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How to deal with a visit from an N
Violet:
Part of the problem is that for their entire married life (30+ years), my mother in-law has presented this front that everything is fine and that her husband is just sensitive. When the boys came along, the cardinal rule in the house was "don't upset Dad, no matter what." She never has acknowledged to anyone, including herself, that her husband has any kind of problem aside from being sensitive.
The boys had, like many children of Ns, assumed that they were as flawed as their father had led them to believe and that essentially they were to blame for most everything. It has only been since the boys have married and been exposed to their wive's normal families that they have learned their household was dysfunctional as hell.
Since then, the boys (one of whom is my husband, of course) have distanced themselves from them, but both men are good, compassionate, loving and warm and it simply is not within them to cut their father and mother off.
It's all such a farce though. No one has ever come right out and said, "N you're a mean-spirited jerk and I don't want you in my house." How could we? He gets away with most of his obnoxious behavior because the rest of us are civilized and polite.
Nonetheless, the sons feel tied to this farce because of their mother. They pity her and are disgusted with her frequently, but they view her as a victim and simply feel they cannot abandon her. She falls to pieces if N gets himself in a snit, which in turn makes the boys feel terrible since it is usually they who inspire the snit.
Although, the last time N paced in front of our house for 4 hours like a deranged psycho was when I politely asked him to turn down his guitar since the night before my husband and I been in the ER all night miscarrying a child and we both needed an afternoon nap. The upside to this snit, and most of the others, is that N refuses to speak to the offending party for at least 1/2 a day.
Although we've wanted children for several years, none have come our way. However, I can tell you my sister in-law never leaves her children alone with their grandparents. She is afraid of what might happen to them since N is so impulsive, manipulative and weird. One time she caught N telling her 7 year old son that he didn't need to finish his dinner because he was already getting fat. (By the way, it should come as no surprise to you seasoned vets that the boy is not at all overweight, but it is only N's projection of himself onto the tyke and his skewed world view.)
I wish the situation was so simple as to say, "I'm sorry, but we can't see you anymore." Barring N doing something violent, I don't see this as a possibility. My husband's solution has simply been to not rely on them for any emotional support whatsoever. He doesn't expect it of them and he doesn't, in turn, share any of himself with them. I'm sorry for them, because they've got a great kid, but MIL is too concerned with N to care about anyone else and N is too concerned with himself to care about anyone else.
Anonymous:
Two weeks is a long amount of time for anyone to visit. You shouldn't feel bad about asking them to limit their visit to a reasonable length or to stay in a hotel.
Violet:
Here's the deal with the visit lengths: they lie. Like this time, they said to my husband (he was on the phone with his mother so I only heard one half of the conversation) they'd like to come and visit for 5 days. He says okay (why bother arguing anymore?), when do you plan to stay? They say on a Thursday, we'll spend two weekends at your place, then leave the following Tuesday.
When he gets off the phone he tells me this and I start doing a little math. I tell him, it's not 5 days it's more like 12-13 days. He looks perplexed for a second then says, "oh yeah, they said they're going to spend some time in another town with a friend of Mom's."
By this time we had rubbed the sleep out of our eyes (they always call very late) and then we both said, sort of laughingly, "They said they would do that when they were here over Christmas and they didn't."
Plus that, I know Lynn's friend and I know for a fact that she hates N and he hates her too. N just said they'd visit the friend. He has no intention of doing so, I just know it.
As for the hotel, I know this is hard to believe, but they are too cheap to rent a room, they would just sleep out in the car. I kid you not, they've done this on vacations and other trips before. My SiL and I died laughing when we first heard that Chris Farley skit "I sleep in a van down by the river" it reminded us so much of our in-laws.
Oh yeah, I forgot, if they plan to stay for awhile, but know that you don't want them to, they will not tell you when they plan to leave. They suddenly act like they are free spirits who couldn't possibly plan a departure in advance. It does no good to say "we need to know," because they just counter with "do whatever you would do if we weren't here."
But, you know, it's hard to do the happy dance about your in-laws once again being 500 miles away when they are still sitting on your sofa!
October:
Oh my goodness!!! This sounds just like my mum and dad, except my mum is the destructive N, and my dad is the one who says she is 'just highly strung'.
And the reason I live just two miles from them is that I never have them to stay and I never have to stay at theirs!!!!!! No matter how late, no matter how bad the weather, I can always come home!!
So I am not sure what I would do if I were faced with a visit of two weeks. What a prospect!!! I can hardly bear it when they come for half an hour. Stoney silence from my mum, who can't act out here like she can elsewhere, and who falls asleep on purpose if I put films on telly that she doesn't like. Her way of saying she wants to go home is to yawn loudly and persistently.
So if this is the N way of saying 'time to leave' maybe you could try it. Lol!!! Yawn loudly. Go to bed early and leave them to it. Have prearranged evenings out with friends - sold out ticket events preferably.
Best of all is to say 'sorry it is not convenient', but I accept that for some Ns this is just not in their vocabulary.
I have a real problem with boundaries, as any ACON will. My brothers and my parents all treat my house as if they can come and go at will without ever checking that it is ok with me. If I am in, they think that is all that counts.
Not sure what else to suggest. I will see if anything occurs to me later. Good luck!!
Portia:
Hiya Violet. This is what I see:
--- Quote ---when I politely asked him to turn down his guitar since the night before my husband and I been in the ER all night miscarrying a child and we both needed an afternoon nap.
--- End quote ---
My goodness I’m angry on your behalf! You asked him? Where was your hubby? Couldn’t he have asked? Hey, you did the miscarrying (and I’m sorry you did, that’s a sad event), not your hubby. Your body. Everyone should have been looking after you, caring for you, worrying about you. You! Not hubby, Violet - you. Stuff everyone else.
--- Quote ---When he gets off the phone he tells me this and I start doing a little math. I tell him, it's not 5 days it's more like 12-13 days. He looks perplexed for a second then
--- End quote ---
It seems to me you’re taking (and being given?) all the responsibility for this. Does your hubby ask you if the visit is okay with you?
--- Quote ---what can I do to best ensure the most harmonious visit possible
--- End quote ---
why should you do anything?
--- Quote ---He says okay (why bother arguing anymore?), when do you plan to stay?
--- End quote ---
Maybe he should discuss with you first before agreeing?
On the other hand, if you want to take responsibility for dealing with this father-in-law, have you read this? Posted ages ago, sorry can’t remember who by, but kept in my store:
http://ceres.ca.gov/tcsf/pathways/chapter12.html#interacting
This is just my opinion, based on what you’ve said. Please take it or leave it :) P
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