GFM, inconsistent, on top of it, my dream.

[Lupita]

GFM

After all the things that she has done and said, now the ultimate possible betrayal.

GFM is constantly giving me gifts. My son has eyes. Of course, there is nothing I can say to my son for him to notice what kind of a manipulator she is.
I don’t want gifts. I want respect. That is the only thing she cant give.

I met this woman, before our kids got involved. She has many friends. Several doctors among them. I asked, way before if she could get any of her friends doctors to help me get my so much dreamt about residency training position. She said she was doing as much as she could. Now, suddenly, a secretary called me. The doctor wanted to talk to me in person. This never happened before. She said, that it was not going to happen. How come suddenly, her friend wants to meet me?

If this doctor recommends me she has to respond to calls from prospective program directors if I get an interview. If she gets mad at me, that could ruin my dream for the rest of my life.

If I do not go to this interview, my son will criticize me forever. I told the secretary that I will be there on Tuesday at 4:30, right after school.

Also, her cleaning lady, is the cleaning lady of a program director in  a hospital near here. This lady has a very good personality and she has earned the friendship of this doctor program director for whom she cleans her house, and she said that she will talk to her about me, to see if she can interview me for her program.

This cleaning lady has a D who is almost about to graduate MD to enter residency training program, and this program director promised to her that she would take her daughter into her program.

This are very serious issues since we are talking about my dream, the dream for which I has spend all the money of my life savings, and got a 30,000 dollars debt to take courses and pass USMLE board exams.

GFM and I were friends before. This help did not come before. Suddenly, the help is coming. Suddenly. Abruptly.

I don’t know what to do. As usual. I don’t know what to do.

[CB123]

I don’t know what to do. As usual. I don’t know what to do.

Here's what you do, Lupita:  YOU GO FOR IT!!!!

Every step along the way this year, I have looked at the motives of people around me as they have helped me.  Some people have moved me around because they didnt like me, some have moved me around because they did.  Some have said they see good things in me that I can't yet see in myself.  Some want something from me. 

Whatever.

When someone opens a door for you, they give you a chance at an open door.  It doesnt really matter if they are inconsistent, or have ulterior motives.  What matters is what you do with it.

I'm THRILLED for you Lupita!   Dance through that open door!  Your dreams may be right around the corner.

Love
CB

[Lupita]

I was thinking on asking GF to take son to his state. He is a retired doctor there and very rich. He does not help me, never did. But he helps son after he finished high school. But if I conspirate to do so, my son will never forgive me. I want to give my son the same respect that I want for me.
Also, I was thinking on turning off this invitation, but, that is the only doctor that has accepted to talk to me in person after so many years of trying.
If I take this opportunity, GFM can use it against me.

I do not want to be a bitch mother inlow. I want to be a good one. But I want to be respected. I don’t want to feel that I was given a lolly pop in my mouth to shut me up.

That is the way GFM makes me feel. And that is the way they do to my son, but my son does not feel it that way because he likes the lolly pop that he is put in his mouth. In fact, he is enjoying it. He does not realize the poteltial danage in the long run to marry a woman who is such a bug manipulator.

And that is why gf does not talk to me at all. Because she is waiting for her mother to buy me.

She knows she does not need to do anything. She is waiting ofr her mother to make me love her. She feels she deserves everything, she does not have to earn my love, she does not know how to please otheres. Theonly thing she knows is to be pleased. My son is pleasing her in almost everything.

I dont want my son to be manipulated, but I guess he has to leanr his lesson. But I am suffering so much.

[lighter]

Wow.... it's like a Pokemon cartoon, isn't it?

All these challenges, layed out before you the weight of a lifetime attached.

Honestly...... it would be hard to write fiction like this and here you are living it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Lupita.

What are the odds that you'd end up dependant on the GFM at a time she wants you to lobby for something that you consider detrimental to your son?

I think you already know she's not your friend.....  she's manipulative and scary scary scary in that I truly do believe she'd punish you to the best of her ability if you don't come around to her way of thinking..... and being thankful.

Having said all that...... this is the improbable hand you've been dealt.

I'm wondering if you can continue to have chats with your son about the plans he's layed out for his future and lightly speak of his plans to engage this young woman.... never mentioning a time line?

Now I'm wondering if anyone can dance successfully with the devil...... I'm not sure it can be done but......  I'll finish my train of thought.

You can speak lightly about the future engagement, sans timeline, with everyone bc your son has already stated that was his intention.

