On being nothing

[axa]

Dear Carolyn

You make a lot of sense, do you know that LOL.. I think Shunned hit the nail on the head.  I think I did experience some kind of void and what was very scary was that I started have having some flashbacks concerning the "grooming" phase where XN was so "nice".  I think this created dreadful confusion in me and that was where the panic and anxiety stemmed from.  I went back to doubting my own thruth.  Reading the article that Leah cited on Evil hit me like a bolt.  I have met evil.  I have lived with evil and I guess like the rest of the world I was, in some way, trying to deny it to myself - unconsciously.  I began to question so much.  Thankfully, having read the article I am grounded in reality once more and feel normal again.  I will continue working with the stillness because I KNOW that there is where my authentic voice will emerge from.

With deep gratitude

xxxxx

axa

[Leah]

Dear Axa,

Being still ............. yes, that does it for me too.

and slotting in a little bit of fun time for yourself ....... your jogging don't sound like fun to me, but you enjoy it!   

starting to go cycling again is to be my slot of fun time (when the weather is kinder as I am a softie!) thanks to your 'ringing a bell' thread, for which I am so thankful.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Dear Carolyn

You make a lot of sense, do you know that LOL..   

LOL     Oh, my word, Axa... now there's something I've not heard too often in my life... lol
Thank you!  I will treasure those sweet words always!  Honestly, you've made my day and I'm grinning over here, looking silly.

I think Shunned hit the nail on the head.  I think I did experience some kind of void and what was very scary was that I started have having some flashbacks concerning the "grooming" phase where XN was so "nice". 

Yes, I agree... and I can relate.
I've often felt like I had too many people in my head... husbands, actually - past and present... and when I'm tired/ upset/ hormonal/ all of the preceding... I tend to slide into a mode of comparison: well, this one was such and such, but at least that one did (whatever), and then the "if onlys" start knocking on the door... and Wow - look out. It's like internal combustion of the brain with all the confusion and distraction and self-doubt. I surely do understand.

Routine helps me to stay grounded, I know... as does my time spent in prayer and Bible study. It's when I begin contemplating feelings (which is still a very necessary work in my life, since I'd been numb to them for so long) that things begin to go haywire... so in that arena, I really do need to slow my pace and practice stillness. And fill the non-routine times with more Fun Stuff!!! Great plan

Love to you,
Carolyn