No Contact ............ has positively changed my life

[Leah]

The decision to go for 'No Contact' was not an easy one, far from it, in particular, with regard to my christian faith and belief.

However, being in 'No Contact' has radically changed my life, to the good.

The only difficulty remains, with those who have no understanding or awareness of the reasons 'why' and 'what for' in my going

for the position of 'No Contact'


Leah

[Leah]

Dear Lollie,

Thank you ever so much for your encouragement.

I am struggling to get my words right at the moment, I feel what I need to say, it's just putting it down on paper, as is my usual struggle   

What you have just said is in my heart also, very much so.

Love, Leah

[Lupita]

I have tried to minimize my contacts with my mother. To get a maximum of detachment. But complete NC is going to be impossible, for me. I try to detach. I prepare my self before I read her e mails. But totally NC, I cant.
I have not seen my sister in eleven years. That I can do. I do not talk to her nor see her. My borther, I have not seen in four years but we talk on the phone once in a while.

[Izzy_*now*]

I'm a firm believer in No Contact, as it helped me immensely.

Izzy

[axa]

The only difficulty remains, with those who have no understanding or awareness of the reasons 'why' and 'what for' in my going

for the position of 'No Contact'




This is just it Leah, they have no understanding or awareness and probably never will.  I have given up on explaining and feel this board is one of the few, if not only place that people GET what it was all about and why No Contact is the only way. 

What I have found is that the longer it goes on the more convinced I am that if I had any contact with XN I would still be stuck in the mess with him. I don't think it matters to me too much about othe peoples understanding.  I just thank God that I am not stuck in the madness and knowing that for myself compensates for others lack of understanding. You must remember Leah that Ns are so off the scale of normal that it is difficult for others to get what it is all about.

xxxx

axa


[/quote]

[seasons]

You must remember Leah that Ns are so off the scale of normal that it is difficult for others to get what it is all about.

xxxx

axa

I have found I have to let this go. Well working on it.
 Another N win! as in outside people will never know, understand, SEE them. 
It can be very frustrating and painful to hear
but why? When they don't want to hear the reason, as they have them so high up it is fruitless to even go there.

Having NC basically with my middle sister causes me not go to many extended family events. I look like I don't care about them, or being unsocial. So nothing is said except their perception of me is distorted, another win for them, N's.

I have less guilt. I believe it is best. A peaceful heart is good for us both.

seasons

[Leah]

Dear Lollie,

Thank you so much for sharing your personal life experience with No Contact and Limited Contact.

I can resonate with your father demanding a choice and blameshifting/projecting onto your mother, in a 'divide and rule' manner, as my father has done exactly the same.  Always, "your mother did this or that" and "if I had not have married your mother I would have been a better man."

Limited Contact with N father and some interesting telephone power games thay he played, manipulation and control during last year in particular.

My NPPD mother is a long long story.  No Contact for almost two years now -- which has positively changed my life, to the good.

Both my father and my mother know that they have my forgiveness, yet, they chose to abuse my forgiveness, however, I am not concerned about that, it has been freely given.  Now, the responsibility is theirs to own, and theirs alone.


All of this is sad and true.  Likewise, I feel as if I have to be guarded about what I say to whosoever I am in the company of, in a social or church life setting.  Church is the most difficult for me personally.


Truly, it is only here that one can be free to voice ones life experience in the disordered lane of life.

I do so resonate with the frustration regarding thoughts of having to explain oneself.

Yes, likewise, personally, I am okay with the No Contact, as I truly do believe that God is okay with it and has actually led me to the place of understanding, regarding No Contact.

However, with the ones who are not enlightened ...... it's no easy thing to live in their midst.

As Seasons and Axa have both kindly, and astutely, highlighted ..... they have no understanding or awareness of disordered people

...... which is exactly where I walked for the most part of my life! 

So, seems like that unless they spend an inordinate time studying the subject, then they are not going to 'get it.'  Doubt very much if they would relish the thought of reading through my bookshelf, have already caught a few raised eyebrows at the subject titles   

Personally, I now feel that the best that I can do is to work toward letting this go, and in doing so, retaining the peace and deep joy and contentment, that God has given me, with regard to NC and also LC.

Holding fast to the deep joy and peace that I have within my heart, of which, I am truly grateful, and not letting anything or anyone take it away from me.

Love, Leah


PS >  For my homework, I think that I need to work on some simple sentences to use, as and when appropriate 

[Leah]

You must remember Leah that Ns are so off the scale of normal that it is difficult for others to get what it is all about.


Dear Axa,  Seasons,  Lollie,  Lupita and Izzy

"Thank You"

your words, your voice, has been of value and is very much appreciated.

Genuine:  Love, Hope, Peach and Joy, to us all here on board.

Love, Leah


PS  >  Hope you all like Peaches   

[SilverLining]

I have tried to minimize my contacts with my mother. To get a maximum of detachment. But complete NC is going to be impossible, for me. I try to detach. I prepare my self before I read her e mails. But totally NC, I cant.
I have not seen my sister in eleven years. That I can do. I do not talk to her nor see her. My borther, I have not seen in four years but we talk on the phone once in a while.

This is pretty much how it works for me.  I haven't gone for full NC because of unintended side effects, such as polarizing the rest of the FOO.  Lately I am wondering if it is possible to have a sort of internal NC while still appearing to play the usual social games.  Even the contact I have is really not contact, because there is little real connection.   So the next step is just accepting it the way it is, and finding my real connections elsewhere.

[SilverLining]

hi, tr100

Did you happen to read the "Medium Chill" thread in the "What Helps? section? You may find it helpful...and it sounds like you're doing it already.

Lollie

Hi Lollie.  Yes the "medium chill" is pretty much what I try to do.  I have it somewhat easier than many others on the board because my parents and siblings usually aren't outright nasty, just self absorbed and unresponsive.   

It worked pretty well this Christmas.  I went into the annual ordeal with no expectations and thus I wasn't disappointed.  I try to focus on the positive contact with the less N-ish members of the FOO (which are  my mother and sister) while not paying too much attention to the usual stuff from the others.   Going into 2008 may be the first time I haven't felt drained dry from the holiday contact with the family.