You hope that he continues with school and career and the plans he layed out.  GF will probably self destruct herself bc he's not jumping through her hoops.

GFM..... thinkingyou're NOT OPPOSED to the union, may continue to help and not sink you.  That's the hope right?

If, however, you absolutely know she's going to require you start marching around demanding your son stop messing around and ask this girl to marry him..... join in girly wedding dress selection/lunch dates and viewing of swan covered Pagoda sights just perfect for a Spring Wedding......


IIIIII just don't see this going too well for ya.

You're such a nice person, Lupita. 

Hard worker. 

Overcomer.

Teacher of children and student of self and life.

This is a very odd situation and not everyone's life is this difficult or fraught with difficulty.

I would suggest browsing through some books on becoming more assertive, next time you're sipping coffee at the book store.

You need to be able to fence verbally with this woman so that you're not disagreeing but she doesn't realize you aren't agreeing, either.

What you say to your son, in private, will still be about respecting his plans and right to make his own decision....hoping he can stick to his guns.

Frankly, the carrot GFM dangles before you makes my mouth water for ya. 

You don't want to be jerked around and manipulated, which is clearly her intent but..... it would be nice to realize your dream..... and you're worthy, Lupita.

I REALLY WANT YOU TO GET YOUR DREAM!

[Lupita]

Thank you CB. I appreciate your ropinion. I can get the sympathy of this doctor and she will not take into acount my GFM after that. Hopefully.
This is the only opportunity I have had anyway.
Thank you CB, I am considering seriously you opinion. Very seriously.

I just dont want to lose my dignity. But I guess this is not about dignity, this is the dream of all my life. To be a doctor in USA.

I feel that I am doing something terribly. Is that using my son? Am I using my son? NOOOOO!!!! I met this lady before. And I asked for help before. She got the interview with this doctor now. Why now? How opportunistic?

And the cleaning lady, she has been her freidn forever. She has clean the house of this doctor program director forever for years. How come suddenly she says, I will talk to her about you? She promsied me to help my daughter, so she might help you too.

I feel very strange.

[Lupita]

Lighter, you hit the nail. Dancing with the devil.
The appointment is on Tuesday. I have today, Sunday and Monday to think about. Still, your opinion was not towards anything. It seemed that your opinion was more afraid than secure.
I need to know, what would you do?

[Lupita]

If, however, you absolutely know she's going to require you start marching around demanding your son stop messing around and ask this girl to marry him..... join in girly wedding dress selection/lunch dates and viewing of swan covered Pagoda sights just perfect for a Spring Wedding......

Frankly, the carrot GFM dangles before you makes my mouth water for ya.

She is pure evil. I knew that since the beginning. I knew that, and that is why she triggered me so much.

swan covered Pagoda sights just perfect for a Spring Wedding......

I am going to vomit.

[lighter]

Hmmmm... what would I do, Lupita?

I'd take my vitamins and drink plenty of water Sat Sun Mon and Tues mornings. 

I'd excercise and go over some sites on successfully interviewing for a job.

I'd do research on the doctor and facility I was visiting.

I'd hone my short blurb on myself down to a couple short paragraphs and I'd work on internalizing the fact that this doctor wants to like me.

I'm heading towards a very important goal for myself and it makes me tingle and feel good...... other people can pick up on  that when we feel it.

Select clothes for Tues and lay them out.  What do you feel most confident in?  Do you need to have a hair nail ritual tomorrow?

Do your shoes need polishing?

Make a good impression and get that job if it's meant to be yours,  Lupita!

Ummmm..... did I leave anything out, lol?

[finding peace]

Hi Lupita,

IMO, the reason that that door has opened doesn’t matter.  It is open.  Time to grab your future with both hands and fly through that door!

Will you owe GFM’s mother anything because she was the conduit to that open door?  Ie., will you have to get on board and hand your son over to GF all bound up with a nice ribbon ? No.  And I doubt he would allow that anyway. 

If she is doing this as a manipulation to get you to toe the line – you still have the option of stating I am not toeing that line.  I would just be careful how you say it and for the time being – dance with the devil if you have to.

At this point in time – who knows what will happen with GFM, GF, and S.  They have been dating 3 months now.  Your son likes that lolly – prolly because it comes with sex on demand.  It may well wear off, especially if GFMs continues to interfere (and no doubt it will get worse – as you said it is only the tip of the iceberg).

