childhood memory

[Michelle]

Someone gave me the advice to allow myself to "live" in my memories that I occasionally have.  Most of my memories from growing up are negative ones, and my instinct is to usually push them away as soon as they occur.  I asked my therapist about "living" in them and she said she also strongly encouraged it - unless it brought pain that was too hard to bear.  Since she agreed with the advice, I had my first memory from childhood last week.  She said that I should let myself really feel the memory that I was having and try to remember as much about it as possible.  She said that it would be a great therapeutic exercise (if possible) to sit down at some point shortly after the memory (if I can't sit down immediately when I have the memory) and do the following:  
1.  close my eyes, breathe slowly and deeply and let myself get lost in the  memory.
2.  try to feel as many senses as possible within the memory (sight, smell, sound, touch, taste)
3.  after the memory is over, allow myself to feel as much of the feelings that I truly feel regarding that memory.
4.  write down the memory as detailed as possible in my journal.

I did this for the first time last week when I had a memory about my middle brother.  He was the most severely abused (physically & emotionally) in our family.  Here is the memory that I had about him:

Michael had done something and was running up the stairs trying to get away from moma.  I was sitting in the chair watching tv or playing Nintendo.  She was chasing him but he was faster than her.  When he got to the top step she grabbed him by the ankle.  She pulled him down the stairs and starting hitting him in the back and the back of the head with her balled up fists.  He tried to cover his head with his hands but she was already hitting him too hard.  She was yelling at him the whole time saying things like “you little son of a bitch, bastard, idiot, and stupid”.  He was yelling back at her saying things like “I hate you, stop, leave me alone”.  She hit him harder.  He finally cried and she stopped hitting him, threw him to the ground, turned around and went downstairs to her room.  He lay in a heap on the floor curled up like a baby and I could hear a soft little muffled cry.  I went to him and touched his leg, but he ran up to his room and slammed the door.  I sat on the floor and cried for a few minutes before returning to my chair.  About ten minutes later moma came back upstairs and asked “where’s Michael?”  I told her in his room.  She said “go ask him what he wants for dinner”.

When I was really in this memory I felt more scared and sad than I have ever felt in my life.  I sobbed and cried like I have never cried before.  I felt very confused and helpless and didn't understand why things were that way.  I had a totally different perspective than I usually have on things (from an adult perspective).  I actually felt like the "child" Michelle - it was very strange and scary.  I am so so sad for my brother.

Thanks for letting me share.  

Michelle

[Anonymous]

Michelle,
How truly painful!  Just reading your memory makes me shudder.  My counselor also suggests the value of going back to my memories.  she takes me through kind of a meditation and then asks me to saythings out loud to the people involved that I want to say or scream or whatever.  I have found this exercise exhausting but valuable.   I kind of felt like all the crab in my gut loosened up a bit.    She claims that often if we can go back we can unblock repressed memories and open new inroads.  How do you feel now that you've done it?  I truly admire you for going back to that.  It takes so much courage.  I would recommend perhaps that you journal about the experience and write down the things that you wanted to say to your Mom and your brother.  Perhaps some burden will be lifted.  Thank you for sharing such a peronal and tragic childhood event.  Give yourself lots of loving hugs today!   Cplummer  CSHF

[Anonymous]

Hi Michelle,

It sounds like you are being helped by your memories. I don't remember much from my past. I don't wish to remember. If I tried, I probably could do it. I have apologized to my younger brother for being mean to him when he was little. I was relieved when he said he didn't remember. But I think some parts of him did remember.

bunny

[Singer]

Michelle,

What a terrible memory, but I do respect your ability to go back and face it.

I went to him and touched his leg, but he ran up to his room and slammed the door.  I sat on the floor and cried for a few minutes before returning to my chair.  About ten minutes later moma came back upstairs and asked “where’s Michael?”  I told her in his room.  She said “go ask him what he wants for dinner”.

This part really stands out because that was how it worked in my family. The rule was that after the fact, the outburst was never mentioned. Everything returned to normal. Well not normal but business as usual. Made me feel like I was the crazy one and later when I did question things, I was emphatically assured (by Nmother)  that I was the crazy one.

