Do you smile too much?? Smiling too much due to N abuse and weakess of character

[James73]

Hey all havent posted in a while but thought this would be an interesting topic for everyone. So do you smile too much? I certainly do. I've realised in the past that I smile waaaay too much, often even when people were putting me down or even taking the michael out of me in a nasty way. Having dumped all N's out of my life I still smile inappropriately and find that I have to smile at anyone I meet. I smile at jokes I dont find funny, I smile at comedies on tv when I dont find them funny, its actually quite revealing of the fact that I don't know myself at all, am uncomfortable with myself and have been overly submissive to everyones needs but my own for too many years.  I've tried in the past to stop smiling and relax and thats when people have started treating me differently, with more respect for one thing. As with most things though its hard to keep up and I found I slipped back into my old negative ways and started smiling away like a cretinous buffoon. Not this time though Im going to attack my stupid smiling face and only smile when I genuinely feel happy, hah may be a while then,  , wow I really wanted to put a smiley face in then but I held back a put a nice boring non committal face in instead, take that smiley, one for the moody brigade!

I also think I smile too much due to N abuse causing me to be ultra submissive and due to my own past weakness of character also known as lack of balls  Note no smile.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/MentalHealth/messages/33569.html

http://www.marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2007/02/dont_smile_too_.html  - this is interesting although may have flaws.

So what do I feel I can achieve by not smiling all the time? I reckon I can significantly alter my submissive stressed personality into a healthy happy and contented one by not smiling. By not smiling I will significantly shift how everyone in my life and everyone I meet sees me and how they interact with me, thus making everyone around me more submissive and me more dominant. As I am so submissive in nature, not with everything, then this increased dominance should in theory make me a lot happier, relaxed and contented, making me less sympathetic to others and more unsympathetic which will directly effect my biological chemicals in my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system making me relaxed and happy.

Also I believe my smile is a mask that hides my true feelings, therefore if I dont smile my true feelings will come out and I can be true to myself and become more relaxed and then I can experience true happiness, this will take a few years but will be worth the effort in the long run.
Hope this will be a helpful topic to someone
Yours
James

[Ami]

Oh James,
  What a poignant thread. I understand---very much. Our goal is to find our own core(IMO). I think that this is what you are talking about---finding our voice.
 It is a hard journey from voicelessness(smiling too much) to having a voice(smiling when you have a smile ,on the inside)
 I wish there was a "pill" to take to "get there". The walk is hard---very hard. What is the alternative? That is the problem. The alternative is voicelessness.
  I have missed you, James. It is nice to hear a male voice.
  I hope that you will stay and share, in your own honest way. I like your voice, James, and I ,always, have.        Love   Ami

((((((((James))))))))))

[lighter]

Ummm......


::sigh::


Lack of balls..... I guess translates, in my mind, as lack of boundaries.


It's interesting to look at dominance and submissiveness in nature and apply that to ourselves.  Hadn't thought of that before. 

[Certain Hope]

Dear James,

It's very good to read you! (genuine smile >>>>  )

Your post strikes a note or a dozen with me. Come to think of it, during my life I have gone from    to to  to  to  to  (in phases) with a  in between each phase, as a sort of mile marker.   The or extremely somber phase pretty much covered my childhood. Just recently, I made a deliberate decision to smile at everyone I encounter... for no other reason than I felt like leaving that impression on them as I passed...
and it's been most effective!
But my entire mindset is different now... and I'm not trying to convince anyone that I'm calm, cool, and collected... just being myself.
So I think this is a very necessary phase through which you're moving... and quite positive... simply being more deliberate in your expressions and not being pulled along with some prehistoric flow.

Another thought - one of the hardest habits for me to break has been smiling at jokes which I really don't find amusing.

James, on that medforum link, the man (Kirk) who was questioning the doc said, re: his own mindset, behind the smiles,
"In my head
I have preconceived ideas about everyone. I don't see people wanting to get along, they want to compete in every endeavor."

Can you put your own thoughts into a sentence or two... as far as what might be coming through those smiles to others?

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Hi James,

This resonates with me;

one of the hardest habits for me to break has been smiling at jokes which I really don't find amusing

Which I used to do, quite simply, to be polite, in polite company, as taught to do, as a female.

Interesting thread, thank you. 

Leah

[James73]

Hey guys, yeh its an odd one, smiling when I dont think somethings funny sort of means I'm trying so hard to please others and want them to like me I think I have to laugh at jokes I dont find funny. I think I need to go into a cocoon for a few years while I change my personality, just find myself and ignore everyting else, man it just takes so long to acheive, slowly slowly catchy monkey is a phrase that comes to mind.

