How to deal with a visit from an N

[nassim]

Violet,

But doesn't your great husband realize that these people are crashing boundries with stealth missiles. They are using terrorist tactics. For goodness sake, woman......two weeks? Inviting themselves? What's wrong with the hotel idea. That isn't cutting them out, that's putting a boundry in place.

I really do need to know.

Nassim

[nassim]

Violet,

Actually, I changed my mind. I don't need to know. I've decided to "let go and let God" on this one.

Good luck to you anyway.

Nassim

[Anonymous]

When it comes right down to it, however, neither of us are ready to take that next step. Even I, as much as I've come to loathe my father in-law,  find the idea of cutting them off anathema.

These are two completely different things:

(1) Whether they can stay with you for two weeks.

(2) Cutting them off.


bunny

[les]

Violet - I think the passion on this thread is an indication how abused, people here perceive you to be.  

I can really see that you want to suck it in and pull up your britches as you say.  How about just pulling them up a wee bit  then?  Is compromise something you could entertain?  One week as opposed to two? We are all worried about you as you can see. You should read some of your earlier posts and remind yourself of the effects the "visitors" have on you. Good luck dear Violet.

Les

[Anonymous]

There have been times, especially early on in our marriage and only in the actual presence of his parents, that I felt like a second priority. We were able to talk about this however and came to a better understanding.
Since my husband doesn't participate in their weirdness and he is often mortified by their behavior, I don't really feel like he puts them above me or our marriage. In fact, I often think that - well, how to say this - that he reacts to them as if he were not their son, but their son in-law.

He never makes excuses for them and he never has. He usually says to me things like, "I'm sorry my parents are such freaks." I keep trying to break him of accepting blame and responsibility for them, but they taught him from an early age to do this and it is one tough habit to break.

In addition to their father's N antics, their mother did something different and which I consider deeply wrong. She encouraged the boys to take the blame for anything and everything, because their father was "too sensitive" to handle it.

Hi Violet --

You and your husband have realized that his father is N and his mother participates in her husband's sick behavior by not standing up for her sons. You have made progress in dealing with his parents, since, as you say, your husband does not make excuses for them to you, even though he was raised to do that.

When it comes right down to it, however, neither of us are ready to take that next step. Even I, as much as I've come to loathe my father in-law, find the idea of cutting them off anathema.

Part of the reason this is so, is because I have a really great marriage. I love the hell out of my husband, we're best friends, I love our life together. His parents are the one thing that drives me crazy and let's face it, even though they're awful, I'm also a whiner. I can pull on my big girl britches and deal with them.

Both of you are unwilling to take the necessary next step toward your own mental health and the health of your marriage, which is establishing reasonable boundaries for his parents' behavior. This is a step towards growing up, respecting each other and honoring your marriage.

Bunny is right -- standing up to them about their invasive behavior in arriving on your doorstep without being invited is not the same as cutting them off. It is simply making clear to them that you will not tolerate certain types of behavior. Yet when people on the board suggested it, you started backtracking, saying your FIL is not as bad as some Ns you've read about here, and blaming yourself for being a whiner. You also seem to be suggesting above that standing up to your H's parents will damage your marriage. Do you really think so? And if so, why? Do you think your husband would resent it if you pushed him to set boundaries for his parents?
 

I know you guys are right. It's just not easy. I'm non-confrontational by nature and upbringing. Even my father told me that this time around I needed to stop playing by the rules of game that N has never even heard of.

Fighting makes me feel ill. I just so much wish I did not have this person in my life. Life is hard enough without dealing with this guy's garbage.

Believe me, I know just how hard it is to stand up to family members. It's a scary road to go down, because if you haven't done it before you don't know how they will react. It's much easier to just go along and not rock the boat or cause a confrontation when you have been raised to be compliant. But you have a big advantage -- you both agree this is a bad situation, and you have each other as support. Would the two of you consider using this situation as an opportunity to take that next step?

