One big problem I had with not letting go of my relationship with my father is this idea of family piety. We respect the family and believe that somehow if we do not submit we are sinning against the family.
In a "normal" family many individuals are grouped together and interact on many levels. When the choice of the child is in line with the goals of the family, everything moves along nicely. This is what is called a mutually beneficial relationship. We stay in groups because the family achieves more than the sum of the parts. And times will come along when the choice of the child is not in line with the goals of the family. In a normal family the group recognizes the individual and wishes them the best. They are able to realize that the family is a voluntary organization and have no objection to the one they love moving in a direction that they see fit. And in these families that same child also continues to participate in all other activities and is not forced to change their current direction. And again the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Life is beautiful and they all love and respect each other.
Now, one could compare this to a political system and say that I was raised in a dictatorial family and a normal family is the democratic family. This is wrong. The normal family is not democratic but instead a union of equals. In a democratic family, all would vote and the child would have to submit to the will of the majority. This would be the same as saying my family chooses my career path by vote, chooses my choice of spouse by vote, chooses my ... by vote. That is not how it works. We would all be equal individuals interacting together because we are better off than as lone wolves out on a hunt.
Now enter my world. Every decision, every action, every emotion had to be filtered through my father. If it was in line with his wishes then I felt free to move forward. It does not matter whether or not the rest of the family would gain, all that mattered is that he would gain. He speaks of family but in reality, all he means is himself. he could care less for the family except that he realizes that it is a perfect tool for him to get what he wants. So he tolerates the institution simply and only because it serves his means.
Let me elaborate. This is a man who never played with me as a child, this is a man that never taught me how the world works, this is a man that never put his arm around me, this is a man that never complimented me in anything that I did, this is a man that was never around when I needed him, this is a man that never came to any of my school functions, this is a man that never gave me a supportive word, this is a man that never comforted me when I was hurt, this is a man that never respected my privacy, this is a man that never respected my opinion, this is a man ....
Fine, so it was. But this is the positive aspect of being a father. And I could no longer blame him for his misgivings than I can another father for not being available for their children when they needed him because he was working. The difference is that my father was not available because he was either out getting drunk with the boys, out screwing any women who would spread her legs for him, out constantly interacting with anyone else except his family.
But the real abuse begins when it is not the area of omission that he is at fault, but the area of positive action on his part. This is a man who chose a wife for me and made me feel like a piece of shit when I rejected her. This is a man who chose a career for me and refused to talk to me for a month when I chose a different path. This is a man who would forbid me from speaking my mind when it did not agree with his. This is a man .... You get the idea.
So, what do people do when they tire of the dictator. They take him down off his pedestal and move on with their lives. He is no longer their ruler but just another citizen. And in this respect, when I visit my parents, I am no longer visiting my mother and father, but instead, I am visiting my mother and her sperm donor.
Steve