Carolyn you wrote:
Can you put your own thoughts into a sentence or two... as far as what might be coming through those smiles to others?

Here's what I think sometimes: be polite its the done thing, I want them to like me, I dont want to upset them if I dont laugh, is something wrong with me because I cant be relaxed and happy, will they think im being rude if I dont laugh? Why do I car so much what others think? Thats the main problem, still my non smile mission should help me get used to not making people happy and at ease so much so to my own detriment. Ive gotta piss people off I think, not on purpose, but just let go and react dont analyse. To try and find myself I need to just let go and do and say what I think is right. Still mental problems cannot be solved overnight, now wheres that monkey?! 

[Certain Hope]

Hugs, James... I hear you... that was my m.o., too, just as you wrote:

"Here's what I think sometimes: be polite its the done thing, I want them to like me, I dont want to upset them if I dont laugh, is something wrong with me because I cant be relaxed and happy, will they think im being rude if I dont laugh?"

It's so difficult to break out of that old remote-control mode. In fact, I practically did enter a cocoon, for several years, mostly staying home and tending to my family, with very little outside contact. Writing, especially here on this board, has helped alot to shake loose some old rubbish inside me... and developing my personal relationship with Jesus Christ - trusting Him has freed me up to not be so concerned about not trusting myself... whew, that was a biggie. After npd-ex, I didn't trust myself to be able to manage much of anything, let alone make any decisions.

But James, you're already getting out alot of old junk which hasn't served you very well. You are SO on the right track... and I know that you will make it through. I hope that you don't have to go into seclusion in order to make the changes... at least not disappear from here, for too long. I really appreciate you and wish you all the very best as you continue to grow and heal!

With love,
Carolyn

[Bella_French]

Holy cow, thats insightful James. Thanks for writing that.

I hadn't thought about smiling before, but i do smile a lot. people have given me compliments for my smile before, like when I leave a job or something, people will tend to say `I'll miss your lovely smile!!' or others will l say `I always feel good when you arrive because you seem so happy and smiley!'  Because I've always had a a positive response for that, I never questioned it further.

Just to side-track a little, James do you think having a submissive nature is `wrong'? Do you think it can be changed, or `should' be changed? And what about dominance? Should dominant-natured people change?

Just wondering what your thoughts are on this.

X bella

[Kimberli63]

This is a very interesting topic. I had this problem too, and probably still do to an extent. In my case, my sister and I had to spend time everyday sitting in front of the mirror smiling so I have thought about this quite a bit. Firstly, I believe that my mother found it necessary for us to be smiling because we were a projection of her and she wanted to present as being a happy, cheerful person., who was very likeable and very good mannered.  Secondly, by having children, who smiled all the time, how could it be possible that she was abusing us? Thirdly, it became a useful tool for us to use when we didn't want her to  see what we really felt. Of course, we didn't know that emotionally she was void and so she didn't empathise at all. Fourthly, other people do find it difficult to treat you seriously when you are smiling. Fifthly, I have used a smile when I genuinely feel uncomfortable or nervous. I, also use humour for this same purpose.

I have now started to try and show what I really feel rather than presenting an image of someone, who appears to be deliriously happy all the time. However, having said that, I do find that I feel better about myself when I smile, probably because I prefer hiding my true feelings for fear of being hurt again.

Kim

[write]

my ex told me off for being too cheerful just this week- said it is most irritating.
I told him so's his endless misery....

[James Guest]

Thanks guys for the support its much appreciated and I hope this thread has helped others too. As to peopel changing from being submissive to dominant or from dominant to submissive I dont think either is particularly wrong but I would say that I dont feel a really submissive or overly dominant person can be truly happy and contented, I think its a matter of balance as with all things, I imagine the perfect state of mind to be a line and a submissive nature is far below the line and dominant is far above the line, both need to aim for the line to be be more contented and happy and relaxed, that my view anyway 
James

[emptied]

I smile at everyone, all the time. The world at large thinks that I am happy all the time. If only they knew! This really is one to think about though. I don't want to be a grump, but I also don't want to be that person that is so perky they make you want to throw your coffee at them in the morning. (I am NOT a morning person) Anyway, thanks for the food for thought.

E

[Leah]

my ex told me off for being too cheerful just this week- said it is most irritating.
I told him so's his endless misery....

Well Done You!  Write

True, happy smiling people are not popular   

Miss Understood