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Am I truly this selfish?

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Screamer:
Hello all.  I have posted here once or twice before and have been very grateful for the support I have received.

My husband and I have decided that we will start trying for a baby this November.  I've already had a check up and am getting ready to go.  We are planning on moving to a bigger house this summer in anticipation of our new arrival.  However.........

We still have the lingering problem of my mother.  I have decided to cut her out of my life.  My husband and I have discussed this extensively (and oh, the many hours of therapy!)  He says, "at this point it's just self-preservation."  He is very supportive of me and my decision.  He says I have been so much happier the last year and half without her.  He says he can see me shifting focus.  Now instead of focusing on my mother and the past, I can focus on myself, on him and our future.  And oh, yes.... I'm not crying all the time and I'm not thinking about suicide.

Despite this, I am begining to waiver.  Perhaps it is very cruel of me to cut her out of my life.  I think of this more now that we are planning to start a family.  I can't imagine how I might feel if my child one day said, "I never want to see you again."  It feels so very selfish and wrong to think of my preservation over hers.

Everyone, I just need some support on this.  Please share your thoughts.  I feel like I am searching everywhere for permission to take care of myself.  I just want to finally be free.  Is that too much to ask?  

I want to believe that I'm doing this to save my children from growing up like I did.  That the long line of generational abuse will end with me.  But the truth is... I want this for me.  I want to be free of this.  I want to live in today and not yesterday.  I want to end this madness I have lived in and just breath free air.  I want to develop my own self-respect and self confidence.  I want to have a happy family.  

Look at the paragraph above.  This is probably the most selfish decision I can make.  Please share your thoughts.  Please be honest, I can take it.  If this is selfish and wrong... please say so.

Anonymous:
Hey there, Screamer

Good to hear from you.  How encouraging to hear that your H is so supportive of you and not only that, you are bringing new life into the world!  Congratulations!!! :D

There is nothing like having a child for altering our perspective.  Get ready--you're going to have all kinds of questions beyond the N mother thing.  My H said after our first child was born, "suddenly the world is divided into two camps: those with kids and those without."  Not a judgment, just a perspective.  It's a pretty exciting roller coaster.

I fully relate to your questions about selfishness.  This is your conditioning.  I have no doubt that you will NOT treat your child like your mom treated you.  It is not cruel to cut your mom out of your life if it means saving your life.  You did not ask for this circumstance, you are trying to survive it.  If it helps relieve any of the guilt, (I hope so), you can tell yourself that you are doing it to show your child what life-giving behavior looks like before you expose her to the harsher realities of life.  Your child needs to know that the world is going to be safe with you in it, regardless of whatever is going on with your mother.  That is your priority now.  Even a nice grandma has to take a backseat to a baby.

I would take your paragraph of "wants" and change "want" to "NEED".  You are just as deserving to need as anyone.  I know.  I was told and conditioned repeatedly not to need by my incredibly needy father.  

Your decision does have something to do with Self.  But don't judge yourself so harshly that you are selfish and therefore a bad person.  You are not a bad person for having your own needs.    Take care and I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and birth!  Your baby is lucky to have a couple of parents who are going to give it care and love.  

Peace, Seeker

Jaded911:
Hi Screamer,

I have so much to say that my fingers are tired just thinking about it, lol.

First of all, don’t WANT to believe that you are doing this to save your children from what you suffered during your childhood; you BETTER believe that you are.  Yes I am sure you do want it for you as much as you do your children.  You already have the maternal instinct that your mother obviously never had because you have put your future children before yourself when your “egg donor” couldn’t see fit to do it when her children were born.  You might want to be free from this and I am sure you do but reality is this sweetie, in order for you to give 100% to your children emotionally, you have to have 100% to give.  Do not worry hun  if you have days you can only offer 65% or 94% to your kids because know what, that makes you human.  You only have to worry if that pattern continues day to day to day like your mothers did.  So to state that you want to be free, again, it’s almost as if you have to be free in order to accept happiness when your children arrive.  

I am not a perfect parent by any means, I don’t know one person who can say they haven’t yelled at their kids, or they haven’t been tired and turned them down when they asked to play a game or something.  But I will say that as a mother I did put my children’s emotional needs at the top of my priority list.  My kids never had to hear how they were a pain in my ARS, they never had to hear how they were a piece of chit, a whore, a selfish F’N winch because they asked for lunch money.  So as a mother, I might not have been perfect but I can assure you that I was a completely opposite mother then my egg donor.  She gave birth to me, she was by no means a mother.

Live in today sweetie because nothing you can ever do can change your past.  As you grow you will realize that half of the battle is learning to accept that your mother’s behavior was a defect of hers, not a lack of yours that you could not satisfy her, hell she didn’t even know what it took to be satisfied.  While she was picking on you, your mother gave herself some self esteem, and I believe they call that supply.  It is her lion to tame, not yours and trust you and me, the day you have those kids, if your egg donor is still in your life that only gives her more to degrade you about.  You will never do, nor can do, right in her eyes because plain and simply put, she loves making you feel like chit to maker herself the big perfect kahuna.  Spare your kids from witnessing her verbal and emotional attacks on you.  

My dear, when you free yourself from your mothers wicked spells that she attempted to cast upon you, a happy family is exactly what you shall have.

My mom to this day (that is when I chose to listen to her chit which is few and far in between, lol, such a wonderful feeling) anyway she will say things like how proud she is of me because I am getting my masters, she was just telling Madeline how wonderful I was doing, blah blah FN blah.  I shut her right the hell up by saying, hum…..bet ya didn’t think that day would come did ya when you were calling me a no good whore, a stupid FN C that would live life with a C**k shoved in me, did ya now.  I am telling ya, nothing shuts that thing up faster then for me to repeat some of the horrible things she would say to me.  LOL, the woman had two weeks of her 7th grade education.  Bing Bing, bells here anyone?  She felt stupid as hell and wanted me to feel just the same.  You know, drag me down to her level.  Damn good thing that I had the will to move past her emotional dungeon.  If I wouldn’t have, my kids would have suffered the same childhood that I did.  I feel this is the best thing I could offer my children as a mother.

Screamer, be everything you ever wanted your mother to be as a mommy.  One day you will see what I mean when I say that nothing you could ever buy your kids could replace their needs for your love, your tenderness, your nurturing, and your encouragement for them to be the best that they can be.  You cant buy happiness and I also believe you cant buy your self esteem.  That is something that comes from nurturing, not from Sax Fifth Av.

Your self respect and confidence will come at night when you lay alone in bed with your thoughts.  You treat your kids as you wished to be treated as a kid and the confidence and self respect will shine like the sun and your thoughts will be filled with sweet ones, not ones that are bitter like your birth ladies were.

You got the whole world in your hands.  Grasp it and accept that you deserve to venture it.  You have the ability to love and you deserve to be loved.  You will never get this from her so I say to you, my ability to accept me came when I rejected her attempts to deem me unworthy.

Anonymous:
Screamer,

If having your mom in your life leads to suicidal thoughts, how could it be selfish to keep her at a distance? It would be more selfish to inflict her on the baby.

Keep doing what you're doing. When a woman is pregnant, she instinctively wants her mother to be part of it. But keep using your head. Preserve your mental health, so you can be a good mom.

bunny

mighty mouse:
Screamer,

Hi.

You need a self first, and with an N you have no self. You can't really grow up and be the real you if you're still tied to the Nmom.

It would be selfish and weak of you to subject your family to the whims of that thief....the thief that stole your identity, stole your esteem and stole your soul. Get it all back woman so that you have it to give to your little ones.

MM

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