On being nothing

[axa]

I have been here before, have been posting with Leah about this but wanted to open a thread for this topic.

It is over a year since XN and I have made great changes and growth in my life.  In the past week I have been assaulted by flashbacks.  It seems like out of the blue I remember something "good" about our relationship and then I remember the truth.  I was nothing to him and his daughter.  I am still processing this.  I am still shocked that they were so fake and I was absolutly nothing or even less than nothing to them.  This all takes only a matter of seconds but it feels like being savagely attacked. 

I know this process takes a long time to recover from but I am so surprised by the intensity and terror I am experiencing from these events.  God forbid I even had a thought "maybe he was not that bad".............don't worry that did not last long but where is all this stuff coming from.  I am so sick of it.  I want my peace back.

I know I have been thinking a little about what I will do after I finish my Masters and the uncertainity of that may have triggered something.....dunno.

Could do with some insight and support around this.......feeling fragile.

axa

[emptied]

Hi sweet one,
     I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I guess that I wanted to give you a bit of hope that this means progress. I think there are times that our mind just doesn't let us process painful things once we get to the breaking point. As we get better and more able to deal with things, I think our mind allows us to "remember" a few things and process them when they won't break us. I know that this is very scary and hurtful, but maybe you are getting the opportunity to come to a new understanding with the new knowledge that you have gained here? I hope that is the case. Just remember when it happens to stand back away from your emotions and simply observe how your body responds-how it makes you feel. There is so much power in that, as silly as it sounds. To simply observe the parts of your body that are tense, the way your breathing changes, how your stomach feels, I guess it puts you back in control in a weird way without denying the event, as denial isn't ever healthy. ((((((HUGS)))))

E

[Overcomer]

Wow!  Those posts are what this board is all about!  I wanted to cry!  I have been divorced for 11 years and now my ex and I are "friends."  But I remember when he tossed me aside.  I had a two month old baby and a  4 year old.  He left me for another women.  He told me he was not attracted to me AT ALL! (This after my parents had just put us both through an expensive private college-paid for his education and then he left me.)   I felt like nothing.  But then I realized it was HE that was nothi

[Ami]

Dear Emptied,
 That was so profound. Thank you !                         Ami
 

[emptied]

I don't know about profound, but I don't want to simply take and believe me, I have been given more here in 48 hours than in many, many years of life. Hugs!

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  Last night, I just sobbed. I was praying that I would heal,if I just let myself FEEL the feelings. Today, I feel a little more whole. I can see the truth of life, a little better.
 I think that our minds and bodies WANT to heal, as a plant will seek the sunlight.
 I think that if we give ourselves the ingredients to heal, we will heal. I think that love will heal us. God can send us people or we can go to God ,directly.
 I think that love is the number one healer. Then, honesty is second--facing all the pain and ugliness of ourselves and our life ,without turning away. This is hard and can only be done little by little(IME)
  I think that we need  a place and people where we can be honest, too.
 I think that you are facing the painful things. They are coming up SO that you can face them and heal(IMO)     Love   Ami


(((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((((((Dear Axa))))))))))))))) If  there's one thing I'm learning, it's that it's alright to feel fragile.
Unsettling as it is, that sense of neediness just continues to draw me closer to God.
I know that He is not tormenting me with old rubbish...  but I also know that He is faithful to work the tricks of the tormentor out to good as I steady myself on Him, the solid Rock. I hope you don't mind this bit of spiritual talk, Axa... it's all I have.
After many years, I still have two mens' nonsense in my head... on top of family garbage... and another husband now... and then the comparisons begin and I can really make myself ill with it all.

I've found that I must absolutely put my foot down - stomp it, if necessary - and pitch a little hissy fit against myself and say,
That's enough, now! No more of this. Today is a new day and I will not allow this crud to color my world now.
Axa, I think what makes it even more difficult is dreading the next time it may come up...
and so the old phrase must be applied - one day at a time. These thoughts are just as difficult to break as any addiction, but our minds can be retrained and then they will have a new pattern for dealing with old feeling-ruts.

So much love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

These thoughts are just as difficult to break as any addiction, but our minds can be retrained and then they will have a new pattern for dealing with old feeling-ruts.
[/quote]


I think that our thoughts ARE addictions, in a sense.  I am not exactly even sure how the process works, but I know that you are on to s/thing, Carolyn.
  If anyone could elaborate on this, I would appreciate it.  Thanks so much for any help.                  Ami

 

[axa]

Thank you so much.  Lots of tears today.  I feel afraid and very very small I do think it is important to acknowledge it but also I do not want to get back into the addiction stuff. 

