Silently Witnessing abuse - how to you cope??

[Bella_French]

A thread that Gabben started this week triggered me, and I have been trying to understand my feelings, and how to express them. I wonder if some of you can relate?

I don't know about the rest of you, but the abuse in my family is not `behind me'. It continues in the form of my mother's continued and escalating abuse of my father, and in the form of my sisters raising their children abusively.

Now, I have long learned to mind my own business. I don't criticise my family because it's never `heard' and all it does is cause tensions. So I have become a  `silent witness' to abuse that I regard as frightening, sad,  and awful. Its probably worse because my comprehension of what is unfolding before me is becoming more clear as each year passes.

I deal with it by distancing myself from my family, and becoming less and less involved with my mother, sisters, and their children. Its sometimes feels anguishing, for want of a better word. I love my nephews and nieces, and we were so close when they were younger. But I don't know how to handle being close to an abusive mother and watch the children raised that way.

Its like the `ostrich' approach to things and I don't like myself for doing it. I almost feel ashamed of having such knowledge , and doing nothing. I wish I could speak up, help out. But I am powerless. I don't think I've ever really been ok with that.

Just last week, for example, I was chatting to one of my sisters about her `evil' child. Now when he was younger, my sister would report her pride in him for being so smart and inquisitive, and glib. She would say `this one is going to be a lawyer'.

This was until he started to question her  Catholic faith. He blurted out during amass once `that is not Jesus's blood!'  . And from then on, he has been labelled `the evil child' and he has been harshly disciplined for questioning, for basically thinking his own thoughts.

I have since learned a lot about the term `intellectual abuse' and the consequences for the abused child, when he becomes an adult. So I'm watching my nephew be `intellectually abused', and it feels very bad.

last week, my sister said she is taking that son out of school (a strict catholic school) and will home school him for two years (so he will not be exposed to female students or `other' ideas via classmates). She is not a  teacher!! Its all about brainwashing the poor child! As soon as he is the right age, he will sent to `priest school' in aother part of Australia.

So at ten, she has decided his career for him, and is isolating him from all other possibilities. There is a lot more to the abuse than this, but its what annoys me right now the most.

So i guess my question to all; what is your `stance' on witnessing abuse? How do you make your peace with that stance?

X bella   



 

[Gabben]

Hi Bella,


After putting myself in your shoes I tried to come up with something here to write that could be helpful to you.

But first, I want to express how frustrating and heartbreaking it must be for you to watch and witness the emotional abuse of your nephews and nieces.  I have nieces and nephews who I love and adore so much - they are happy and my sister is a great mom...I could not even imagine what I would do if I had to stand back and witness any form of pain in their lives at the hands of their parents.

In your post your write that "you are not heard."  Well, don't give up. Keep trying...you are only a silent witness as long as you stay silent. Doing the right thing is not always the popular thing, correct?

The first thing might be to try to sympathize with your sister and find out, without contempt, why she acts the way she does. Investigate and then share with her your feelings of pain and anguish...keep sharing your feelings everytime you hear of a misdeed to one of her children. Sharing and expressing yourself is the way to not stay silent, regardless of whether or not they listen (what do you have to lose?)...it may not change or control the situation but it will help you feel better and then you will be able to say at least I tried. It is not up to you to change them or control the situation. But, it is up to you to just be honest and a good example of fearless love so that your nieces and nephews will learn from at least one family member what acceptance and love are.

It may also be a good way for you to practice communication skills.

One thing that stands out to me is that her son felt free enough to express himself when he exclaimed "that is not Jesus Blood!"

Good for him for expressing his honest thoughts.

He can not be that squished or perhaps he is on his way to being squished. But whatever the case, when he grows up, he will be able to make up his own mind about what faith he wants to believe in, if any. And, if his mother has put a bad taste in his mouth for Catholicism, then I'm sure he will go exploring.

Your sister has her religious convictions and it sounds like you have a strong dislike for the Catholic faith.... that may also be another factor here.

I don't know if any of this helps but I'm sure others here will fill in the blanks and add more too.

