I saw them the other day...

[Nic]

I wonder if any of you have had moments like this.
The scene
My parents live right next door to me and we haven't spoken for almost two years now.  We only see each other through windows.  They avoid us and we avoid them.  They have involved lawyers to sell our commonly owned property and since then we have not felt at all inclined to interact with them in any way.

OK..now.  Saturday, my wife and I were food shopping. As we walked into the store I saw my father was sitting on a chair speaking to another woman.  My mother was shopping inside the food store.
When I first saw my father, my heart began to race.  What was I feeling I asked myself?  Hate? Fear of being punished?  feeling like I was doing something wrong?  Honestly I have to answer I was feeling all of the above.  This was not a planned event, I was caught off guard, I literally bumped into them.
I walked past my father, as he was talking to this woman, his eyes met mine.  I looked him up and down..the WASP look as I like to tell my wife.  Sort of a snotty, you disgust me then look away look.  I couldn't help myself, I felt I needed to communicate to him that he was not going to hurt me anymore and that I'd had enough.  I also wanted him to know that I was tired of him, of this scene and situation.
His reaction was immediate.  He totally ignored the woman he had been conversing with ( i hate that faux charming stance he takes when he talks with strangers, designed to make himself look caring and generous) and began calling out to me with my childhood " nickname"...I veered right and went through the turnstyle at record speed with my  wife in tow..I could still hear him calling out to me as I manoeuvered the shopping cart through the store.  I was embarrassed and my wife was incredulous.
And so we shopped..THEN, as fate would have it I pulled up to the cashier, right in front of me was my mother!!! I thought i'd pass out right then and there!  I thought God what is the meaning of this?  Just as I was about to run away..the cashier put up her " next cash please" sign up and I nearly jumped over her to get to the other register.
Meanwhile, my wife's and my mother's eyes met briefly.  My wife, who is a true WASP gave her " the look", up and down and you disgust me look.
In the car my wife related her experience to me, she said my mom looked as if she might be sorry she has gone so far.
I was almost happy to hear that because deep in my heart I have a glimmer of hope that things will miraculously work out.  That's the child's magical thinking part of me.  I know they won't, that is not like that.
I loathed myself for reacting like that.
On the way out to the car, I had to cross my father again, who was conversing with yet someone else ..he began calling out to me as I walked by with my wife.  I didn't know what to do..I was torn, embarrassed, uncomfortable beyond the possible.  This time he was calling out to me in a patronising "long time no see buddy" and " are you still ignoring me you baby" way.  
I was not proud of my reaction but I couldn't do otherwise at the time.  Usually i can improvise but not when faced with the N parents.  I stared at the ceiling, and made believe I was hearing voices I didn't recognize.  And all the while, out of the corner of my eye I could see my father laughing at me...I felt like he had won again, like I had made a fool of myself.

Minutes after we got home, they came home..and they continue to ignore us and we continue to avoid them.  It was all a put on on his part, just like when we were kids..He played the all powerful, I'm normal role to his audience and when he got home he ignored me and didn't give a damn.
Any thoughts out there?  To me it was a confirmation that he/they are basically two faced.  One face to the public and another one for behind closed doors.
It was awful, I hope I never run into them again..but if I do..what should I do..i'm so easily overcome by all these turbulent thoughts and physical reactions when they ( my parents) physically manifest themselves..

Should I be laughing at this?
Kind regards,
Nic

[CC]

Dear Nic:

I am dumbfounded by your post.  You articulated your scenario so well that I felt every emotion you felt as you were describing it.

Unfortunately I lack the ability to eloquently say on paper the right words to comfort you - except that to expect "should I be laughing at this" is absolutely out of the question. What you experienced must have been excruciating.

I have experienced this discomfort with my N sister, but on a lesser scale; because she now lives in another state and my contact with her is few and far between - and usually buffered by my N mother. However, it is still painful as I never know exactly what to say or do when I am around her.  I'm obligated to be around her only one holiday a year and yet I shake, shiver and get queasy just approaching my mother's house when she is there.  We have been estranged for about 5 years, and yet I am faced with the obligation of small talk. I thought it would get easier as time went on - but in fact, I think its more difficult.  I break out in hives on my chest, and feel like I am going to explode with discomfort.  

take comfort that your wife is sympathetic to this.  My husband says things like "just relax, why do you allow her to make you feel this way" - when he says things like this I visualize asking a two year old to remove the chocolate from their mouth that they already started chewing.  Like that's going to work!!  

I wish I knew what to say Nic, except that someday, we will be able to find some level of peace with this.  I haven't found it yet, but you can bet if I do, its going to be shared with everyone on this board.  It must really be hard living next door to them.  

So sorry you had to deal with that.  Hugs.

[alison]

Nic,
 You are not alone. My daughter lives in half of a duplex occupied on the other side by her N Sister in Law - the N parents live on the next street. None of them have spoken since the wedding which the N inlaws spoiled by makeing an ugly scene at the rehersal dinner, leaveing my daughter in tears just hours before her wedding and their son stunned and distraught. How's that for a Narcicistic performance? Now with a baby due in a couple of months to the couple there have been attempts at peace makeing by the daughter in law married to the groom's son. Did I mention that they all came to the wedding but gave NO gifts to the couple?
  The child of the brother is haveing a birthday party in September and the couple will go to it, because they do not think the child should be punished for the father, the aunt and parents behavior. I know how difficult this is going to be as they anticipate the event.
  I also know how hard this is for you, expecially since they are your own parents. But N people do not change and do everything to serve thier Own purposes. You are right to protect yourself from further hurt and it is understandable that you have a secret wish for things to be magically resolved an ok again. Unfortunately N's do not apologise or accept responsibility for their own actions - somehow it is always justified and someone else's fault. I know how you must feel, but under the circumstances to have acted as if nothing was wrong would have been to deny your own feelings. I feel very sorry that this has been your experience - just know that you are not alone and there are others in the same crazy situations as you find yourself in.