Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How to deal with a visit from an N
Violet:
Hi,
I've been reading this board on and off for a long while, but this is my first post. I'm absolutely desperate. My father-in-law is a classic case N - he's even been profossionally diagnosed as such by two psychologists.
The problem is this: He and and his doormat, er wife, are coming to visit for two weeks! They were just here for two weeks over Christmas. It was such a nightmare that by the end no one was speaking to anyone.
I'm dreading this visit like mad.
I've read two oppsoing views on coping with an N's behavior. The first says to leave as soon as they begin their antics since abandonment is what they fear most. The second said to come back at them with same amount of vehemence as they dish out. Since they are complete cowards, the reasoning is they will back off.
What works best for you guys? Anything???
Oh man. I just can't believe their coming back again!
In the past, we've point blank rudely told them not to come, and all that happens is the Wife calls and calls with sob stories about how sad N is and they just need to see us. (Yeah! Because he needs a fresh N supply.) On two occasions, even faced with this kind of pressure, we held firm and you know what? They came anyway. And it was hell, because it always is.
Our house is so peaceful and loving (not to mention clean) and within hours of their arrival nasty junk is everywhere, he's calling the wife a "fat wildebeest," playing his stupid guitar loud as hell outside, putting his son down, refusing the dinner I cook...
Short of a nuclear meltdown, what can I do to best ensure the most harmonious visit possible?
Anonymous:
Your anticipation of this horrible visit is already very high!! I've read the same about how to deal withthese people. I for one have tried the --being venemous right back to them--bit I can't seem to get mean enough--no matter what I do. I would strongly recommend a firm "NO". " Stay in a hotel, we have some other committments during this period" "Let's get together one night for dinner--at a restaurant" The N will probably be on beter behavior so he can impress everyone in the place. Why would you want to subject yourself and your lvoing family to this nightmare. It absolutely sounds horrible. empower yourself on this one!! Then the visits will happen far less frequently or not at all!! Good job trying to be proactive and put up the protective shield. Follow-through with it!!
Cplummer CSHF
Violet:
My folks live in town and my Dad is in bad health so I am planning on staying there all day and just coming back to my home to sleep.
That's the best I've been able to come up with thus far.
The last visit was so unbelievable that I think after twelve years of marriage to my husband, I have finally developed a full-blown allergic reaction to my in-laws!
Thanks for responding. I'll try to take deep soothing breaths!
sonia:
Violet,
Do you have kids? And if you do, have you thought about the impact this visit would have on them? What's with your H? Can he not stand up to these folks.
Sorry to ask so many questions. But this seems severe. And destructive to you and family. Why do they stay with you?
Sonia
Anonymous:
I am confused as to how these people will gain access to your home for two weeks, when they aren't even invited. There is no way to lessen the horror based on your description. You've already paid your dues with these idiots. They shouldn't even get past the door.
bunny
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