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How to deal with a visit from an N

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Lizbeth as Guest:
There comes a time when you simply have to do what is necessary to get destructive people out of your life.  No way would I allow these people in my house, ever.  Recently we received a package and card from my husband's N mother.  She wants back into his life because he is doing well.  Coupled with a call from his father, on my hubby's private cell number (father got it from my hubby's half-sister).  Supposedly to wish him a happy birthday, but really fishing for freebies and what he could get from him.  Hubby didn't fall for it so we haven't had a call from father again.  Mother we took the bulls by the horn.  Wrapped her unopened present up in a box with a very official, curt message that he has told her not to contact him in th past and if she continued to disobey his wishes, he would consider it harrassment and would deal with it legally.  We have not heard from her since as well.  

I would deal with these people with letters before they show up and if they show up on the door step, I'd call the police, period.  Otherwise this will continue forever.  You cannot allow these people to victimize you further.  I know its hard to do, but you will be surprised how much power you take back when you do what must be done, finally.

Good luck.

Lizbeth

Lizbeth as Guest:
There comes a time when you simply have to do what is necessary to get destructive people out of your life.  No way would I allow these people in my house, ever.  Recently we received a package and card from my husband's N mother.  She wants back into his life because he is doing well.  Coupled with a call from his father, on my hubby's private cell number (father got it from my hubby's half-sister).  Supposedly to wish him a happy birthday, but really fishing for freebies and what he could get from him.  Hubby didn't fall for it so we haven't had a call from father again.  Mother we took the bulls by the horn.  Wrapped her unopened present up in a box with a very official, curt message that he has told her not to contact him in th past and if she continued to disobey his wishes, he would consider it harrassment and would deal with it legally.  We have not heard from her since as well.  

I would deal with these people with letters before they show up and if they show up on the door step, I'd call the police, period.  Otherwise this will continue forever.  You cannot allow these people to victimize you further.  I know its hard to do, but you will be surprised how much power you take back when you do what must be done, finally.

Good luck.

Lizbeth

Lizbeth:
Sorry, somehow I posted that twice, was not intentional.

Ellie:
Violet,
I respect and agree with all of the responses you have received. But I'd like to add that if you choose to set your boundaries, you must be prepared for whatever outcome may result.

I have not seen thus far a situation that resembles mine, so I feel I must warn you about worst case scenario. My N parents do not deal at all with being told "no" to anything. I recently took control back for my life and I have been completely ousted. From most of the responses I have read on this message board, most N parents will continue to pursue a relationship, and most readers would probably rather be in my situation.

But I stood my ground, set my limits, and cannot get a response from anyone in my family at all now. I have successfully shaken up the family 'balance' and I am not a living being in the family any longer. My parents will not answer the phone when I try to call.

The reason I have attempted to call them is that they use 'no-communication' as their form of punishment. Thus, the reason I found this message board. When I was young, they punished in any form they felt. But after I moved away, they use 'we will not talk to you until you change your ways' mode. They are just staying in control of me because they refuse to talk. They live 2000 miles away and have complete control over my siblings. So even though I feel I have taken control back for my life, it is only a fantasy that I cannot achieve. I can keep them from harassing us, but that's all. I cannot hear that I made any headway in completing my journey, because I am a nobody, I do not exist in my family anymore. I am dead to them. No one is allowed to speak of me.

So in a nutshell, be careful what you wish for. If you are not willing to take the worst case scenario yet, take it a little at a time until you are sure what you can handle.

Lizbeth:
This is very sage advice, but as you have also said, many people here on this board would envy your position as well.  You don't need people in your life, including family, who would discard you that way simply because your parents aren't allowed to run over you any longer.  Believe me, when they all realize you aren't waiting for them to contact you any longer, they will realize they have lost their power to control you (entire family in your case) and you will have the freedom to be the adult you want to be.




--- Quote from: Ellie ---Violet,
I respect and agree with all of the responses you have received. But I'd like to add that if you choose to set your boundaries, you must be prepared for whatever outcome may result.

I have not seen thus far a situation that resembles mine, so I feel I must warn you about worst case scenario. My N parents do not deal at all with being told "no" to anything. I recently took control back for my life and I have been completely ousted. From most of the responses I have read on this message board, most N parents will continue to pursue a relationship, and most readers would probably rather be in my situation.

But I stood my ground, set my limits, and cannot get a response from anyone in my family at all now. I have successfully shaken up the family 'balance' and I am not a living being in the family any longer. My parents will not answer the phone when I try to call.

The reason I have attempted to call them is that they use 'no-communication' as their form of punishment. Thus, the reason I found this message board. When I was young, they punished in any form they felt. But after I moved away, they use 'we will not talk to you until you change your ways' mode. They are just staying in control of me because they refuse to talk. They live 2000 miles away and have complete control over my siblings. So even though I feel I have taken control back for my life, it is only a fantasy that I cannot achieve. I can keep them from harassing us, but that's all. I cannot hear that I made any headway in completing my journey, because I am a nobody, I do not exist in my family anymore. I am dead to them. No one is allowed to speak of me.

So in a nutshell, be careful what you wish for. If you are not willing to take the worst case scenario yet, take it a little at a time until you are sure what you can handle.
--- End quote ---

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