Such a graving to be known

[Patsy]

Do any of you experience the following...

It's like a deep pain..this desire to be known.
This constant NEED...to be SEEN.

To see in someones eyes that I am valued by them and cherished.
It brings tears just writing this.

How do you ever attract this to your life?

[Patsy]

Just had an insight into this myself...

I was wondering why it had become a problem for me at the moment and realised that a situation I am in is triggering it.

Not being seen or heard AGAIN!!

back to the drawing board!!
 

[Anonymous]

Hi Patsy -

Welcome to the board.  I have really enjoyed reading some of your posts already.  I'm glad you're here!  

My husband and I just spoke about this topic this morning.  Since we have been married (8 years this August) we occasionally have small disagreements about my mode of conversation.  When I am talking about something really serious or important to me, I tend to interject "right?  or hmmm?  or ok?  or get it?  or understand?, etc" into the end of my sentence so that it forces him to acknowledge what I said with a verbal response.  My husband is an awesome listener - he really studies your face as you talk and stops doing whatever he's doing.  But that has never been enough for me.  I have to have an auditory, verbal response to feel heard.  Not just a head shake or eye contact.  Not good enough for me.  

Well, like I said, this has always been a sore spot for us because it is a pet peeve of his and I have never understood why I do it.  My therapist explained to me recently why - because I was never heard as a child and still carry those feelings today.  That was so eye opening to me.  She told me to explain it to my husband and tell him what I wish he would do and how that would meet my needs that I have of being heard.  I did what she advised and he was so happy!  He finally understood why I do that quirky thing and he felt that he had a need to fill instead of just getting annoyed.

I'm not sure if this feeling of not being heard will ever go away, but it definitely gets easier when someone explains your behaviors and helps you figure out ways to make them better!

Thanks for this topic Patsy.  Very eye opening!

Michelle

[jskravill as guest]

Hi Patsy,
I guess I just want to say that I can relate to your feelings. This is an issue for me.  I long to be known and loved, and I worry too much about what other people think of me. I think it is an issue of voicelessness.  I think I was invisable as a child too. Lots of issues underneath that... I don't think my parents ever really saw who I was. I also tried to be invisable as not to attract too much negative attention.  So yes, I want to be seen, to be known, to be loved... I don't know how to stop longing for that.  When I do something nice for someone I worry "what if this is just about me being noticed, thanked, respected?"  

In Michelle's response she reminded me of something that might only be loosely connected. I am currently in a long distance realationship with my husband. (I think this is a very good thing) When I talk to him on the phone, and I tell him a story, or a joke, often he doesn't laugh or respond.  I wind up saying "Hey! are you still there?"  He says "yeah."
When we are together, if he is entertaining himself with something else while I am talking I stop mid-sentence  (this is only because explaining what I needed didn't work).  Sometimes he gets it and tells me he wants to hear what I had to say.  Other times he must tune me out completely.

On one hand, I think women and men have different communication patterns. When they get together they sometimes have to negotiate one that works for both.
On another hand, who knows what he is entertaining himself with while I am talking to him on the phone... That might be an issue having to do with narcissism and voiceless.

[mighty mouse]

Hi All,

For a long time I had a need to be seen and known. After realizing that  the people (my Mom and sister)I thought knew and saw me didn't and were just projecting stuff on me, it was painful.

That was about 4-5 years ago. All during that time my wonderful H stood by and listened to me. I knew he didn't understand everything but I can't expect him to. In fact I don't have any hopes anymore that anyone will really know me (as I've mentioned in other posts I have an anomoly of a personality type - INTJ). But then I've come to realize that nobody is really "known". I think it's impossible IMO.

But I do see the light and love in his eyes even though he will never fully know me (he is much more concrete than I am). I am now content with that. And I love him even more now that I can appreciate what he is and not expect him to understand everything. And I think men and women are different. They (men) like to problem solve and if you give them stuff they can't solve, it makes them feel useless. I try to come here to get stuff out because I don't think it does our marriage any good for me to go on about stuff except every once in a while.

I hope some of that makes sense. I'm in a hurry and am writing rapidly.

MM

[Anonymous]

I think for me the healthier I get the more I want to be heard. I just didn't bother before....mute girl.  MM - yes, no one will really know us, fully, hell, we are only just getting to know ourselves!  I must say though I do get a sense about people on the board -just letters on a screen but such powerful, heartfelt messages. Hi INTJ girl!

 Les (formerly known to some as Les(s)javascript:emoticon(':wink:')
javascript:emoticon(':wink:')

[Ellie]

In Michelle's response she reminded me of something that might only be loosely connected. I am currently in a long distance realationship with my husband. (I think this is a very good thing) When I talk to him on the phone, and I tell him a story, or a joke, often he doesn't laugh or respond. I wind up saying "Hey! are you still there?" He says "yeah."
When we are together, if he is entertaining himself with something else while I am talking I stop mid-sentence (this is only because explaining what I needed didn't work). Sometimes he gets it and tells me he wants to hear what I had to say. Other times he must tune me out completely.

I have to chuckle, because for as long as I have been married, I ramble on when I talk with H. He lets me know it by simply doozing off - yes, he falls asleep! I used to get so mad at him because I thought he didn't respect me, or what I had to say. But I realize now that I ramble because he will let me! I used to be cut off by my N family and never could get it all out. H lets me get it out, and then some, but because he cannot relate at all - he snoozes. I simply stop talking now, he jolts when he realizes he is no longer being seranaded by my voice and says - was I asleep? I answer yes, and keep on rambling. I used to take offense, but now I know he's bored - same ole same ole and wants to let me talk.

But.....I am still voiceless when no one hears my words - and sleeps thru them.....

