Just Need a Boost

[cplummer]

A couple of you read my post a few weeks ago and suggested my husband was a psychopath/sadist, based upon what I described.  This hit me hard.  I think because I'm uncovering the layers of denial I lived in for 8 years in a relationship wit this man.  It hurts like hell.  Yes, now I see all of the red flags; but he was deceptive--I guess his disease was deceptive.  I went for the dream.  Now I have 2 boys.  My dream has fallen apart.  I'm just hurting.  I know I'm allowed, but it hurts so much.
It really hurts so much when every interaction I have with the father of my boys, treats me with complete indifference,as is all of this did not even happen.  Or if it did, "I deserved it".  I'm recovering.  I'm walking straight through thepain, because i think this is the only way out.  I jsut finished "Codependent NO More" and see myself so much with this disease.  I can feel myself breaking loose, but it's a painful walk.  I just need a little encouragement.  Thanks..    Cplummer   ( Cshf)

[Ellie]

Cplummer - (((((hugs)))))
I didn't marry the psychopath I once dated, but the pain of it all resurfaced reading your message. The song "Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston came out at the time I discovered the black hole I was in ( many, many years ago). Get that song, play it over and over and sing it loudly to yourself. It has a healing agent. Read the lyrics, believe every word.

http://www.rickmd.com/greatest.htm

"I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us of how we used to be


I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all inside of me
The greatest love of all is easy to achieve


Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all


And if by chance that special place that you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place, find your strength in love"

(((((hugs)))))[/quote]

[Anonymous]

Yes CSHF,  

it is a "painful walk." but better to feel your honest pain than to be in the blank nothingness of denial.  This pain is a temporary thing that will get you to health.  The denial will keep you in pain forever.

Thich Naht Han said something once about how he learned to accept his pain openly so that when he would wake up in the morning he would greet it saying  "Hello pain, how are you today?"  That made me realize that I could treat my pain as a companion for a while, someone traveling with me on the road to healing.  

Also the following quote from (I think) Diane Wilson,

"Healing is a brutal act. It is being mercilessly honest with ourselves, cutting through the terror of our pain to find our own truth. Sometimes we cannot cut all the way through, and there is nothing wrong with that. At the same time, we must remember where we stopped, and why, and be ready to start again from that point, when we are ready to endure more of our own pain. And, of course, we must also be ready to begin at the beginning again, so that we may find a new and truer path."

It takes time Countess.  As many have said before me.... baby steps.  Just take baby steps.  And give yourself credit for every little thing that you do.  You have already done the biggest and hardest thing, you have removed yourself from the abuse.  You will heal.

And since the Countess is Shedding Her Fears, allow yourself to shed the fear of facing your fears.  Maybe I'm getting too fourth dimensional with that one.....   It's late and past my bedtime and I think the brain is getting a little wacky.  I did just want to respond and tell you to hang in there.  It really will get better, even though it may not seem so right now.

I left in March of '03 and it took a whole year before I truly began to feel like I was myself in my own body.  Baby steps, count the molecules of improvement.  Really Countess, you ARE in a better place.

Nighty night, Sleep tight,
Gingerpeach

[Anonymous]

Hi Cplummer,

I might be whacked in the head but I want to share how with you the way I have to get my head and my heart to get in sync with each other in situations like yours.  

I read something one time about an abusive relationship.  The author of this article said to ask yourself a very simple question if you were not sure if you were in an abusive relationship.  He said just simply ask yourself if you had a daughter that was in a relationship with a man that was exactly like the one you had questions about. If you knew everything that was happening to you was being done to your daughter, would you allow this?  Would you allow this treatment of your daughter?  If not, why in the hell do you think it is acceptable that it be done to you.  If it was being done to your daughter, would  you allow it to continue or would you somehow, some way intervene?

He went on to state that if it is happening to you and you are allowing it to continue but would not allow you daughter to be treated this way, why in the hell is it acceptable for you but not your daughter?

That stopped me dead in my tracks and I began to think of my whacky ways to catch my heart up to my head.

I first thought of the ole "stand by your man" dealio.  I thought, hum, stand by your man is fine when he is standing like a man.  A man doesnt call a woman names, he doesnt lay a hand on a woman and a real man would never let a stranger let alone a loved one treat a woman like this.  That is what a real man would do.  Then it hit me, stand by your man is wonderful but when it becomes "LET YOUR MAN STAND ON YOU" it is time to stop standing beside him.

I know I can speak for myself that there is no way in hell I would have allowed my daughters to be treated in the manner that I was treated.  Unconditional love is a very powerful thing to be able to offer someone who needs compassion and understanding but the minute that person begins to abuse that privelage, unconditional love for yourself is the most important thing you have to maintain.

