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Author Topic: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?  (Read 4754 times)

Bella_French

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Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« on: January 07, 2008, 05:26:00 PM »
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« Last Edit: February 17, 2008, 08:35:00 PM by Bella_French »
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axa

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2008, 05:42:38 PM »
Hi Bella,

Well how I read it is your experience of this woman was not a pleasant experience.  She was rude and disrespectful to you in the past. (using my favourite quote again) The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Seems by ignoring your request to call before popping in this woman has not changed.

What I would do......... think very clearly what I want to say and try and say it in one sentence.  What would your sentence be?  I would rehearse saying it until it came easy to me then the next time I met her I would say my sentence and NOTHING else.  The minute you start to discuss etc it is easy to loose your focus.  I guess it is about putting down a boundary.  What I hear your boundary is, is you do not want her calling to your house uninvited.  Her reaction to this boundary, if you choose to put it in place, is her responsibility and nothing to do with you.  I am sure this may be very uncomfortable for you but it may be interesting to think about what is the discomfort?  Is it because she may be upset/angry etc.  What I hear is you are the one who is upset because she is being disrespectful to you.  Hope this may be of some use.......please feel free to disregard it if not.

xxxxxxx

Axa
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Ami

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2008, 05:43:27 PM »
Wow, Bella.
That is a good question. I will try to think about it and give an answer. It is hard---isn't it?          Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
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lighter

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2008, 05:55:15 PM »
What axa said. 

You can practice setting a boundary and enforcing it. 
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Izzy_*now*

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2008, 05:56:06 PM »
hi Bella

I agree with the one sentence, keeping it short is imperative.

"Normally I am not this blunt but I don't want you to come here anymore, without calling first.".

I think if she requires an explanation, then go with????

"We have a history that I thought was dead, but perhaps not, for me, and I don't want a repeat."--that is messy, but---

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I've never had to do this.

oh!
"Don't come around here anymore cuz you'll drive me to drink and there I am, back in AA and killing people again!"

or
"You cannot keep dropping by like this. It's like a bird on the roof waiting for me to come out so it can poop on me!"

Good Luck
Izzy
« Last Edit: January 07, 2008, 05:58:45 PM by Izzy_*now* »
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Izzy_*now*

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2008, 06:20:16 PM »
Good, Bella

thank you.

Now did they fit or is there something else that needs to be said?
xx Izzy
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axa

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2008, 06:44:15 PM »
Quote from: Bella_French on January 07, 2008, 05:53:34 PM
Axa, that is excellent advice but it scares me to bits, lol. I really love this idea though. As lame as it seems, I think I would need to write down what i want to say, and practise saying it. I get really pent up with anxiety thinking about it though.

What about hiding? Do think hiding would be ok?? Lol

X bella

Bella,

I find standing up for myself a bit scary also but the more I do it in a respectful way the less scary it becomes.  I know about wanting to hide and hope it all goes away!!!!!!  I do find it useful when I need to set a boundary to work through what is being breached and who is doing it.  I find it interesting when someone is disrespectful to me and I need to set a boundary that I feel bad about it until I figure out who is doing what to whom................. takes me a while, bit of a slow learner here.

axa






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Ami

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2008, 06:47:50 PM »
Dear Bella,
  I think that you should be firm and up front. You don't have to be cruel,but I think that you should be firm. It feels "bad" to me. I think you should honor your "gut" feelings.      Love    Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
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axa

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2008, 06:55:06 PM »
Bella,

I just remembered something and wanted to let you know.  I realise that when I feel responsiblefor others feelings e.g. feeling guilty when I set a boundary because it may upset the person who is disregarding my boundary, it is because (oh dear, this sounds very complicated) I do not know where I begin and the other ends.  I wish I could draw a diagram for you because I could explain it easier.  If it does not make sense ok, maybe somebody understands what I am trying to say (rather badly) and can explain what I mean. SOOOOOOOOOO in essence taking on another's feelings means that I do not have clear boundaries with that person....WHAAAAAAAAAAA think I am making this more complicated.  Better stop


axa
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lighter

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2008, 07:03:40 PM »
Bella... I also find it helpful to sit down and journal through my feelings until they're distilled down to their essense.... no confusion on my part.

I'd be very tempted to do it before confronting this 'friend.'
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changing

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2008, 07:11:42 PM »
Hi Bella-

Your ex-friend sounds like Hyacinth Bucket in the old BBC series "Keeping Up Appearances" - always making people dive into the bushes at the mere sight of her!
The hardest part is that as she is regularly so close to your home, you are a sittimg duck for her visits/attacks!!! You might tell her that you do not accept visitors after work without an appointment- perhaps you could press her with sales pitches for the items produced in your business, often people seem to find that repellant!Izzy's ideas are quite good. You perhaps might also not answer the door for her when she knocks, or put a "Do Not Disturb" or "SHHH-Baby is Sleeping " sign up, play music that drowns her out, etc., ask her to pitch in and mop the kitchen, etc.
I also do not like to tell someone that I do not want to know them better or spend time with them on a one-to-one basis, and prefer to let my actions do the talking. Honest but not mean or arrogant.
Congratulations on your sucessful business Bella!

Love,

Changing
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Izzy_*now*

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2008, 07:18:53 PM »
Hi changing

You mean BOOKAY (Bouquet)  Gee I loved her but she drove me nuts.
and that poor brother next door, and the sister never failed to spill tea,

Yes this is a mess but I think Bella can work out something

Izzy
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changing

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #12 on: January 07, 2008, 07:24:51 PM »
Hi-

I think one of the running gags was that Hyacinth insisted on pronouncing the last name as "Bouquet" when actually it was spelled "Bucket" and herhusband said that bucket was the correct pronunciation as well.
I know that Bella can handle this Hyacinth redux, and keep her composure, cool and balance while doing it! She is creative, so I am sure she will find an interesting method...

Love,

Changing
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Hopalong

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2008, 08:31:32 PM »
"It's awkward to say this, but I want you to hear me.
I do not want you to drop in without being invited."

[cue] turn and walk away, do not wait for response

love,
Hops
the frustrated nonscreenwriter

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Ami

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Re: Ex friend working in my area - how would you handle this?
« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2008, 08:41:56 PM »
Dear Bella,
  Think of it as practicing the "skill" of being assertive. I have a bad feeling about this lady, Bella. I would not let her impose on you. I really wouldn't.          Love   Ami
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung
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