I agree with the suggestion of others here: Tell your FIL and MIL very clearly, more than once (and keep a copy of your letters or e-mails) in advance that you are not able to have them stay with you, and then simply lock up the house and go to stay in a hotel during the time they are expected. If you have a neighbor you're on good terms with, you could tell them you're going away and say you'll call to check that the house is okay. If your FIL and MIL arrive and either camp on the lawn or try to break into the house, tell your neighbors to call the police. I suspect, however, that they will go away, because the whole point of the trip is to impose on you and your husband.  If you're not there, there's no reason for them to stay around.

Meanwhile, have you thought of seeking some counselling together?  A good counsellor could help both of you understand your feelings about the situation, and help you work out techniques for dealing with your H's family in the future.

I wish both of you the best of luck with this. It is a very hard thing to do, but I think it will bring you big rewards.

Morgan

[Lizbeth as Guest]

There comes a time when you simply have to do what is necessary to get destructive people out of your life.  No way would I allow these people in my house, ever.  Recently we received a package and card from my husband's N mother.  She wants back into his life because he is doing well.  Coupled with a call from his father, on my hubby's private cell number (father got it from my hubby's half-sister).  Supposedly to wish him a happy birthday, but really fishing for freebies and what he could get from him.  Hubby didn't fall for it so we haven't had a call from father again.  Mother we took the bulls by the horn.  Wrapped her unopened present up in a box with a very official, curt message that he has told her not to contact him in th past and if she continued to disobey his wishes, he would consider it harrassment and would deal with it legally.  We have not heard from her since as well.  

I would deal with these people with letters before they show up and if they show up on the door step, I'd call the police, period.  Otherwise this will continue forever.  You cannot allow these people to victimize you further.  I know its hard to do, but you will be surprised how much power you take back when you do what must be done, finally.

Good luck.

Lizbeth

[Lizbeth as Guest]

There comes a time when you simply have to do what is necessary to get destructive people out of your life.  No way would I allow these people in my house, ever.  Recently we received a package and card from my husband's N mother.  She wants back into his life because he is doing well.  Coupled with a call from his father, on my hubby's private cell number (father got it from my hubby's half-sister).  Supposedly to wish him a happy birthday, but really fishing for freebies and what he could get from him.  Hubby didn't fall for it so we haven't had a call from father again.  Mother we took the bulls by the horn.  Wrapped her unopened present up in a box with a very official, curt message that he has told her not to contact him in th past and if she continued to disobey his wishes, he would consider it harrassment and would deal with it legally.  We have not heard from her since as well.  

I would deal with these people with letters before they show up and if they show up on the door step, I'd call the police, period.  Otherwise this will continue forever.  You cannot allow these people to victimize you further.  I know its hard to do, but you will be surprised how much power you take back when you do what must be done, finally.

Good luck.

Lizbeth

[Lizbeth]

Sorry, somehow I posted that twice, was not intentional.

[Ellie]

Violet,
I respect and agree with all of the responses you have received. But I'd like to add that if you choose to set your boundaries, you must be prepared for whatever outcome may result.

I have not seen thus far a situation that resembles mine, so I feel I must warn you about worst case scenario. My N parents do not deal at all with being told "no" to anything. I recently took control back for my life and I have been completely ousted. From most of the responses I have read on this message board, most N parents will continue to pursue a relationship, and most readers would probably rather be in my situation.

But I stood my ground, set my limits, and cannot get a response from anyone in my family at all now. I have successfully shaken up the family 'balance' and I am not a living being in the family any longer. My parents will not answer the phone when I try to call.

The reason I have attempted to call them is that they use 'no-communication' as their form of punishment. Thus, the reason I found this message board. When I was young, they punished in any form they felt. But after I moved away, they use 'we will not talk to you until you change your ways' mode. They are just staying in control of me because they refuse to talk. They live 2000 miles away and have complete control over my siblings. So even though I feel I have taken control back for my life, it is only a fantasy that I cannot achieve. I can keep them from harassing us, but that's all. I cannot hear that I made any headway in completing my journey, because I am a nobody, I do not exist in my family anymore. I am dead to them. No one is allowed to speak of me.