But it rarely got physical in my family. I remember my mother hitting me over and over again once with my father’s belt. He wasn’t home at the time; I was about nine years old. The belt buckle raised purple welts all over the back of my legs and since it was summer and shorts weather, they were quite visible. I think it scared her and she never did it again. But I remember standing in the bathroom and looking in kind of a detached amazement at the perfect outline of the buckle against my legs and maybe feeling a little bit of satisfaction. It was visible and I could point to it; not like the verbal stuff that didn’t leave any evidence.

Truth is I don’t quite trust my memories, because they’re kind of like a trip down the rabbit hole. Nothing was ever quite what it seemed.

I am so so sad for my brother.

Have you talked things over with your brother? My sister and I were often at odds as children and teens. Actually, she was quite hostile to me    and later acknowleged the fact as an adult. But I had never held a grudge or felt that it was anything more than her right to assert herself as my big sister. I think we both got that each other was not the real problem.

Singer

[Dawning]

Michelle,  I SO admire and respect your perserverence in dealing with your mother and overcoming her negative influence so you can lead a healthy life for you and those around you.

I have been hit by my mother and aunt over the years and now, as I am bigger than they are, they are attempting to do it in other insidious ways but it still feels like being hit.  The feeling has stayed with me.  I wish I could let it go.  Yesterday - in the midst of my confusion over a man and my father issues - mom called.  In the morning.  "Why aren't you up yet?" was the first thing out of her mouth.  I was upset and didn't want to talk.  I told her I had to go to work in 15 minutes.  She said, "why are you doing this to me?"  I said that I wasn't doing anything and that I couldn't talk and she said, "yes, you are doing something and fine, I don't want to talk to you either."  We hung up on each other.  First time that has ever happened.  And the first time I didn't set aside my feelings to take care of her and call her back with an apology because, frankly, I felt like sh*t and had to deal with my own stuff before I could deal with hers.  I feel that if she can't use me, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me and I am fed up with her mentality (as is everyone else in the family for whatever reasons.)  There are probably heaps of childhood memories in me pointing to this sad truth.  It is like going to down "a rabbit hole" and I think having the guidance and support of a therapist and caring people in one's environment can be of great help.  Thank you again for sharing, Michelle, and for showing us your commitment to healing.  

<<<Hugs>>>

[Portia]

Michelle, thank you for posting, it’s encouraging (giving me courage) to read you, sounds like you have a great therapist! A witness to abuse is a victim of abuse yes?

I actually felt like the "child" Michelle - it was very strange and scary.

Mmm yes. I’m using the word scary a lot, and icky! What do you think of the idea/practice  of healing your inner child by being the adult you are now and reliving the memories – but as Big Michelle holding Little Michelle’s hand, telling her you’ll look after her and give her the love she didn’t have? Telling her it wasn’t her fault etc? I can see how this works…but it scares me, it’s so painful and I’m very wary of putting myself into that mental state without external help. It’s big stuff. Please continue letting us know how you get on Michelle and thank you. And hugs too.

Dawning, Dawning! From what you said above: there is no reason for you to apologise to your mother. No reason. How about:
Mother: “Why are you doing this to me?"
What P would like to say for Dawning: “Why does everything have to be about you??? How about asking Dawning how she feels today????”
I’d be very tempted not to answer the phone to her. Could you do that - emotionally and practically – do you have caller display/answerphone?

I feel that if she can't use me, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me

Me too. And if I don’t let her, I’ll know for sure that she doesn’t love me and that will be that. Admitting it is one thing, accepting it is another. Working towards acceptance here. *sigh* hang in there. P

[Michelle]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone -

CPlummer -

How do you feel now that you've done it?

 

Hmmm...that's a hard one and I'm working on trying to figure that one out completely.  I feel very exhausted as you said.  I feel very sad to truly look my (our - including my brother) childhood in the face and realize it was bad - maybe even worse - than I had accepted all these years.  It definitely brings about a reality check.  I also feel very sad for what could have been.  My therapist is teaching me to slowly reparent myself - to retrain my thoughts and actions into those that might have been shaped by healthy parents, had I had them.  When I used to feel those memories and I would repress them, I automatically felt mad as hell.  But (surprisingly for me) when I actually went back to the memory and relived it, then journaled it out, I felt more sad than anything.  And it's strange, because all the memories that have plagued me are not as big and scary to me anymore.  Almost like I've gone back to rescue the child michelle from all those years of being bullied by the memories.  Thanks for your support.  


