I finally had to break down and ask for a loan. I selected an old family friend who's worth more than I can count. I picked her for her (perceived) compassion. I find that the asking broke me down even more. It was very hard to do. But I had to remember that I was doing it for my survival. She asked me a hundred inappropriate personal questions. Told me to lose weight, exercise, go to church, turn it over to God, and that she thought I had been extravagant - that's why I was in a fix. I was humiliated. If I hadn't been holding out hope, I would have gotten up and left. But since she's such a good friend of my NM, I knew what the effect of that would be. I felt an inch high when I left and all the things she said to me or questioned me about I knew had come from my NM. I said nothing bad about my NM to her. She implored me to go talk to my NM about it, that surely she would want to help. She asked about my father's estate and was astounded that he had left his children nothing. All I said about my NM was that she was too fragile for me to talk to about this - it would "do her in".
Of course, it didn't take me long to become angry. How could she treat me that way? Then I realized my NM had been laying the groundwork for this, painting a despicable picture of me to her and her other friends. It has rocked me back to being 9 years old and feeling so hated by my family. It has been a cesspool of feelings and a surprise that I should revisit those feelings for the first time in years and discover them to be as horrible as I remembered. I actually have a physical pain in my chest from those feelings - the vivid recollection of how I always felt I was pulling on a muddy, slippery rope out of the pit of her hatred. I thought all that was in the past - and now I feel it has always been there for her to use to make herself look better. All she has to do is convince her friends of the "crosses" she has to bear in regards to her daughter, then her picture as a tortured saint will be complete. Machiavellian, to say the least.
I do not seem to be able to pull out of the pit this time. I am consumed with hatred for her and anger at that "family friend". I hate her!