I have accepted that there will be no one who can relate and talk it all over with in my faimly. That's why I went to a therapist. I told her from the beginning that I was paying her to be my friend and listen to me since my friends and family would not.

Plus I have all of you now! Thanks for letting me ramble!!!!!

[Portia]

Patsy   I can hear you. I heard you on the other thread too.

Just because people don’t acknowledge you here, doesn’t mean we’re not reading and hearing. I scan everything! But we all have our own problems – not wanting to post too much (too N!), not wanting to address others directly if we’re not ‘sure’ of them (we’re all at different stages and lots of us I guess have trust issues).

Those were two honest brave posts above Patsy! Thank you. Not everyone is that courageous (including me ). Hope to hear lots more from you. I like reading you.

Hiya Michelle, boy are you moving fast!
Jskravill (did you type your name wrong or did I?!), I’m glad you’re long-distance with your H right now. And seeing so much with your folks…
Hey MM, Les and Ellie, I’m not going to leave you out! Hugs all round. P

[renee]

Hi everyone,

I too have a craving to be known...seen and heard. Sometimes I feel as though I am invisible.

It seems like the people I meet do not relate to me. I will talk and they'll act like I never said anything. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm not a graceful conversationalist. Or maybe my personality is too weird. I'm not sure what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually spoke the words that were in my head or did I just think I did. I wonder because nobody responds.

I just can't be that invisible can I?

Renee

[Portia]

Hiya Renee, you said:

Sometimes I wonder if I actually spoke the words that were in my head or did I just think I did.

yep, me too. I resort to writing things down in letters or emails to get my views 'heard'. I can't/couldn't do it verbally. Guess I'm talking mainly about the workplace here.

But even if we get ignored elsewhere, no-one is invisible here! You're making perfect sense to me - want to talk some more....? P

[cdnwoman]

I too can relate to everyone here.  I am the youngest of eight children.  Many would think that I am the spoiled one.  Nope, there are countless times when I felt unheard and unappreciated.  My parents are not very affectionate verbally.  When I come to think of it, I never heard them say "I love you".  I have learned to keep my true thoughts and feelings from people, thinking that they will disapprove if I do.  My Mom and Dad would dismiss or get mad if I did try to show my feelings so I learned to keep quiet.

Now in my early 30s, I have learned that all my past relationships have been with men who made me feel the same way.  Unheard and unappreciated.  Once I started to show my true thoughts and feelings, they couldn't handle it and took off.  Either physically or emotionally.  And let me tell you.....that hurts like no other.  My last relationship was with a commitmentphobic so that was a double whammy.  It is good that I am able to recognize my emotional pattern.  Now I have to find ways to effectively process and release it.  To be honest, I am scared.  I can't wait for the day where I feel truly strong.

[sjkravill]

Hey all!
First, Hey P!  I typed my name wrong!  I made it too cryptic even for me to remember.  Why on earth did I do that?!
Hey Ellie!  I pay a therapist to be my friend too, because no one else understands me.

Ok, I have been thinking about this thread a little bit.  I have a real tention with a longing to be known and seen and heard, and a fear of that very thing!  While I want to be known and seen for who I am, and heard, and while I desparately want a voice that is respected, I simultaneously fight it.  I have social anxiety.  I tell very few people who I am.  I keep quiet in meetings and in groups.  I try to be as genuine as possible with people, but I think a majority of people think I have it all put together.  

I guess it's probably just a wierd paraxox of voicelessness. Never feeling validated, known, etc. perhaps keeps us from feeling free to express who we are.  We carry around all of this shame and feeling of being unworthy of being known.  I am just postulating here.  Don't mean to speak for anyone else.  I should stop using the word "we."  I think I use it to make myself feel less odd!

Does anyone else who longs to be seen and heard also struggle with this same tention?

peace, sjkravill

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

I too have a craving to be known...seen and heard. Sometimes I feel as though I am invisible.

It seems like the people I meet do not relate to me. I will talk and they'll act like I never said anything. It's very frustrating. I guess I'm not a graceful conversationalist. Or maybe my personality is too weird. I'm not sure what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I actually spoke the words that were in my head or did I just think I did. I wonder because nobody responds.

I just can't be that invisible can I?

Renee

Renee,

This is truly strange. You talk to people who ignore your presence completely? Who are these people? They sound very obnoxious.

bunny

[renee]

Bunny,

I own a business with 4 other partners. Three of them are what I call voice hogs. They all talk above each other, interrupt each other and seem to talk in a very free associating style, never seeming to have any real back and forth.

We needed input on a problem one day and I offered my two sense. Then one of the voice hogs said...come on, why won't anybody throw out a number (what to pay our bookeep). I had said a number three times. Maybe these people are hard of hearing....they are a loud sort. I am a quiet, bookish person but not a delicate flower. Maybe I need a fog horn.

My Nmother isn't a loud sort either. But she still doesn't know me. After 46 years she still doesn't know me. I've tried to tell her stuff and be open. She only uses these things to exploit me. I guess I don't let the voice hogs in either. Either don't trust them or myself. Either way, I'm not gettin' heard.

Renee

[Patsy]

Hello everyne who replyed to this post and sorry to drag up an old thread..but I have just got back on line and felt the desire to thank you all for your comments.

It has been good to see the empathy and understanding of this topic.
To cut a short story even shorter..
I got out of the relationship (a new one) that was contributing to this feeling when i realised I really WAS being ignored and neglected..It wasn't just in my head!!

I am kind of feeling a little happy with myself that I acted on what I knew to be an unhealthy truth. I think that is one thing we can all expect in a relationship thats a primary one..that we are given an emotional space to be as well as a physical one.

Thankyou all for your comments..