A huge thank you to you all.
I still am struggling with writing my paper but think I have passed the crisis, well, sort of. I would love people's thoughts on this. I think every time I "act out" or lose my sense of my adult self it is not necessarily about what is actually happening. Yes, I am having great difficulty with writing my paper but I managed to write one before and hand it in on time. I know some of you mentioned lack of confidence, everyone goes through this etc and I do think what you all said is true. It is part of a process of writing something, forming and shaping it BUT I do not see it as a piece of work, it is as if my life depends on it. And here is the big stumbling block for me. I feel like I don't know the rules.
Not knowing the rules is what sets me into a spin. With Xn what were "normal" rules went out the door so I was always in a state of flux. The uncertainity and unpredictability nearly did my head in. This is what I felt about writing the essay. I was unsure of the rules. I have not got a mark back from my first paper yet so I do not know where I am doing ok and/or not. It is like being very lost and very very scared. I got lost in the city when I was four years old and I have never forgotten that. It is like reliving this also it has brought up more S!!! about XN. My anger, which seemed like it as in the dim and distant past, has resurfaced with a vengence. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY and want to act out. I am working with meditation because this seems to release me from my anger. When will it ever end.
I think the paper will get written but will the anger ever go away?
axa
