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Article on the neurobiology of mother-child attachment
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---It is my belief that many N mothers are actually very good in the early stages of motherhood - the baby is needy, and later adoring of the mother and is an excellent source of N supply. The Mother is in total control and therefore happy.
I think that the problems start later, maybe around 2 when the child begins to assert itself, to say 'No', and shows signs of separating that the problems begin.
--- End quote ---
My mother certainly prefers infants for the reasons you mention. However, she projects her N-stuff on infants from day one (observing her with grandchildren). She will even say a tiny infant is "spoiled" or "just wants his own way." So I don't think that N's make especially good mothers at any time.
bunny
Anonymous:
My own n-mother was very good in caring for young infants...that was part of her narcissistic supply. But she did have the notion that too much nurturing would spoil the child. She would care for phyical needs very well, but never understood a child's emotional needs. And by physical needs I mean she would feed us, bathe us, but she never was a cuddly mother. My earliest memory is of her putting me in a crib in a dark room and shutting the door. When I cried because I was being left alone, she came back angry instead of comforting. That was the scenario every night for a long time, until my father installed a night light.
I must have had separation anxiety anyway. My N-mother adopted me as an infant. I find the discission of biochemistry and nurturing to be fascinating...especially with the information I now have about my birth mother insisting she be allowed to care for me in my first few days of life.
As I grew into the person I was born to be, she seemed to dislike me more and more. I really felt as though I was a nuisance to her, rather than someone she loved. If she couldn't brag about me to her friends, I was useless to her. That continued well into my adulthood.
October:
I agree absolutely with your comment about attachment being so important, and in particular that with a mother. My own mum was not there for me, and I had a substitute in my brother, just 18 months older than me. Then in turn I mothered my younger brother. Which means that now I can get on fine with either married or gay men, but cannot relate to single men, or those who are too interested in me, if you understand that. Brothers are fine. Anything else I don't know what to do with.
Why is it therefore that I have had one therapist after another get all twitchy at the thought that I might become - horror of horrors - dependent on their support, or even fall in love with them, while I am telling them that I don't do dependent. That I do not connect with people, and that my pattern is to always walk away from them to avoid being hurt, because the pain of connecting is too high a price to pay.
Even so, I have had one therapist (my first, before I knew the rules well enough to stop what he did) accuse me of developing an unnatural obsession with him, and of being in love with him. I leave you to imagine how hurtful that was, and how traumatic the whole process of self examination in case he might be right - what has he seen in me, what have I said, what have I done. I could easily have been driven mad except for a third person who knew us both, and who said very clearly that the t was mistaken, and that the issues were his and not mine. It made me very careful after that to label my behaviours, and to ensure that professional boundaries are very carefully established and kept - for my sake.
Why do therapists get so worried about dependency? I have a daughter, and am not at all bothered about dependency, because I see it as a natural part of any relationship, and one that changes with changing circumstances; you need me today, I need you tomorrow. What is wrong with that?
If I am not allowed to even begin to relate to a t, there is nothing for me to gain from any therapy, imo. The worst of all was psychotherapy, when I was told to expect 'gentle counselling'. It was hugely damaging. I couldn't understand why it was happening, or what the t was trying to achieve, and he explained nothing; he just sat and glowered at me for 15 sessions, while denying the reality of what I told him, and left me in a very bad state. Can't even begin to understand that one.
However, current t seems very much better. She listens. She understands why I need information, and she explains what she is doing and why. And if I am not able to talk she helps me find coping strategies instead. I think the t will not last very long, but meanwhile I am growing stronger, bit by bit.
October:
I agree absolutely with your comment about attachment being so important, and in particular that with a mother. My own mum was not there for me, and I had a substitute in my brother, just 18 months older than me. Then in turn I mothered my younger brother. Which means that now I can get on fine with either married or gay men, but cannot relate to single men, or those who are too interested in me, if you understand that. Brothers are fine. Anything else I don't know what to do with.
Why is it therefore that I have had one therapist after another get all twitchy at the thought that I might become - horror of horrors - dependent on their support, or even fall in love with them, while I am telling them that I don't do dependent. That I do not connect with people, and that my pattern is to always walk away from them to avoid being hurt, because the pain of connecting is too high a price to pay.
Even so, I have had one therapist (my first, before I knew the rules well enough to stop what he did) accuse me of developing an unnatural obsession with him, and of being in love with him. I leave you to imagine how hurtful that was, and how traumatic the whole process of self examination in case he might be right - what has he seen in me, what have I said, what have I done. I could easily have been driven mad except for a third person who knew us both, and who said very clearly that the t was mistaken, and that the issues were his and not mine. It made me very careful after that to label my behaviours, and to ensure that professional boundaries are very carefully established and kept - for my sake.
Why do therapists get so worried about dependency? I have a daughter, and am not at all bothered about dependency, because I see it as a natural part of any relationship, and one that changes with changing circumstances; you need me today, I need you tomorrow. What is wrong with that?
If I am not allowed to even begin to relate to a t, there is nothing for me to gain from any therapy, imo. The worst of all was psychotherapy, when I was told to expect 'gentle counselling'. It was hugely damaging. I couldn't understand why it was happening, or what the t was trying to achieve, and he explained nothing; he just sat and glowered at me for 15 sessions, while denying the reality of what I told him, and left me in a very bad state. Can't even begin to understand that one.
However, current t seems very much better. She listens. She understands why I need information, and she explains what she is doing and why. And if I am not able to talk she helps me find coping strategies instead. I think the t will not last very long, but meanwhile I am growing stronger, bit by bit.
Spirit:
Yes this is very helpful in understanding certain questions I have about my childhood and my mothers nurturing or the lack of it. I have no memorries atall of her lifting me or holding me. She was never warm to me or anyone else. She has no friends and she is so uncomfortable with children. Mention children and she would RUN. Even if a child wanted to play with her.. she would smile sweetly give him/hre a book and disappear int othe kitchen sayinmg that she had to cook food for the childs sake. I remember once when one of my relatives was not well and asked my mom to bring her kid from school... she felt so uncomfortable ..cos she claimed that 'she was not familiar wit hthat situation.. and that the kid was very naughty adn that she didnt want to take the relsponsibility :roll: My dad is just the extreme.. he dwells on kids.. he would even intervene int oother families and claim that thier parenting is bad.. and would try plant himself as a caretaker parent :roll:
Another thought I got from Octobers reply.. I am very uncomfortable with single women.. when I am left in that situation I usually try to run.. perhaps thats my experience with my mom.. I knew she would dump me and wanted to get myself away inorfer to please her. Some how I am good with kids even though I am initially very shy. I can get along with married women, gay men, couples or even group of women. Single women or bunch of single guys with al lthat macho talk.. run is my instinct.
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