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social fatigue

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mighty mouse:
I'm not sure if it has anything to do with N or alcoholic parents

After having said that, I want to acknowledge I have nothing to back that up. That is just my wondering out loud on the board. I remember always being at my Mother's service....make me a cup of tea (this 10 times a day) and always being burdened with a lot of household duties and dealing with my younger sibs. So maybe it IS fatigue. Does your beauty queen Mom still drink?

MM

kelly8893:
This topic is very interesting since I have been struggling with "the wiggling" thing myself. I caught myself on many occasions do this with my very own family and best friends!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just noticed one day about a month ago that when I committed to doing something "social" I would or have almost always tried to get out of it. I am not sure why I noticed it. I have many friends and my family loves me and my kids dearly. I have a new job and most of the people if not all of my co-workers like me and want to be social and we always sit together or walk on our lunch hour. I would'nt call myself an extrovert, by nature I am very shy. But life has made it so that I have to be social in almost every aspect of my life. I am a people person and I love to help people ( within limits these days) but I need my alone time just as much.  I believe tiredness has something to do with it because I come from a family where my dad was gone alot and my mom has manic depression with schophenia. We didn't do anything the first 15 years of my life because my mom was afraid to leave the house ( she had alot of problems and me being the oldest I got to play mom to younger sibilings and do the things she couldn't do because of her "condition") I have also gotten divorced (we were married 17 years) from a man that is alcoholic to the core and I recently gotten out of a long term relationship with an N. So as I find this topic interesting, I also find myself perplexed at myself for feeling wrong about the way I feel about "get togethers" and parties and barbeques! I am not sure if it is wrong or I am feeling an emotion I am not sure how to identify? Anyway thanks for letting me vent, Any thoughts? Have a great rest of the week!!! kelly

Anonymous:
kelly,

Since you're a likable person, you're invited to social functions. It doesn't follow, however, that you want to attend the functions. It doesn't mean you hate or reject these friends. You simply don't want to socialize: you're tired, need to refuel, feel oppressed by the idea, etc. That's okay. If these people really like you, they'll understand. I turn down nearly every invitation and no one dies from it. Well, they may stop inviting me at some point. But I can always reverse that situation if I want to.

bunny

Jaded911:
Hi les,

I have some thoughts that popped into my mind when I read your post.  I completely understand why you would feel the way you do.  You were brought up in a house with not just one parent that was dysfunctional; you had both of them that were missing some pieces of their mentoring puzzle.

How many times did you get all excited over a social event only to have your excitement snuffed out by something they did or something they said to you during or after the event?  I would venture to guess that they picked you apart over the way you acted in front of someone or the way you spoke to someone.  They probably critiqued your every move while neglecting to accept responsibility for their own actions or words that might have been said to someone at the social event.

This would make anyone gun shy to socialize.  Perhaps you are worried that your guests are going to critique your every move just like your parents did?  Les, this is probably the way a lot of people think about social events whether they are hosting the event or attending it.  I personally always wonder if the food is going to be good, am I going to wear something that looks right, are the people going to have a good time, …….etc.  Ya know what Les; it took me many years to get it in my head that not everyone has the time or the energy to worry about what I fix for dinner, what I wear, and what I say.  Not everyone is going to have negative feedback when it comes to my hosting skills and if they do, I finally realized that all I needed to do is scratch that person off of the next guest list.  If these people have enough time to worry about what I do or don’t do right, then FUG UM, they need not come back for the next one.

If you stop and think about it, it is very understandable why some people would chose to avoid a situation in fear of feeling rejection.  Especially if their past experiences have been full of disappointments.  Just the fact that you are invited to events leads me to believe that these people enjoy your company and they feel you are worthy to be apart of their social group.  

I have had people over and burnt things, I have had people over and not been ready when they get there, I have had a few people over and not been in a hosting mood, but you know what, true friends understand that chit happens.  These are the people who are worthy of being my friends.  Anyone who has horrible things to say about everyone or everything, those are the people that I try to avoid.

I personally feel that maybe you are scared of having horrible experiences like you had in your childhood.  The great thing about being an adult is that you have total control over your life.  You can chose whom you have to be around and you can spin your ars around and walk away from those who continue to make you feel like crap about yourself.