So in a nutshell, be careful what you wish for. If you are not willing to take the worst case scenario yet, take it a little at a time until you are sure what you can handle.

[Lizbeth]

This is very sage advice, but as you have also said, many people here on this board would envy your position as well.  You don't need people in your life, including family, who would discard you that way simply because your parents aren't allowed to run over you any longer.  Believe me, when they all realize you aren't waiting for them to contact you any longer, they will realize they have lost their power to control you (entire family in your case) and you will have the freedom to be the adult you want to be.

Violet,
I respect and agree with all of the responses you have received. But I'd like to add that if you choose to set your boundaries, you must be prepared for whatever outcome may result.

I have not seen thus far a situation that resembles mine, so I feel I must warn you about worst case scenario. My N parents do not deal at all with being told "no" to anything. I recently took control back for my life and I have been completely ousted. From most of the responses I have read on this message board, most N parents will continue to pursue a relationship, and most readers would probably rather be in my situation.

But I stood my ground, set my limits, and cannot get a response from anyone in my family at all now. I have successfully shaken up the family 'balance' and I am not a living being in the family any longer. My parents will not answer the phone when I try to call.

The reason I have attempted to call them is that they use 'no-communication' as their form of punishment. Thus, the reason I found this message board. When I was young, they punished in any form they felt. But after I moved away, they use 'we will not talk to you until you change your ways' mode. They are just staying in control of me because they refuse to talk. They live 2000 miles away and have complete control over my siblings. So even though I feel I have taken control back for my life, it is only a fantasy that I cannot achieve. I can keep them from harassing us, but that's all. I cannot hear that I made any headway in completing my journey, because I am a nobody, I do not exist in my family anymore. I am dead to them. No one is allowed to speak of me.

So in a nutshell, be careful what you wish for. If you are not willing to take the worst case scenario yet, take it a little at a time until you are sure what you can handle.

[Anonymous]

So even though I feel I have taken control back for my life, it is only a fantasy that I cannot achieve. I can keep them from harassing us, but that's all. I cannot hear that I made any headway in completing my journey, because I am a nobody, I do not exist in my family anymore. I am dead to them. No one is allowed to speak of me.

Hi Ellie --

It sounds as though you thought that "completing your journey" meant getting your family to acknowledge that you were right to take a stand. I think most people on the board would agree that this is something Ns will never do.  I can't remember where I read what I thought was some very wise advice about confronting an N -- the advice was that you should not expect anything at all from the N -- no understanding, no acceptance of your feelings, no admission that your ideas have any validity at all -- because if you do, you will be disappointed. The only reason to do it is for your own reasons and satisfaction.

I am sorry that you have been cut off by your family, but it does not surprise me that they would not change.  I hope you are able to find satisfaction and completion in living your own life.

You are quite right that Violet may end up being rejected by her family if she and her husband stand up to them. However, from everything she has said, I think she would consider that a good outcome.

All the best,

Morgan

[Lilitu]

Hi, Violet,

Just another voice chiming in: I also think you have every right to tell them they can't stay in your house.  At all.  And you don't have to explain yourself or argue.  Just, "I'm sorry, you can't stay here.  We can't put you up."  So they might stay in their car instead?  Fine!  That's their choice.  Their problem.  Not yours.  As the line from the song goes: "Closing time.  You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

And yes, absolutely, close the door on them with their packages.  And if they start harassing you, banging on the door or whatnot, call the cops.  I'm serious.

I think what may have to happen here is that you may have to play "bad cop," since it sounds like your husband can't or won't stand up to them.  You can't make him do that, but you can stand up for yourself.  It's your house.  

And if your husband lets them in anyway?  You know what I'd do: take the kids and go to a motel myself until they decide to haul out of there.  

Since you say that their M.O. is to go on to the next source of N supply when one doesn't work out...well, hey!  They must have someone else they can bother.  Let them!

Good luck...

[bluskye6986]

maybe don't open thedoor to let them in.  go on vacation anyything but be therre when they come.