I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help

[Gabben]

Thank you Izzy -- I needed to hear that.

She brings out the worst in me. Her work and my work are similar and I feel badly that we cannot collaborate and work together. I even tell myself to put aside my feelings for the benefit of others but then I know what will happen if I get to close to her again, she will take me out with gossip and covert aggression, leaving me with less strength to do my work and help others.

Just this morning I was praying and really asking myself what buttons does she push which are mom buttons and abandonment buttons. I realized that the pain of being ignored and pushed aside by someone who gets esteemed is very similar to being a little girl in me who was ignored and dismissed by her mom. In my eyes, as a child, my mom was the world, she was the person I esteemed the most, so for her to hurt me by ignoring me and cause me so much pain was so distressing and that festering wound is open and healing.

Another good thing that happened is a woman, whom I really like, emailed me this morning telling me that she heard me on the radio, speaking about my work, she said that I was great and she encouraged me and blessed me, much needed. Her connection really makes a difference and it let me know that I am being watched over and protected.

Thanks Izzy and love to you on this day!

Lise

[Ami]

I am glad that you got that validation ,from the other person,Lise.We,  humans, need love and validation, as part of our make-up.It is not a weakness. I am learning that more and more.
  We need to give and recieve love,almost like food.
  Lise, it is good that you see "something" positive from the horrible experience with the N. That way YOU won and thrived ,in spite of her.
 It is very, very hard to try to eke out  positive from such great pain. I am inspired to see how you are ,Lise.
                                                                   Thanks for your friendship. It means a lot to me.   Love   Ami

[Gabben]

I am glad that you got that validation ,from the other person,Lise.We,  humans, need love and validation, as part of our make-up.It is not a weakness. I am learning that more and more.
  We need to give and receive love,almost like food.
  Lise, it is good that you see "something" positive from the horrible experience with the N. That way YOU won and thrived ,in spite of her.
 It is very, very hard to try to eke out  positive from such great pain. I am inspired to see how you are ,Lise.
                                                                   Thanks for your friendship. It means a lot to me.   Love   Ami

Ami - your words above really helped me just now. This morning I was beating myself up a bit for needing validation. I told myself that I should not be emotionally dependent on emails that praise me or help boost me a little...but you know what, it did help, it helped me to want to keep working to help others. Most of the time I try really hard to remain anonymous to crucify my pride and just keep the good that I do between myself and God. I shun or run from the spotlight, if can be avoided. But that response, or boost from this woman, really helped me. I will keep working to help others, quietly, and never seek praise.

Mother Teresa would say that "if we are truly humble we would be unchanged by neither praise nor discouragement."

Still working on that - Does that mean that it is not OK to need a little love and a thank you from God once in a while?

Peace my friend ((Ami))

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I used to think that it was "weak" to need people. I thought that it was 'superior" to be able to be fine ,alone. After this tragedy,I see that I DO need people. I need love and caring. I need people to help me.
I,also, need to give.
 It is NOT weak. Any social creature needs others of it's same type. With dogs, they get depressed if they are left alone or, even ,not touched.
  We are social creatures as part of our make up.
  I used to feel  as you did ,until I really got so raw and humbled that I reached out and found that interactions were a balm to me and I needed them.
Right after Scott died, I felt guilty for accepting help. I could barely move ,so I accepted help. Then,Maria said that people WANT to help you and it is rejecting them not to let them help you.
  I thought about both sides of love and realized that you have to be comfortable with both, so I dropped my defenses and just recieved  love.
 At his funeral ,I had hundreds of people hugging me, telling me how much they loved him, how sorry they were for me, how they were there if I needed them.. I had people bringing  food and flowers. I just relaxed and embraced the love.
 I saw how good it felt to recieve love. It has a life giving quality to it.
   When we have been abused,it is probably easier to give love than recieve it,I would think.
    Anyway, that is my  experience.         
    I think that that lady was sent to help you at a very hard time, when you were facing your abuse from the saintly N. You needed her love and support.            Love  , Ami

[Gabben]

Are you working closely all the time with this woman?

