How my spirit thirsts for freedom!
Free from what?
What is there that cannot be thrown off?
Free from my feelings of inferiority.
Free from my hurtful past.
Free from the lack of approval of my condescending father.
Free from my desire to have him understand what he has done to me.
...
In the ruinous desire to become free I have lost sight of myself. I have been chasing a dream, a fantasy, a spook. And, in the process I have created the servitude of myself. You see, in this madness of seeking freedom I have been looking for the answer outside of me instead of focussing inside me. When you think it over carefully, freedom is just a useless permission. And in that sense it is nothing but a fantasy.
Freedom looks outside of yourself for liberation when in fact you can only become truly free when it is achieved through your own power. And, in this sense, it is no longer called freedom, but instead: AUTONOMY.
Autonomy comes from the Greek meaning "self rule". And when you have autonomy, freedom is nothing more than a play thing that serves you at some times and doesn't serve you at others. But either way, it is totally redundant because everything defers to the SELF!
Autonomy does not ask for my father's approval because that would be self-contradictory. To seek his approval would require a decision on his part and as such is simply not self rule.
Autonomy does not ask for reparations for past misfortunes. To do so would be looking for something outside of me to settle the case, so to speak, and as such is again not self rule.
Autonomy does not require my father to finally understand what he has done. For, as long as I wait for that understanding, I cannot rule my self. I must wait until he decides, must wait for him to judge, must wait for him to rule!
No, I no longer have a taste for freedom and have accepted that I will never be free. But, autonomous I will always be as long as I never lose sight of myself and allow others or even ides to rule me. No, I rule myself, I decide for myself, I judge myself, I am AUTONOMOUS!
Let us look at this from another point of view. Suppose my father finally recognized what he has done, he even admits it to me, and he understands entirely. He even assures me that I am my own person and not to let anyone else tell me otherwise. And even more, he works tirelessly to amend the hurts of the past.
Will this make me feel better?
Am I not now just as much his puppet as I was before?
To be sure, I may begin to feel better, and perhaps even increase my self-esteem. But, what would I be? Simply liberated! He would have given me the freedom, it is not my own.
No, this is still servitude and has a bitter taste for me.
So, I will instead take the courage to make myself the central point of my life, to determine myself, to create myself, to finally give myself VOICE!
It is no longer another's words that i hear in my head. No, it is now my voice, my thoughts, and my judgements. And interesting enough (though this should not be surprising) I am finding what a beautiful voice it actually is. It is a compassionate, infinitely loving, soothing, comforting, ..., voice. But why should it not be, for how could I not love myself more than anyone else possible could?
This is the essence of autonomy. It is being lead by yourself and only asking after yourself. It is so natural and beautiful that mere words cannot describe. It is also somewhat intoxicating, as I have not felt this way for so long.
So, follow me and give up this pathetic dream of freedom. Seek instead autonomy and let that voice of yours come to life. Dig deep and pull it to the surface. Really and honestly bring it forth and you will see that you have finally found yourself.
With love,
Steve
