond town or the old folks home circuits..
And again it's back to paying homage to  parents or non parents scared of being like parents because of situations ...to survive.



Arrgh!

[bunny]

feline,

-- What are your obligations, as his partner, toward his family?

-- Is it  okay if you're considered off the hook for his family get-together because this is really important to you and the date is out of your control?

-- Could you take up his offer to drive you to Pride?

-- Could he make an agreement that he won't show resentment if he carries out this offer?

-- Could you get a ride to the bus stop if not to the Pride event?

-- Is there enough money for a taxi at all?

-- If you plan not to drive, ever, and live in an out-of-the-way place, can you come up with a negotiation for transportation that doesn't include resentment on both sides?

just some thoughts. I hope you make it to the Pride event.

bunny

[Jaded911]

Hi Feline,

I have so many things I want to say to you that I don't even know where to start, LOL.  The first thing that comes to my mind is that I would like to tell you that I appreciate your candor.  I find it refreshing to listen to or read something that a person shares when I know it comes from their heart.

The anger you have towards your father is warranted.  When someone hurts us they do not deserve to have a day of celebration.  Nothing they have done is worth celebrating.  Perhaps if you thought of Fathers day in a different manner it would help you leave behind  some of the ghosts from your past.  Instead of looking at it as a day to commemorate the man that brought you into this world, how about cellebrating it as a day that you gained your freedom from this man.  Instead of thinking about all that man did to you or how much that man hurt you, think of it as a day to cellebrate because he is not here to make you suffer any more.  This could be a day to cellebrate your freedom, not his day.  This might be a way of ridding his chains that bind you and hold you down.

You talk about the driving issue with your mate and mum.  Hell man, I find that driving makes me feel free........  You put your butt in a car and the whole world is yours to seek.  The freedom that comes from the ability to drive is a great release to me at times.  I can understand how you feel you burden people by asking them to take you places.  I just wanted to ask if there was a reason that held you back from getting your license?  Maybe if you could drive there would not be the feeling of being so dependent on people.  

Money or should I say a lack of money can be a horrible hindering factor..
Just try to remember that money can not buy happiness.  You can be poor yet still be happy.  Many rich people are misserable to the core.  I feel that riches can be best be measured by ones happiness.  I would rather have happiness then to have 10 zillion dollars.  If your mate is a person that makes you happy, then consider yourself rich by all means.

I am not defending anything your mother has said or done.  I dont know your history with your mum or dad for that matter.  But I hope you think about this for a bit.  You know what your life with your dad was like, remember that your mum was on a different emotional level with that man and she had more years of suffereing at his hands.  If you feel he did nothing but cause havic to your being as a person, she also suffered from his presence.  She is a biproduct of his behavior and wicked ways.

As far as the pride celebration.  I say put your brightest rainbow outfit on with your brightest happy face and go there and get your groove on stella.  Go out, have some fun and get that party started.  Celebrate the fact that you are a contributing factor in this world and you have alot to give those who deserve to be in your presence.

Rid your heart and soul of your sperm donar.  He is dead, it is time you begin to live to spite the voodoo he tried casting upon you.  Dont let him win by thinking you are not worthy.  Remember he probably thought he was the most worthy person in the world.  So, that leads me to believe that his version of worthy was whacked.  

Now, my parting statement will be this, LOL.  YOU MADE A CAT COSTUME??????  YOU BASTAGE!!!!!!!!  I cant even sew a flippin button on.  If you can make a cat costume, why in the hell arent you making costumes to retail to us folks that cant thread a needle.  You da bomb dawg!!!!!!!  P.S................did you make ears and a tail to waggggg?????  

You put that costume on and you go to your pride celebration and you purr like a kitty should.  Be happy and live life as you dream it should be.

[Yuki]

I just had to point out that the word "pride" can also mean "a group of lions." Feline, I think this is a sign of where you're supposed to be. With your pride.

[Anonymous]

For Bunny
Thanks ,for the words of encouragement.As for costuming I have been doing it fur years.I like "dressing up" fantatastic.I always hear usually in the middle of april whilst strolling in the supermarket in an ornate hat or dressed in medvial clothes or wearing an egyptian collar and transparent kaliarsis,Eventually some yahoo will say,"what, izzit halloween?" To which I reply, Yep everyday is a holiday to me..and yes  I am a damn good artist  arent I?
As for professional costuming,people have said this before.. I am reluctant to sell my stuff because if I find myself burdened by the demand for my art it will turn into labor and it would lose the joy.The joy is what keeps my creations alive.
 As for the driving issue.I don't drive because a car is a very effective  weapon.2,000 or more pounds of steel going as fast as you can make it go is too tempting for me.I get sudden strong  desires to kill myself sometimes and if I was driving  as theose feelings arrive and I was alone,it would be so easy to just put the pedal to the metal and drive myself straight into a brick wall. Also I get homocidal feelings sometimes.If I see a bunch of fundies or bullies and they decide to give me any shit I might just decide to  flatten them.So,I'd rather not drive.


Yuki

Thanks for the pride comment.And yes it takes courage to come out.

Ive "come out" several times,once I came out with liking women,thanI noticed  if I was to be honest with myself  I'd have to come out for being bisexual too,,than I came out  for being an androgynous transgender person,I have no gender.. I'm whatever I am at the moment.To one person they'll swear I'm female just after someone else called me "sir".Eventually honesty necessitated  I came out as a "fur" because I have a feline soul,I don't feel very human at all alot of the time..I can't "get" the human ways sometimes and it makes for some awkward times..lastly  my honesty with myself required I come out  as having an asexual orientation, I live most of the time without  wanting or even thinking about sex.
I like good relationships with people..I seek affection, tenderness, emotions ,adventure,intellect,and deep freindship with people with good hearts and compatible personalities.As for sex I tend to forget it exists..I fall in love with people's spirits,thier minds, thier, hearts,thier soul, thier essences. I fall in love with discovering what they are,sharing back and forth and when I see a whole person the drive of sexuality is eclipsed by a deeper love of what they are as I learn more about them,so easily..
So a pride? Yes,I guess it is a pride.. I agree it takes a leonine kinda courage to be what you are when the whole world tries so hard to make sure you never know who you are.
So to you,I roar...in  my appreciation..
thanks..