Hi les,
I have some thoughts that popped into my mind when I read your post. I completely understand why you would feel the way you do. You were brought up in a house with not just one parent that was dysfunctional; you had both of them that were missing some pieces of their mentoring puzzle.
How many times did you get all excited over a social event only to have your excitement snuffed out by something they did or something they said to you during or after the event? I would venture to guess that they picked you apart over the way you acted in front of someone or the way you spoke to someone. They probably critiqued your every move while neglecting to accept responsibility for their own actions or words that might have been said to someone at the social event.
This would make anyone gun shy to socialize. Perhaps you are worried that your guests are going to critique your every move just like your parents did? Les, this is probably the way a lot of people think about social events whether they are hosting the event or attending it. I personally always wonder if the food is going to be good, am I going to wear something that looks right, are the people going to have a good time, …….etc. Ya know what Les; it took me many years to get it in my head that not everyone has the time or the energy to worry about what I fix for dinner, what I wear, and what I say. Not everyone is going to have negative feedback when it comes to my hosting skills and if they do, I finally realized that all I needed to do is scratch that person off of the next guest list. If these people have enough time to worry about what I do or don’t do right, then FUG UM, they need not come back for the next one.
If you stop and think about it, it is very understandable why some people would chose to avoid a situation in fear of feeling rejection. Especially if their past experiences have been full of disappointments. Just the fact that you are invited to events leads me to believe that these people enjoy your company and they feel you are worthy to be apart of their social group.
I have had people over and burnt things, I have had people over and not been ready when they get there, I have had a few people over and not been in a hosting mood, but you know what, true friends understand that chit happens. These are the people who are worthy of being my friends. Anyone who has horrible things to say about everyone or everything, those are the people that I try to avoid.
I personally feel that maybe you are scared of having horrible experiences like you had in your childhood. The great thing about being an adult is that you have total control over your life. You can chose whom you have to be around and you can spin your ars around and walk away from those who continue to make you feel like crap about yourself.
Les, cook your little heart out, invite over FRIENDS, slap on a party outfit, and sit back and enjoy. If perhaps you have a bad experience at an event, realize that you have the next one and another one after that. Not everyone is perfect and in fact I have never met a perfect person in my entire life. If you just sit back and look around when you go to someone else’s house, maybe it will help you realize that they too have things that were not perfect. It is what you do with their imperfections that show what kind of person you are. You will see them, that’s a given because nobody can please everyone all of the time. Keeping your comments to yourself or to your significant other is the appropriate thing to do and if by chance you experience someone that blabs their mouths about your imperfections, then you know the only way to solve that is to keep those people at arms length.
Friends and worthy loved ones understand and accept our imperfections. Foes search for our imperfections to make themselves feel like they are above us. Me personally, I would much rather have 2 good friends then to have 126 whining jerks who profess to be friends. My gosh, it took me many attempts at friendships to realize that if you use all of your emotional energy on your acquaintances, you have none left for yourself. Friends and acquaintances rank differently in my life. I am civil to all if all are civil to me. If someone sits around and picks me apart then I pick to kick them out of my world. I have not the time or the emotional energy to waste on people who behave like that.
Party down Les, you obviously have earned your title as a friend to these people. If they did not like you, I am sure they wouldn’t invite you nor attend your invites. You have earned your title as a friend despite your parents attempts to make you believe that you were only worthy of being a foe.
Sincerely,
Jaded
