(((((((((GS))))))))))
I have distilled my struggle down to the essence - anxiety disorder. Two aspects of anxiety are impediments to my wellbeing: 1) the "no-win" syndrome and 2) demands/expectations beyond the necessary resources.
GS, I know exactly where you are coming from. I do. I have the same issue with severe, crippling anxiety. In fact, the Nmom is coming to my house to deliver something, and I'm a wreck about it. I ate an extra large breakfast, so I can skimp on lunch and go home, make the bed, do some more clean up, etc. I can feel the anxiety building. I won't be able to relax until they leave tonight. I have been doing better though, much better than I was a few months ago, where I would just fall apart and have panic attacks over math homework, phone calls, etc. I would literally be paralyzed because I suddenly realized that it was 9pm and homework wasn't done, and I didn't know what to do.
I also have a child who can be very, very difficult. He's a super picky eater, will only eat certain brands, textures of food. He prefers junk over something healthy. We are slowly working to change things. Both of us are getting better. I have some links on my computer at home that I found really helpful. I'll post them later, after the Nmom leaves. I might have to hide in my room after that. Here are some of the things that have really helped me.
1. No contact with my parents for 2.5 months. We have limited contact now, but I have resolved to go back to no contact if my nmom's behavior turns bad again.
2. I was having a hard time with feeling trapped, as though I couldn't win no matter what I did. I had to learn some new ways of thinking. First, when I started feeling anxious I sat down with my journal and wrote down WHY I was feeling anxious. I would get some surprising answers, sometimes. It helped me identify what the real issues with my thinking were, and when I knew that, I could work towards changing them. If I do it right now . . . I'm anxious because:
My nmom is coming to visit, and she's going to criticize my home, even though I've worked very hard to make it a home.
She'll disrupt my peaceful space.
She'll snoop through my things and ask questions on topics I have deemed off limits.
I'm afraid she'll want more contact that I'm willing to give, and we'll be back to where we were 2.5 months ago.
I'm afraid I'll cave in to her.
3. I started making lists of things I needed to do and wanted to do. It helped to see it on paper, so I didn't feel quite so overwhelmed by all the things I saw as undone. Then I could work steadily towards completing each task. I'm still working on the lists.
4. I had to do something with the kid. He spent the night with Grandma earlier this week, and it was heaven. I'm ashamed to say I enjoyed that night far too much, and was actually disappointed when he didn't want to spend another night with her. As much as I love him, he can drive me absolutely bonkers. So here's some of the things I had to do:
* I tossed the reward system out the window. It was too hard an complicated for me to keep track of.
The new system is based on allowance and things he has to do around the house. He doesn't get bonuses for good behavior at school. It's kind of mean of me, but I decided he's responsible for what happens at school. We can talk about it, and I'll make suggestions, I'll even contact the teacher when appropriate, but I won't make excuses for his behavior. So for now, he gets $5 a week for the following things: care and upkeep of his rat, helping with the dog, keeping his room clean. That's it. If the tasks aren't accomplished, he doesn't get the money, and I won't buy anything for him. I did relax this during Christmas, but it's going to go back in effect now. If he goes somewhere and wants a $5 item and doesn't bring his money, he forfeits his allowance. There's a new rule going into effect on his birthday, but thats a few weeks away.
This helped because he's responsible for his stuff, and there are consequences if he doesn't do as he's told.
* My new homework rule is: Two hours is the absolute limit for homework. I won't make the kid work beyond that, unless it's some sort of special project, like constructing a model that is fairly time intensive. If he does homework for two hours, and he still has work to finish, I write the teacher a note explaining and we put it up for the night. This took care of my anxiety over homework and his. No more stressing because the teacher assigned 36 math problems and after an hour we only have 10 done. If he gets 15 done, that's what he turns in.
* The house chores cause me a lot of anxiety. I don't really like messes, but I give myself permission to go to bed sometimes with the living room not picked up, dirty clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink, and laundry not done. It's not a cure all, but it does help.
* 50mgs of Zoloft everyday keeps me from having the panic attacks. I know it seems like I'm using a drug to cover up the problem, but really, the drug helped because although I still feel the anxiety, it's not paralyzing me into a sobbing ball in the corner. I don't constantly feel like a failure, or like everything I do is wrong.
* Try to get enough sleep. I've discovered I really need about 9 hours of sleep a night. When I don't get that, I have a hard time functioning. I often don't get it during the week, my average then is about 7 hours. So what I try to do is go to bed when I'm sleepy. If that's 9pm, I want to go to bed then, sometimes it's much later.
* Establish routines. This helped a lot. I have set days that I pay bills. I balance my checkbook weekly. I have a routine for getting out the door in the morning. I have a routine for getting through the workday, etc. I like my routines. They aren't set in stone, but it does help to have them. It'll help your son too. Routines and schedules are a great benefit to kids with ADD and HFA.
* I finally just started fixing two things for meals and some items we'll both eat. It just wasn't worth the headache of trying to get my son to eat what I was eating. So I might fix rice, which he will eat, but then I might fix me something vaguely Chinese and him chicken nuggets, then we both have bread or some sort of fruit or vegetable. It cut out the battles over meal times.
* I'm still working on taming the problems with impatience, saving money, and things like that, but we are getting there slowly, but surely.
I know where you're coming from, GS, and I understand. Feel free to PM me or post on the board if you want a sympathetic ear.