Les, cook your little heart out, invite over FRIENDS, slap on a party outfit, and sit back and enjoy.  If perhaps you have a bad experience at an event, realize that you have the next one and another one after that.  Not everyone is perfect and in fact I have never met a perfect person in my entire life.  If you just sit back and look around when you go to someone else’s house, maybe it will help you realize that they too have things that were not perfect.  It is what you do with their imperfections that show what kind of person you are.  You will see them, that’s a given because nobody can please everyone all of the time.  Keeping your comments to yourself or to your significant other is the appropriate thing to do and if by chance you experience someone that blabs their mouths about your imperfections, then you know the only way to solve that is to keep those people at arms length.

Friends and worthy loved ones understand and accept our imperfections.  Foes search for our imperfections to make themselves feel like they are above us.  Me personally, I would much rather have 2 good friends then to have 126 whining jerks who profess to be friends.  My gosh, it took me many attempts at friendships to realize that if you use all of your emotional energy on your acquaintances, you have none left for yourself.  Friends and acquaintances rank differently in my life.  I am civil to all if all are civil to me.  If someone sits around and picks me apart then I pick to kick them out of my world.  I have not the time or the emotional energy to waste on people who behave like that.

Party down Les, you obviously have earned your title as a friend to these people.  If they did not like you, I am sure they wouldn’t invite you nor attend your invites.  You have earned your title as a friend despite your parents attempts to make you believe that you were only worthy of being a foe.  

Sincerely,
Jaded

les:
Oh you guys, you wonderful, wise guys.  I am beat at the moment (spent last day teaching, in the park, making pizza, playing frizbee, and generally "hosting" an event for 40 adults and their children. I am bushed and literally voiceless at the moment!

Much to think about - off the top - Jaded - What you said made me really STOP and think about what criticisms I am expecting will be hurled my way or whispered on the way home...and I realized very few of these people that  I MIGHT invite over would be like that. So where is this negativity and fear coming from? Aha! It's in me of course, that bloody editor sitting on my shoulder telling me I'm not cutting the onions correctly and so forth.  WHo the F cares! Me, I suppose but I'm stumped because I don't know what IS RIGHT. And then I remember there is no ONE RIGHT WAY. Note to self: must read more books on imperfection. The problem for me I think is not that I need to be perfect, I just need to be middling to fair. Not a total moron - I'd settle for that. I literally couldn't scratch myself, wash a plate, sweep the floor without instructions from HER on HOW to do it correctly, even now, even now.   Must have had an effect. I think I need to acknowledge just how much it did, move on and trust myself a bit more.

I wonder, since hosting a gathering is such HIGH ART  these days if a lot of people, ACON or not aren't a bit intimidated.

Kelly - you make me think about how we learn about being social or not in our childhood. OR maybe I should say learn to be at ease with lots of people coming and going...or not.  What a time for you growing up, my god. Reading your post I realize that emotionally, we need time to rest and  rebuild. We can't always be putting out. What would you do just for yourself I wonder?  My husband's mother was Manic depressive, took lots and lots of naps and retreats to the local psychiatric hospital. So his house was very quiet. He doesn't like to entertain either but is well liked.- big difference really.

I too have a social "isolate" daughter I believe you said Seeker. I have worried terribly about her because she was quite agoraphobic for awhile but thankfully at almost 25 is out in the world and managing.  Like her parents she avoids parties and is quite content alone.  She got a double dose of quiet/shy genes from us I guess.

MM - thanks for keeping track of me! I voiced this before?  If it's a week old it seems everything in my life is new again! I figure it will save on book purchases and trips to the library. Just keep recycling 3 or 4 good books! Ok, back to the topic, fellow wiggler. You, as always, make some interesting points. Yes, why should "shyness" or reclusiveness be judged selfish. Good question.  For me, time and peacefullness allow me to open and more fully connect and appreciate this extraordinary thing we are doing here, living on Earth. I revel in time to contemplate...ah, that golden afternoon sunlight again. What an interesting thought - that extoverts have certain gross motor skills, introverts perhaps more fine motor -(inner voice saying geeze, I didn't get either) Left handed INFP!  LHINFP.

Bless you Bunny - "I'm sort of a hermit and like it that way." Well if it's good enough for Bunny it's good enough for me!

Les

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