oh brother

[Hopalong]

My brother says he's coming AGAIN.
"We have family business to discuss."

I want him to stop appearing and muscling in and suggesting this and that. I find it horrible to have no agency. His appearances always remind me that he feels entitled here (well, that's fair, she's his mother) -- but it also reminds me that until it's all over, I have no home, no claim, no way to say, No, I don't want you here, sleeping in the next room.

He was uninterested for many years, now that Mom's clearly on the wane, he all of a sudden is the "invovled son". He schmoozes the neighbors, calls her caregiver during the day (has her totally snowed).

Last time he brought her a form, several copies, she could use to list who gets what. She just looked sad and handed it to me later than night. I stuck them in a file.

She's already made her will, but I've never discussed it with him. (I get the house and piano and her ring. He gets the other contents, to auction or whatever he wants.) There's one tiny cash account for him, and one for me. That's it.

It's not 50-50, but then me living here for nearly 9 years, and being here regularly for many years before that, wasn't 50-50 either. He used to never have time to so much as call or email, and turned up about once or sometimes twice a year.

Now it's every month or so and it alarms me. What if he stuck some document under her nose while I was at work and got her to sign it? Should I say to her, don't sign anything?

These are horrible feelings. It brings back all the nightmares of being tormented by him. Intimidated.

And...ever since he invaded my computer, stole my private letters and emailed them to himself, and lied in my face about it, a few years back, I'll never be able to trust him.

This time I wrote back, what is it you'd like to discuss? Do you have questions about Mom's estate? She can't focus now but I can answer. She settled all that some time back.

He did not answer. I think he likes keeping me off-balance. Oh I hate this and I just want him to go away.

So now I've got to hide laptops and folders...etc. Never knowing when he'll turn up. For all I know he's copied my hard drive. Probably not, but I wouldn't put it past him. And when I'm at work and he appears at the house, nothing I can do to protect my privacy.

I know, I could get locks, but that escalates it. And he still has the veneer, and the veneer makes it easier. Mom made us co-executors, of course, which will be miserable. But once it's over, I'm free of him.

Hops

[Leah]

Dear Hops,

What an absolute nightmare situation to be subjected to, and I would feel the same way about him too, he seems so cold and calculating.  Not trustworthy, regarding your computer etc.

Here in the UK one would have the right to create 'power of attorney' of day to day matters and such, when an elder is confused and can be taken advantage of in some way, from him, in your case.  Would that be an option for you, perhaps?

For peace of mind, for you, and for you Mother too, who looked sad at his behaviour last time.

So sorry that this has cropped up right now, Hops, after all the joy of the last few days, please try not to let it rob you of your joy.

Easier said that done, I know only too well.

Love to you,

Leah

[Lupita]

Dear Hop, for the first time I see a thread of yours that sounds as paranoid as mine. I can feel the desperation. Your brother really triggers you. But,  when you feel like that, you cant think clearly. And you need to think clearly when he is here. I know, it happens to me all the time. But you always sound so well centered, even when you are in pain. Not right now when talking about your brother. As I am percieving it. You sound upset. I am so sorry. When I am upset I white up my brain, get mute and paralized. I hope that there is something you can do to feel less nervous. God bless you Hop.

[mudpuppy]

If you can, videotape your mom expressing her wishes and videotape a newspaper with the date on it as well.
Make sure you have a signed copy of her will put in a safe deposit box where he is unable to access it.

You never know a person's true character until they are a potential heir.

mud

[Leah]

If you can, videotape your mom expressing her wishes and videotape a newspaper with the date on it as well.

Make sure you have a signed copy of her will put in a safe deposit box where he is unable to access it.

You never know a person's true character until they are a potential heir.

mud

Gosh, that's a superb idea, Mud

That may be something to consider doing asap, Hops.

Perhaps, a consideration, with another person present also, maybe, the caregiver person.

Love, Leah

[alone48]

Another thought is to have your mother's doctor hear her express her wishes, he above all others would know her competency. That may or may not be an issue, but you can at least have it on record if she is able to make her wishes known and/or how easily she could be manipulated. If it's beyond the point of her being able to make her wishes known, the further back the Will was dated is to your benefit.

[tayana]

Also, is there an impartial third party that could be used as a witness if she is competent to make her wishes known.  Then you could also videotape the witness saying they witnessed your mother expressing her wishes on x date, and that person felt she did so competently.

I second the need for a safe deposit box.  Store all ORIGINAL copies of important documents in the safe deposit box--your mother's will, power of attorney (if she has one), the deed to the house, etc.  Anything like that, keep the originals elsewhere and keep copies on hand.  Financial documents also.  You could also have some sort of power of attorney drawn up stating that you are the only person who can make decisions regarding your mother's estate. 


(((((((Hops)))))))

[alone48]

In my previous job, I did investigations for elder abuse and conservatorships. Any witness other than a professional that can testify to her competency is just your word against his. Even a dr's opinion can be questioned but certainly has more validity. You might want to have an eval done if there is question. Are there records that show her compentency could have been in question when she wrote her will? Those are all things to consider. Don't want to scare you, just help to have you better prepared to take him on when the time comes (if it does).

[mudpuppy]

 Have had a little experience along these lines in court.
 If your brother is going to claim she was incompetent at the time of her will the burden of proof is on him to prove she was. That will be quite difficult after the fact.
 If he is going to try the old push-a-paper-under-her-nose-when-no-ones-around trick then he can hardly claim that she is incompetent.
 Get a good estate lawyer and get some advice and nip this jerk in the bud. The investment will be worth it.

mud

[Sela]

Hiya Hops,

Some day you'll be free of the slimey little worm and that will be a happy day indeed.