Lise

[Bella_French]

Dear Gabben,
 I was raised catholic myself, and those are my values. Some of them I came to agree with more deeply via experience, but I have mostly felt good about my upbringing and learning the `principles of love'  (thats how i see Jesus's teachings) I have expanded my beliefs somewhat, to adapt to my own experiences and additional knowledge i have gained, and I am not convinced that there is any great evidence supporting one explanation for our creation over any other. So I guess you'd call me agnostic? I am ok with catholicism, and never felt the need to rebel because it was `presented to me' rather than forced on me in an abusive way.

My only issue with the way my sister practices Catholicism is that it blinds her to her own child- abuse. She uses her religion to justify what she's doing, but its not the religion , as such, that I have an issue with.

Gabben, i honestly don't have avoice in thsi situtaion, again because by token of her beliefs, i am evil sinner going to hell, and not someone's who's opinion is trusted.  She has convinced her children of this also, and there is no way for me to reach them as a concerned adult. Again, thsi brainwashing and character assassination is soemthing she justifies via her belief system.

I just hope to make my peace with it somehow...the voicless aspect of it. I suppose it boils down to the serenity prayer?

X bella

[Gabben]

Thanks for taking the time to explain that. I sympathize with you. I think you and I are just getting to know each other here.

What initially brought me to this board was a woman who was acting the saintly part but doing some very covertly aggressive behaviors under the guise of loving Christian behavior such as turning the other cheek when actually she was avoiding and shunning and pushing or exploiting people to join her prayer group and guilting them if they didn't or being cold to me when I was experiencing some of the most painful memories from my childhood. She used to tell me to just forgive; there was always a subtle message that my old anger and pain was wrong or something to be ashamed of.  The problem was like you said, she does not even know that she is doing this stuff. She genuinely thinks that she is OK yet she behaved like a 3 year old and uses prayer as a way to fill the shallow emotional voids in her life.

It was painful for me to have at one time trusted her. She triggered an even deeper anger in me that was all about my mom and the deep layers of repressed emotion of hatred and anger I had been carrying towards her. I have spent the last 6 months re-feeling the old hurt and yet trying my hardest to not give in to feelings or thoughts of revenge, I recognized that I suffered from depression for years because of my anger. It was not until this last year did I realize how angry of a person I was and how much I was making myself suffer as a passive way to get back at my parents.

Recently my anger has softened. My T said last night that I am so much softer than I was last year at this time. Progress. Also, I find it hard to criticize has I used to. I'm tired of being angry.

I have no idea where I am going with all of this... it just came out.

The point is that I understand your sister using religion to abuse and hide her anger behind and I understand your pain.

I hope that for you to write about this and get some support and compassion here helps.

Peace and hugs,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
  It is really hard for you to watch. Bella. I know that you want to rescue the children, but you can't.
  I wish s/one could rescue them ,as you do. I guess, that you have to face the practicalities of the situation.
  If you have NO power to help the children, you have no choices. It is pitiful . It brings me back to childhood pain to think about it.
   I know that you would be a wonderful force for good,if you were only allowed .
  I guess that you should try your best to have some influence. Beyond that, your hands are tied ,it seems. I am sorry ,Bella, for you and for them.                       Love   Ami

(((((Bella)))))))))))))
 

[Lupita]

Several years ago I read an article of a group of jewish students during second world war. The teacher made them learn the Lord' Prayer, "Christian" and told them that it may save their life one day. And one day it did indeed. Nazzis came to that classroom looking for jewish students. The teacher convenced them that they were not jewish becasue they knew the Lord's prayer. They recited it in front of them and they left very satisfied.
From that point of view, is there a way that you can be like a CIA agent, I mean, gain your sister's trust, to be able to help your nephew?
It is heart braking to see somebody you love being abused. Or knowing that your abuser is abusing somebody else and there is nothing you can do.
Hope that you come up with something to get closer to your sister, so you can be closer to your nephew and help him.
God bless you.

[Ami]

That is beautiful ,Lupita!                                  Ami

[Gabben]

Perhaps it was not so much the disguise of the children praying the Our Father prayer itself but that in the recitation they prayed asking God, as the prayer goes, 'and deliver us from evil.'

It was partly the Catholic prayer and God's answer or intervention that saved their lives.