Bunny -

I'm glad that your brother and you are on good terms now....that everything seems to be worked out.  I was occasionally mean to my brother (I admit to saying some of the names to him that I heard my mom say - another horrible realization for me) and have talked to him about that briefly.  I wrote an apology letter last year when I really started confronting all this garbage and he called me telling me that I had nothing to apologize for (kind of like your brother did for you) but I knew that wasn't true and just validated his abuse for him....I told him I was sorry he had to have that childhood and he deserved so much better.  That he was a great guy and that it wasn't his fault.  Then he changed the subject - he still is in major denial.


Singer -

But I remember standing in the bathroom and looking in kind of a detached amazement at the perfect outline of the buckle against my legs and maybe feeling a little bit of satisfaction. It was visible and I could point to it; not like the verbal stuff that didn’t leave any evidence.

That was so sad when I read that.  That a little child would NEED physical confirmation of their abuse to know that it actually happened.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  The crazymaking is so thick in the house that you feel like you are the crazy one.  Sometimes I even wondered if what just happened really happened or whether I made it up in my brain.  That's how my mom made us feel.  

Have you talked things over with your brother?

I answered that up in the reply to Bunny just now.

I think we both got that each other was not the real problem.

I agree - that was how we were too.  Even now, he acknowledges that moma is crazy but in the next breath he says "She hasn't changed, you have, why can't you just accept her as being that way - she'll never change".  

To which I reply that I have come to the point in my life that I cannot accept that as fact anymore.  The way she treats people is like her garbage.  She uses you until your not "acceptable" then throws you away.  I cannot live that way.  I also have made it clear to him that he has a choice just like I do.  It's hard though, because he still lives near her and I understand how he feels - when your immersed in her, it truly feels like you don't have a choice.


Dawning -

We hung up on each other. First time that has ever happened. And the first time I didn't set aside my feelings to take care of her and call her back with an apology because, frankly, I felt like sh*t and had to deal with my own stuff before I could deal with hers.

Good for you, Dawning!  That's a great step that you took and a HUGE one!  I'm proud of you for doing that.  It feels weird though doesn't it.  I'm sorry to hear about the physical abuse by your mom and aunt when you were younger.  You are so so right about that turning into another form of abuse later to "replace" the abuse that they "can't" give to us anymore.  It feels exactly the same and I almost feel like I have been "liberated" from a dictator by making these changes.  My blood pressure has even gone down.  Now is that a sign or what?  


Portia -

(First, nice to see you here for a moment - I enjoy it when you wander over and speak your voice here   )

A witness to abuse is a victim of abuse yes?

Very wisely said and very correct.  There were 3 siblings and the older 2 (myself and my middle brother) were abused the most severely.  Me - emotionally and sexually; my brother - verbally and physically.  I'm sure he is just as scarred from my abuse (that he knows about anyway) as I am from his.  Good point.

What do you think of the idea/practice of healing your inner child by being the adult you are now and reliving the memories – but as Big Michelle holding Little Michelle’s hand, telling her you’ll look after her and give her the love she didn’t have? Telling her it wasn’t her fault etc?

It's very scary for me because I have pretty much blocked out all of those feelings that I had as a child.  I wasn't allowed to feel anything other than "loyalty, love, honor, respect, admiration, blah blah blah" for my mother.  Now that I am allowing myself to feel how I "really" felt inside, it's like opening a beautiful fine chocolate bar that was hidden in your dresser that you didn't realize was there.  ha ha.  I'm obviously a chocolate lover.   Like I said somewhere else, my therapist is teaching me to retrain myself - I am actually learning why I do some of the things I do (habits, beliefs, etc) and that some of them are unhealthy behaviors for me.  She is showing me how to reparent myself and learn to love my child Michelle.  It's hard and painful, but so far has been very rewarding and eye opening.  


Hugs to all - thanks for being there to fall back on in my hard moments.

Love, Michelle