I would like to add my opinion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting a lock on your own bedroom door.  You Do have a right to your personal space and privacy and since he obviously has NO boundaries, I suggest you look after yourself and put a motherofall locks on your door to keep him from invading your space ever again.  I'd not feel the least bit guilty about it and if he says a word I'd say:  "No worries.  It doesn't effect you."  (even though it does eh?  because he can't squiggle under the door can he? No arguements.  End of convo.  Just state the fact:  It does not effect him.  Let him simmer).

((((((Hops)))))

Sela

[alone48]

Very good advice mud, but again I reiterate even an attorney cannot determine competency. though they will project that they can. I just got word that one of our major cases was won in the appellate court and the major factor was getting a doctor with experience to do the evaluation in a timely manner. Of course alot depends on the courts where you reside. It does sound like your mother is still pretty much aware of what is going on, but possibly could be unduly influenced in her fragile state. That is  a whole issue unto itself.

[teartracks]

Mud,

Would you suggest that Hops video tape the will along with the newspaper and her Mom?  Kind of tedious, but might be a good thing?

Love to you Hops.  You know I understand.

tt

[Hopalong]

Thank you all so much.
I feel some relief.

I do have power of atty and her will from about 3-4 years ago when she was still fully oriented. Originals in the safe deposit box, copies in my files (where for all I know he's already seen them). My daughter and a lawyer family friend (not practicing, but knows her stuff) have certified copies, as well.

Right now, Mom can't focus well enough to remember her own birthday, often can't finish sentences, and handles no paperwork, legal or financial matters. I do all of that and have for some time.

I don't think I can videotape her and have it make any sense. Also, she is still a manipulative N, so if my brother tried to get her to agree to something new, and it offered her a glimpse of power or new drama, she might go along.

I am thinking I might just mention to her, if I can bring myself to break the veil open, "Don't sign anything." On some level, she knows my brother was abusive to me and is a liar, so perhaps she'd retain that advice.

Still, any of her daily caregivers could testify that she's not fully competent, so whatever he got up to, it probably wouldn't be legally effective. I hope. I will ask my lawyer friend, however. Thanks for the reminder that I'm not helpless.

The only scary part is that when he invaded my computer, it was during a period where my mother was toying with me about the house (will she, won't she) and I had written her an outraged, anguished letter about how unfair I felt it was not to TELL me one way or another when what I wanted most was just to know what would become of me, so I could plan something for my future (and I also confronted her about why she kept trying to force me to be under my brother's thumb in perpetuity, rather than either leave me the house free and clear, or leave it to him, or force the sale). She kept hinting that she'd leave it and my brother would "let me live there". I was angry and told her, who's been here taking care of you, and before that taking care of you and my father, while my brother was completely absent, and in his own life going bankrupt.

It was about a year after that letter, I think, that she said to me after one of her hospitalizations, you know, I now believe it's completely fair for me to leave you the house and him the contents. So she went back to her lawyer (with her morning caregiver driving) and did that.

But...my brother stole that letter. And I've always felt he would try to use it as coercion. I'm not sure how, since I basically was saying to my mother, it IS your right to choose whatever you want to do. Just tell me what situation I'll be in, and don't leave me under my brother's thumb.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about that now.

But I really hate having him here. Maybe he does know that he's inheriting the "stuff" and wants some of it now, or something. I don't care. Let him take off with the silver or punch bowl. It will be his anyway. And I have no plans to cheat him or fight him over anything. I just want to be left in peace.

Hops

[Leah]

Dear Hops,

Truly, don't think you have anything to worry about regarding the letter being used as evidence as coercion, for you only asked to be told straight, one way or the other, and in fact, you have made it quite clear in the letter of your dread of being subjected to being under your brother's thumb.  Which does not bode well -- in favor of your brother, quite the opposite I would think.

Love, Leah

[changing]

Hi Hoppy-

Please get a lock on your own door "for modesty's sake"- surely you can defend that- we can't have anyone happen upon your knickers now, can we- oh horrors!!!! As for the letter ithat you are concerned with, make a copy for your attorney friend if you trust her discretion, and go through it together, see any areas that may be used against you, and write a calm account detailing how you made it clear that it was your mother's decision, etc to make, the date the decision was made, etc. This will effectively render the letter harmless, and give you peace of mind as well. Just in case- you will have your ammo ready and not have to rush things when you may not be in the best mental and emotional state.
Now go put on your lock and get locks for your computer, files, etc.- maybe a nice little home safe for your files...I think I see the reason that you may not have everything organized as you would like- as a method of protection, even if only subconciously (I have been there with the Bagworm !!! And it worked, too!!!)
Perhaps you can do a Mom Journal,similar to a divorce journal- recall all that you can,find the correct dates for evrything, incident by incident, as time allows, getting all the facts and documentation in a narrative order now. You will feel better having a cogent account at your fingertips and could possibly slap the bro down with this- I used somethng similar to refute the outrageous Bagworm lies that had been submitted to court, and it helped to document the truth as well as helping the judge to understand the situation- she was so incensed that she refused to even hear his side in court!
Sorry Hoppy- It sounds almost like you have a weasel under the hen-house or a gopher digging up the vegetable garden - very disconcerting. Maybe you can get a nanny-cam- a little video camera hooked up a recording device- I love my security camera- you can put it in teddy bear or on a self, etc. Please be aware, but don't stress- you will be ready!

Love,

Changing