I can understand completely how you feel right now.  I can only sum up my feelings by another whacky thought I had.  I truly felt like I had been rejected by a reject.

I offered unconditional love and in return I received conditional love.  Those do not remotely resimble each other and why I could not get my head to realize that was beyond me for awhile.

You have two sons and I can promise you one day there will be a hell of alot of women who will never know the depths of your pain because you are going to show your sons the way to treat a woman.  If you continued in this relationship, there would be many a women who would suffer at the hands of your sons learned behavior.

I know you hurt right now and I know that it has to feel very lonely and very emotionally draining.  But every rainbow is created because of rain.  Your clouds will begin to clear and once the sun comes out, you will see your rainbow.

[Jaded]

Hi Cplummer,

I might be whacked in the head but I want to share how with you the way I have to get my head and my heart to get in sync with each other in situations like yours.  

I read something one time about an abusive relationship.  The author of this article said to ask yourself a very simple question if you were not sure if you were in an abusive relationship.  He said just simply ask yourself if you had a daughter that was in a relationship with a man that was exactly like the one you had questions about. If you knew everything that was happening to you was being done to your daughter, would you allow this?  Would you allow this treatment of your daughter?  If not, why in the hell do you think it is acceptable that it be done to you.  If it was being done to your daughter, would  you allow it to continue or would you somehow, some way intervene?

He went on to state that if it is happening to you and you are allowing it to continue but would not allow you daughter to be treated this way, why in the hell is it acceptable for you but not your daughter?

That stopped me dead in my tracks and I began to think of my whacky ways to catch my heart up to my head.

I first thought of the ole "stand by your man" dealio.  I thought, hum, stand by your man is fine when he is standing like a man.  A man doesnt call a woman names, he doesnt lay a hand on a woman and a real man would never let a stranger let alone a loved one treat a woman like this.  That is what a real man would do.  Then it hit me, stand by your man is wonderful but when it becomes "LET YOUR MAN STAND ON YOU" it is time to stop standing beside him.

I know I can speak for myself that there is no way in hell I would have allowed my daughters to be treated in the manner that I was treated.  Unconditional love is a very powerful thing to be able to offer someone who needs compassion and understanding but the minute that person begins to abuse that privelage, unconditional love for yourself is the most important thing you have to maintain.

I can understand completely how you feel right now.  I can only sum up my feelings by another whacky thought I had.  I truly felt like I had been rejected by a reject.

I offered unconditional love and in return I received conditional love.  Those do not remotely resimble each other and why I could not get my head to realize that was beyond me for awhile.

You have two sons and I can promise you one day there will be a hell of alot of women who will never know the depths of your pain because you are going to show your sons the way to treat a woman.  If you continued in this relationship, there would be many a women who would suffer at the hands of your sons learned behavior.

I know you hurt right now and I know that it has to feel very lonely and very emotionally draining.  But every rainbow is created because of rain.  Your clouds will begin to clear and once the sun comes out, you will see your rainbow.

[Anonymous]

I have no clue how that went in twice, lol.  Wish I could do this when I make a deposit in my bank account, lol.

Jaded

[cplummer]

It is these affirmations, I believe, that support a woman to leave, to stay out, and to stay sane.  I choose to believe there is a Higher Plan out there for so many reasons, many of which are illustrated in your posts that responded to my pattern of "am I doing the right thing"  "It hurts so much", ....   It makes a huge difference to talk to people who have been through this, who really get all of it.  So many of my friends who are wonderful people dont' understand the anguish and the process the way that people of this site understand--really can empathize.  I thank you for being my Angels.

Ellie, thanks for the song .  I've printed it and put it up right where I can see it.  And yes I love it!!

Jaded,
Yes, you are, of course right.  When his abuse became so horrific in front of my boys  (3 and 5) and they started seeing it and accepting it was ok; this was when I began to realize I could absolutely not go on.  and my 5 year old began treating me in the same aloof, disrespectful way his Dad was.  It was haapening right before my very eyes!  It was heartbreaking and a huge wake-up call.    I was losing my power as a mother with my boys, because they were mirroring their Dad.  It is good to have you remind me of this is such a realy way.  I wrote my 5 year-old his yearly Birthday card  (I write one every year and keep them in a file for when they are older) and I addressed the issue of his Dad's treatment to me and told him it was never ok to bully his partner.  And it is also so good for me to have the analogy about , would I want my daughter to be treated this way ever!!  It is frustrating why I have lost sight of this for myself.  Thank you.  Gingerpeach, thank you for the reminder that I have done the hardest part already--left an abusive relationship.  Thank you for taking the time to read the posts prior so you have the history.  Thank you for reminding me, in a loving way, that "the Countess shedding her fears needs to face them.  You should write more late at night--you are right on!  Thanks for missing a little sleep to help me out .  I slept well because of your replies.