Hi Izzy,

No, fortunately I do not have to see her or have any contact with her. We could very easily put our hearts together and work together to help others but she is too deeply envious of me to every work so closely with me. I used to try to get her to work with me as well as I used to promote her work for her, I always just wanted camaraderie, friendship and to work to help and inspire others. At a later point, as I started to grow, she switched from spiritual director counselor/friend to just counselor again without telling me. It was confusing. It was her way of saying, "don't grow past me, don't get well, I'm above you and don't forget it."

A Toxic person is as bad as an N and definitely would know what they are doing. I have put all the toxic people in my life, the ones who cause me upset in any way, over on the other side of the fence and they are not allowed to come on my side without my permission.

Your absolutely correct, she does know exactly what she is doing. I have seen the look in her eyes. Once I gave her a DVD of a theologian who was  beyond a gifted speaker, very talented speaker. She, being a public speaker herself, could only comment on how "jealous I am of his speaking gifts." Myself, on the other hand, was so touched by what this guy said and his message that if never even occurred to me to compare myself and or think about feeling jealous...I looked at her and thought yes, so, but "wasn't what he said great?", as if she missed the point, she is too busy worried about her self image and gaining attention, comparing herself to others to allow herself to be enriched or touched by the goodness and gifts of life.

As far as validation, being a person, you are validated. If you require pats on the back too much, then you need to work on your self-esteem, but you appear to be up there whereby you are close to just requiring a little pat now and again. I speak from experience on that, from the time of never receiving a pat until I went out to work, leaving home, first time. I was a natural and my boss kept saying so. This is always were I excelled, in my work, and still do.

We all need love and to be acknowledged - you are exactly right, balance and or excess..too much of anything is just not a good thing.

About being on the radio, now that is a lovely acknowledgment from the woman, and particularly being that it is a different occasion from being at work. Good for you.

The compliment did not come from the saint N woman, it came from a friend who works along side me too. She, my friend, was very encouraging.

N saint would have never complimented me or given me any recognition for any achievement or talent, no never - she was too deeply envious to to ever appreciate anything about anyone.

 

Have a great day. Ir's sunny here.

It is raining cats and dogs here!!!

Bye!! (((IZZY)))

Lise

[Gabben]

Dear Lise,
  I used to think that it was "weak" to need people. I thought that it was 'superior" to be able to be fine ,alone. After this tragedy,I see that I DO need people. I need love and caring. I need people to help me.
I,also, need to give.
 It is NOT weak. Any social creature needs others of it's same type. With dogs, they get depressed if they are left alone or, even ,not touched.
  We are social creatures as part of our make up.
  I used to feel as you did ,until I really got so raw and humbled that I reached out and found that interactions were a balm to me and I needed them.
Right after Scott died, I felt guilty for accepting help. I could barely move ,so I accepted help. Then,Maria said that people WANT to help you and it is rejecting them not to let them help you.
  I thought about both sides of love and realized that you have to be comfortable with both, so I dropped my defenses and just received love.
 At his funeral ,I had hundreds of people hugging me, telling me how much they loved him, how sorry they were for me, how they were there if I needed them.. I had people bringing food and flowers. I just relaxed and embraced the love.
 I saw how good it felt to receive love. It has a life giving quality to it.
  when we have been abused,it is probably easier to give love than receive it,I would think.
    Anyway, that is My experience.         
    I think that that lady was sent to help you at a very hard time, when you were facing your abuse from the saintly N. You needed her love and support.            Love , Ami

Oh Ami,

How much I agree with all that you wrote above. Lately your posts have been sticking to my heart and I have been getting so much strength form you at a time when you are in so much pain - people say that some of the greatest poetry is and was written when people are in their depths of sorrow or despair of life. I know that you are not in despair. Your wonderful faith in Christ helps you know that Scott is OK and deeply loved by God as well as all one day will be forgiven, healed and joyful!

My N saint used to make me feel so yucky for needing or wanting to be affirmed, approved or seen. Now I realize that she was projecting onto me her own shame and toxic needs and could not see that I was for the most part just seeking to fill and talk about my "holes" the areas where I did not get enough love growing up. You would think that a T or counselor would not shame you or make you feel so wrong for needing love...but she did....she made me feel like crap for being human.

Thanks dear friend, hope you are well today... I missed your normal AM PM.

Love,
Lise