Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?

[Leah]

Leah, That story you described about hiding from the lady is SO much like me!!

I can express boundaries in calm, polite, way, but I'm not very good of dealing with them being ignored or having to get `tougher'. I get so churned up, it almost feels as though its not worth the effort. But I guess I've got think about this in the long term sense huh?

I think what I'm going to try is saying something like: `Look, T, I am sorry if I didn't make it clear enough before, but i really need you to call before dropping in. I don't have time for you now. Bye. Please call next time'.

I wish I thought to give her fake phone number doh!!!

Oh, Bella,

I used to get into an awful tummy churning state.  The lady peered into the window as I was lying on the floor squashed up against the wall under the sill, I can laugh now, but way back then, it was no laughing situation.

Now, it's just my knees that go wobbly, inside, when asserting myself.   

I think what I'm going to try is saying something like: `Look, T, I am sorry if I didn't make it clear enough before, but i really need you to call before dropping in. I don't have time for you now. Bye. Please call next time'.

.... saying that you may not have made it clear enough the last time, is respectfully diplomatic.  I would go with that.


You are doing the right thing, as I discern that she may well have plan to take root in your life.  If that is something you do not want, then, it is best, for you, to nip it in the bud now.

You are responsible for you alone in this situation.

Will be thinking of you.

Love, Leah

[teartracks]

Hi Bella,

I don't like drop in visitors either.  The others have offered good advice that I can't improve on.  I hope you get it all worked out smoothly.  Let us know how it all shakes down.

tt

[Hopalong]

I like that too, Leah.

It's a more graceful way to do it.

Hops

[axa]

This is the one thing I dislike about my upbringing. Things that are right to do, `feel' so wrong (and vice versa). I wish I was wired up differently sometimes.

Bella

I know this feeling also, it is the real backwards stuff that we were brought up with - It makes me so angry that the right way of doing things is so strange for some of us.  Thank you for writing this, much appreciated.  Hope those knees are ok, they will feel great when you stand up for yourself .

Axa

[Leah]

Thank you, Hops

for your encouragement.

Love, Leah

[BonesMS]

Thanks so much in advance, for reading this post; I could use a bit of advice with this.

Ok, a few years back (maybe 5?) , I made a  female friend at my new workplace, which eventually turned sour. She was new student there, and I was a newly employed casual teacher. She appealed to me because she was a gentle, beautiful, interesting woman, and we were both single and in our thirties, full of hope for our futures. So I guess a lot of our early friendship was based on similar life circumstances and our common interest in creativity.

After about 18 months, things had changed a lot for both of us. To keep it short, many of my hopes were realized, but hers were not (and still are not).  She was mostly nice, but on occasion she became resentful, sarcastic, moody, and abusive around me to the point where I just didn't want to be close to  her anymore. If I asked her what was really wrong, would smile fakely and say `oh nothing'.
 
The last time I spoke to her, she screamed at me in my office because of something another teacher did to let her down, as if it were somehow my responsibility to fix that. At that point I told her to take her complaint to the person involved, but i didn't stand up to her. She stormed off, and after that I treated her distantly but politely enough to encourage an apology or explanation for her behavior, which never did eventuate. 

Shortly after that I quit my job to run my current business with my partner. That was over two years ago, and I did not feel inclined to keep up any contact with her.

So fast forwarding to this month: as it turns out, this woman now works in my area, and rides her push bike past my house every day!. I have spotted her 3 times now, and  I actually hid the first and second times I saw her!!! But the last time it happened, I didn't do that and I spoke to her instead.

She was nice to me, though a bit sarcastic as usual in response to the good aspects of my life, and we shared news regarding mutual friends. She gave me a hug, and then said she'd pop in sometimes after work (knowing where I lived). I didn't want that, so I gave her my phone number and  asked her to  please call before hand, as we are very busy people. I fully intended to never invite her around.

So now she keeps `popping in' without calling.

I am really stuck here, because I don't know how to tell a person that I like them as an acquaintance, but I don't want anything closer!!!

So far, I've said to her each time she arrived that I am about to go out, and I would prefer if she called before dropping in. And so far she has ignored my wishes.

Do you think I should just continue this way, until she `gets it' or be more direct? . I just can't think of a way to tell her that i don't want her friendship. I've never been able to say those kinds of things to people.

How would you handle this?

Thanks so much for listening

X Bella

I can totally relate to this and I posted a thread about it.

Since this individual is a casual acquaintance who insists on ignoring your boundaries, I would raise the volume.  If she continues to TRESPASS, then treat her like any other TRESPASSER.

Bones

[Leah]

Dear Bella,

During this afternoon, been thinking about you while wondering if you have had a visit from 'you know who' to deal with?

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Hugs back to you ~ Bella

So pleased to know.

Love, Leah

[reallyME]

Izzy, you are so witty. I love it.

Axa, I'm going to guess at what I think you are trying to say to Bella about not knowing where you begin and they end...is it like feeling VIOLATED?

Bella: She was nice to me, though a bit sarcastic as usual in response to the good aspects of my life, and we shared news regarding mutual friends.

Please keep us informed of how it turns out.  I can relate to the relationship you had with this person.  When I read the above, it made me realize what would likely happen if X came back into my life.  I did sort of run into her and former best friend today online.  I did not say anything to either of them, and personally I feel they deserve each other if former best friend was dumb enough to run back into the situation after all she and I discussed about what happened to us and our children at X's hands.  You reminded me that ever getting back with them would be a BAD thing! Thanks Bella.

[lighter]

Bella:

I found that, even if you get an apology for behavior similar to what you've experienced......

whoever acted that way.....

Isn't going to be able keep from repeating similar behavior.

They can try but.....

the feelings, that drove them to the behavior, in the first place.....

keep bubbling back up again, even when they're trying to do better.

That's been my very limited experience (with someone who was capable of providing a very rational heartfelt apology.) 

I have lower expectations for someone who wouldn't be able to apologize

[reallyME]

Lighter, you are sooooooooo right.  Even the times when X and I tried to patch things up, it all went right back to square one again.

I told a friend of mine that i ran into the two of em yesterday online.  This friend was very comforting to me but also pretty much feels they deserve each other.  See, this friend and I both urged my former best friend to steer clear of x, so if she is foolish enough to end up back with her, well, let the "chips fall where they may."

I just wish that when they left, they didn't take a piece of US with em, ya know?

~L

[Hopalong]

Hey RM,
Can you stay out of that forum they're on?

hugs
Hops

[reallyME]

oh it's not a forum Hops, and frankly, I was there FIRST, so THEY can leave if they choose.  I'm not goin anywhere.  sounds like a brat, but it's true.  God sent me into that room and I plan to continue fellowshipping in it till He moves me elsewhere, but thanks for your advice.