What really jumped out at me with what you wrote about your son is that he seems to have boundaries down very well.  GFM was really encroaching, and he stated that he loved GF, but did not plan on getting married.  He sounds really well adjusted with his head on straight. 

I say go for it and don’t look back. 

Peace

[CB123]

I just dont want to lose my dignity.


Oh, the hell with dignity, Lupita.  Very overrated IMO, dignity is.  Just when we think it's all sewn up, we trip over our own feet in front of someone very important.  And we have to learn how to recover, sans dignity.

I don't know. 

Maybe it's my age--but dignity, to me, is a lot what you project.  If you appear dignified, you are.  I can't think of anybody who has better dignity-capability than a doctor.  heehee  Go for it, Lupita.

Love
CB

[Lupita]

CB, Lighter, Finding Peace, thank you for your answer.
God bless you.

[lighter]

God bless you right back, (((Lupita.)))


Errrrrr.. Dr. Lupita: )

[Lupita]

Maybe I did not make my self understood.

GFM's friend, doctor, does not have a job for me. She is going to interview mw to see if she can get me an observership in wich I can get a letter of recommndation.

Very important, excessively important. But not the end of the road. A lot of time for jerking around the person dependant on that leeter. Me.

Then, with that observership in my CV and that letter of recommendation I would have more possibilities to get a residency training position when the time for application comes. There is  season.

August, July, and September the most important. One universal application for all the USA. The hospital Program Directros look at that one universal application called "ERAS", they choose from that.

Last time I did, I did not have observership nor letter of recommendation from family medicicne doctor. That was bad, nor step 3. I will take step three during easter vacation and if GFM keeps helping I will have letters. Very helpful.

Also, the cleaning lady is a very important chezz piece. Her name is A. A has a close relationship with a Program Director here. Remeber that Program Director are the ones who choose residents from the ERAS application universal application.

So, it is not easy. Not only I have to impress her on Tuesday, but I have to impress her during rounds in Wards if she decides she wants to give me the observership. Like the TV series Scrub. That is a resident. That sour doctor is a program director.

Cleaning lady A has cleaned the house of one of the most important program director in my area, for years and they have developed a good friendship to the point to promise her to take her daughter when she graduates in one eyar and a half. That is a hell of a promise.

Lady A is more important that Dr. Vu. Dr. Vu has no program director relationship, and I have to keep a good relationship with her because a program director is going to call her if want an interview. So, it is a long time ofr jerking around.

GFM knows. GFM picks up Dr. Vu's children after school and takes them home every day. Also she does from her home, her payroll. She has money, she does not need to do it. She does it for entertaining. GFM knows several doctord and goes to their houses, and party with them.

Very scary.

[lighter]

I think the gerrall consensus is that you go for your dream, Lupita.

Recommendation, internship, job or whatever you have to go through.  You want it... go for it.   

There may be a chance you get your dreams squashed or,God forbid, hints get dropped that you'll be sabotaged if you don't start advocating for GF but.... you can't live your life from a position of fear, can you?

::gasp::

It's a hard spot, no denying that. 

[Hopalong]

This is your big chance, Lupita.

Remember that GFM, IF IF IF she decided to try to manipulate you, is just one of the kids you teach in an older body.

That's all. IF IF IF she decided to try to manipulate you.

So IF IF IF she does, you can think ahead to being ASSERTIVE.

ASSERTIVE is not screaming No, I won't! Or melting or cowering.
It's very different than that, and to role-play it, to actually experience it in a workshop, is one of the most empowering (and calming) pieces of knowledge you can experience.

I hope you can find an assertiveness training workshop.
If it costs money you don't have, ask -- with dignity -- for a scholarship to attend.
If they say, No scholarship, go to a community services bureau and ask about grants to help women empower themselves.
Tell them what you want to use it for. Ask if they have any discretionary funds.

When you are assertive, one of the best pieces of practicing it is to learn how to become very comfortable with ASKING.

(Non assertive people sometimes have that confused with groveling, begging, pleading, or hoping.) Asking is simply asking for what you want.

Since you have the dignity of asking for what you want (there is no shame attached), then you of course grant the other person the dignity of responding as they want. Yes or No. That is an example of releasing the outcome.

Persistence in going to sources of help and then another and then another...that's how you live out your dream.

Of being a doctor.

I would not look a GH (gift horse) in the mouth.

Do you know that expression? 

lots of love to you and excitement too.
I know you feel fear but I think you can learn how to stop panicking.

love,
Hops