Nevertheless, Lupita has a good point, love your sister and try to get close to her (love your enemy) and perhaps she will see the error of her ways.
Lise

[Hopalong]

Hi Bella,

I agree with Lupita.
If you can befriend the kids even without being upfront with your sister about your motive, that is for the greater good (their future wellbeing). Let her recite dogma and just stay vague (no point in debating theology with her, her mind is closed and locked).

But if you can do that, then in every small opportunity you get with the kids, you can say things like:

No matter what anyone says, even a grownup, you are good inside, just exactly as you are.
God gave us a brain to think with, and God is bigger than everything. Way bigger than church.
God doesn't mind when people ask questions. Some adults do.
It's always safe to talk to God.
You don't have to be like everybody else.
God loves you.
I love you.
Bad thoughts don't make you a bad person. Everybody has bad thoughts. It's normal.
God loves everybody in the world, including you, no matter what anyone says.
You're a good boy/girl.
Good for you!
I really admire a thinker.
What a fine mind you have.
It's okay not to know the answers now.
You can think all your life.

Etc...(I can see you muttering quiet little gems of freedom and acceptance as you bend over to tie a shoe...)

xo
Hops

[Bella_French]

Thankyou and many hugs to you all!!!  I really appreciate the suggestions. But more than that, I think I just needed to talk about how it feels to witness abuse within one's own family, but be powerless to voice anything or change anything. I've never done that before, and I really do feel so grateful for your validation, ideas,  and support. I do feel a step further along in making peace with this.

X bella

[Leah]

Several years ago I read an article of a group of jewish students during second world war. The teacher made them learn the Lord' Prayer, "Christian" and told them that it may save their life one day. And one day it did indeed. Nazzis came to that classroom looking for jewish students. The teacher convenced them that they were not jewish becasue they knew the Lord's prayer. They recited it in front of them and they left very satisfied.

From that point of view, is there a way that you can be like a CIA agent, I mean, gain your sister's trust, to be able to help your nephew?
It is heart braking to see somebody you love being abused. Or knowing that your abuser is abusing somebody else and there is nothing you can do.
Hope that you come up with something to get closer to your sister, so you can be closer to your nephew and help him.
God bless you.

Thank you for sharing, Lupita.

Much appreciated and greatly valued as I did not know of this true story account and will remember, treasure it.

The Lord's Prayer is precious as it is the model of prayer that Jesus taught us, as recorded in the gospels of Matthew and Luke. Matthew 6:10-14

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Etc...(I can see you muttering quiet little gems of freedom and acceptance as you bend over to tie a shoe...)

xo
Hops

Gosh, Hops

Lightbulb moment, for that is just what my Auntie did for me!!! 

She would drop out just a little sentence here and there, which I now realize, I must have tucked away in my heart.

She was my lifeline, as I have shared here previously.

So, therefore, she wasn't a 'silent' bystander. 

Love, Leah


PS >>  Often, I have wondered, as to whether my Auntie reported my NMother to the authorities, as a lady spoke with me. 

But, NMother would have dealt with that in her usual scheme of things, and seen her off.

[reallyME]

perhaps it's me, but I did not see anyone urge Bella to report the abuses in her family.  If so, sorry for the oversight, if not, PLEASE BELLA. BE A VOICE FOR THE INNOCENT VOICELESS ONES IN THE ABUSE SITUATIONS.  Someone needs to blow the whistle, take the risk and save those lives.

~Laura

[lighter]

I'm so sorry Bell.... I deal with similar guilt and sorrows in that area.

It's like playing advanced chess..... when you're not even good at checkers.

Trying to control your tongue and brain so you can do the best you can..... in a bad situation.

Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what to do...... instead of feel helpless then guilty for doing to little. 

I agree with Lupita and Hops, stay involved and try to give the children little glimpses of themselves as they can and will be.

[Bella_French]

Thankyou Lighter (and of course Hops:). It is hard to have gained insights, and to see things unfold exactly as you know they will. Maybe I'm just impatient to see humanity change for the better. We have the knowledge , collectively, to make this planet work. But its not acted upon. I feel feelings about that, lol. 

X bella