CH - I always find your "spiritual talk" so respectful and I thank you for it.  I welcome prayers of any sort, believe me. I have two prayers that I cling to The serenity prayer because it makes such sense - I see it as the anti control prayer!!! and a quote "Be still and know that I am" because I know this is the truth.

Emptied thank you so much.  It is those feelings of powerlessness that come up again for me.  Also its coming up to my daughter's birthday.  She would be 21 and I miss her so much.  I think it is the aloneness I am really feeling, guess XN filled some of the space for a while in a negative way.  Maybe this is a combination of grieving and ptsd I dont know, just know it is dammed hard right now.

Thank you all for responding.........just hanging on in today.

axa

[gratitude28]

Dear axa,

It's funny that you brought this up, I have also been reliving a lot of moments which were painful to me - new memories and old ones. I was thinking of also posting this same topic. I wonder if it is post-holiday ruminations... this quiet January time that makes all this come back. This has never been my favorite time of the year.

My memories have to do with being a kid... and being punished for what should have been understood or delved into by a caring parent. I know that I am different with my children, but it doesn't take away the irritation that my mother was so self-centered that I was blamed for any emotion, fear or sickness I had as a child.

((((((((((((Axa)))))))))

Hang in there. I really think it's January blues and we will feel stronger soon.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  As I let go of 'false pain"(my M), I can see "real " pain,if that makes sense. IOW, I am seeing the pain of the human condition, not just my OWN NM pain.
  Saturday, when I was in the worship service, I felt my own aloneness. I realized that I tried to keep myself "not alone" by keeping my M close(in my mind).
  She was never really there,but she was ,in the sense, that she was in my thoughts ALL the time. As she leaves, I see that we, as humans, always feel alone and that we yearn to fill the aloneness. Maybe, we never can. There are so many sad things about life.Maybe, this is one of them.
  Axa, I think that you may be feeling life angst,right now.
  I think that lfe angst is a step up for me b/c I was so tied in to my M that I only felt angst from her,not from reality. I hope that makes sense. Maybe it just does to me(lol)          Love   Ami

[lighter]

Axa..... I think the reality of someone preying on us..... bc it's what they do... not even personal....

s hard to keep straight and filed away properly.

That reality dulls over time.... then pops back up with the intensity of the first time we realized what we were dealing with.

It's fresh and painful and frightening...... inhuman.... alien.... foriegn.... we can't make sense it. 

I don't think we should try.

Being touched by that kind of energy doesn't ever get less scary..... you just internalize it enough, that you're less shocked by it as time goes by.

Stay focused on where you're going.... not where you've been. (((Axa)))

::sending you strength and hope::

This too, shall pass.

[axa]

Shunned,

Thank you I will take your advice.  What you said makes sense to me..........feeling very vulnerable will get my act together and try and bring some fun into my life.  Everything is very serious, lots of study, lectures etc I think I really need some fun and lightness, that has been missing.  I hope this will pass soon and I will be back on track.  Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.

Axa

[teartracks]

Dear axa,

Sometimes there seems so little to say that will comfort.  I hope it helps to know that I read your posts and understand the gut wrenching pain that slips up without warning.

PTSD rings a bell here too.  CB mentioned it.  Are you seeing a therapist or counselor.  It can be successfully nipped in the bud sometimes. 

tt

[Certain Hope]

Axa - something from my current experience is that as we heal, we finally have a void, a space where all the pain, confusion, and suffering used to be.

Nature abhors a void... so our minds fill it with things - memories, flashbacks, etc for what I call "further processing". Stress also brings these up... but it sounds like you might consider filling your life with current interests, feelings, and of course planning for what to do after your degree and that will push the old stuff out of the way. (my fingers are crossed that this is true!)

Dear Amber,

That absolutely makes so much sense!  Personally, I would love to have a mental shredder for those files which I've determined need NO further processing!!  *sigh*  ((((((Amber)))))))

(((((((Axa))))))) Thank you so much for your kind words to me. You have such a very sweet nature... which is a blessing to all of us, and yet, sadly, is opening you to such suffering, I know. Dear Axa, I had grown so hardened and cold at one point that I could not feel much at all of what I really needed to "feel through"... if that makes sense. You are feeling through it all... and will come out on the other side. You are not stuck, I am certain. Being still takes so much practice... I will let you know if I ever - no, when I am able to maintain that stillness. And if you get there first, oh, what a day of celebration that will be!

Love to you,
Carolyn