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Settling & Rationalizing

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Anonymous:

--- Quote from: BlueTopaz ---But for me, it is specifically that it is difficult to know when first meeting a new potential mate, whether I am showing rightful, healthy empathy toward a specific behavior that I might find "ify", or whether I am rationalizing a behavior that shoud have me heading for the door.    

In other words, where does rightful empathy end, and unhealthy rationalizing begin.
--- End quote ---


I think you need to know what your standards, values, and non-negotiable items are. We all ignore some 'iffy' behaviors when we're attracted to someone. Are we talking about how he squeezes the toothpaste, or whether he has cheated in the past? Be honest with yourself about whether this behavior/factor will be insupportable in future.

bunny

cplummer:
I am so intrigued with your posts, Blue, because your thoughts and rationalizations and trying to figure this and that out sound so very much like me--10 years ago.  One thing that hasn't been mentioned, and that I never did very well,, was to trust my intuition.  I feel that me, and probably others who get involved with N men and other abusers, don't trust our intuition enough.  Perhaps it' s been clouded over with our own abusive childhoods--I know mine was.  But I still had it.  It was there.  I just wasn't listening to it.  Try developing and uncovering and listening to yours!!  You are an amazing woman!!

BlueTopaz:
Thanks Caroline!  

Yes, exactly.  I ignored red flags, which stemmed both from my xN's overt behavior and that stemmed directly from my intuition.

Boy, did I ignore the inner voices that were literally screaming at me.  I knew I was not listening as I should while I was ignoring them, too.  I didn't heed because my desire for things to be other than what they were, sooooo strong.  

I did not want to accept the truth of the situation.  What I'm learning now, is that early acceptance (that the relationship/person might not be right) is key.  

Saying "STOP!" to fantasy thinking.   It's easier to get out early on.

Hope I can do it.  I think I can now...  I do know that I never want to be in such a hard relationship again, or go through that kind of soul-deep, destructive pain, ever, ever.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Take care  :)

Anonymous:
Great Thread.  I also think the gut thing is the key.  I have really strong intuitions and gut feelings about things.  I have promised myself to never, ever doubt them again.  If my alarms go off I tune in and take notes.  I don't doubt for a second they have basis anymore.  When my liar alarm goes off I know I am in the presence of a liar and I take heed.  
Being a good listener helps. You can learn a lot about a person that way.
Always trust what your intuition is saying. Stay true to yourself and your wants and needs, at all costs (even the cute ones).

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