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Settling & Rationalizing

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Bonnie:
Hi Blue Topaz

my thoughts on relationships.

- it can take 3 years to find out the truth of the person you're with (ie 3 years for the projections to drop away) so go slow in relationships.
- relationships shouldn't have to be THAT HARD. ie it should go smooth 90% of the time.

you are asking some really good questions which shows you are growing - you will find the answers for yourself through future relationships. It may be that you need some more practise in relationships before you find 'the one'.

compromise is important in a relationship but so too is staying true to yourself............. it's a very fine balance

good luck!

bunny:

--- Quote from: BlueTopaz ---Do you have any thoughts on what the difference between empathy and rationalizing is?    Knowing the difference is what seems to confuse me.  

Honestly, I would have no idea whether I was being rightfully empathetic of certain behaviors (i.e. taking his history, known vulnerabilities, fears into account)  or mistakenly rationalizing behaviors that I should be upset over.   :?  

Maybe the duration of the behaviors has something to do with it?  For instance, it might be rightful empathy in the first little while, but if it keeps occuring after discussion about it, and my kind support, it becomes rationalizing if I continue to put up with it.

Anyway, if you have any other thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
--- End quote ---


Empathy for someone's behaviors, past history, etc., is not a green light for romance. You may not even be able to sustain a friendship with him. You may even decide that no contact is reasonable. Empathy only means you understand his situation. It doesn't mean he's relationship material. Far from it.

Relationships have to be based on pragmatic considerations plus mutual attraction. If you ignore the pragmatic stuff at the beginning, you'll end up hurting later.

bunny

BlueTopaz:
Thanks Bonnie.

relationships shouldn't have to be THAT HARD.

Yes!  This is something that is really sinking in for me.   It was so hard with xN more often than not, and now I am more clear that it is not supposed to be that way.

I knew intellectually, but at heart, I always thought (rationalized!) that we were doing great inner work.   Working hard through painful things, to a brighter future.   So, I chose to view the ongoing pain as work to a healed and loving path for us.  Stubborn hope does die hard!  

Thanks again.


Bunny:

Thanks.   I am aware of everything you have written, particularly that empathy alone does not make a relationship.   I work in a field where I  often see unhealthy scenarios where empathy is the drawing factor.    Feeling "pity" or sorry for someone and relating to their pain, is mistaken for a reason to begin a relationship with them.   This of course, is all about the needs and inner scripts of the partner wishing to "comfort" or "save" or "make better".    

I was talking more about the dif. between empathy & rationalizing, where the relationship was not based on empathy to begin with.   Perhaps even within a healthy relationship.

But for me, it is specifically that it is difficult to know when first meeting a new potential mate, whether I am showing rightful, healthy empathy toward a specific behavior that I might find "ify", or whether I am rationalizing a behavior that shoud have me heading for the door.    

In other words, where does rightful empathy end, and unhealthy rationalizing begin...  

I'm still confused between the two, but I think as Bonnie mentioned, it will take some experience within my next non N relationship, whenever that should happen.   I am completely single at the moment.

Just remembering things like listening & following what my needs & wants are (which I never did), and that relationships should not be that hard most of the time, will serve a cues to help me sort it out.

write:
when I meet someone I observe how they interact with others, what they say about their family, their former partners, about women and about life.
Then I watch what they DO as opposed to what they say they'll do.
It very quickly becomes apparent who has a negative view of women or who is potentially abusive or untrustworthy.

The main thing is- don't go into the relationship anyway!

For people like us who spent our formative years loaning out part of ourselves to dysfunctional others it takes time to break the habit of 'bridging the gap'.

At least you're aware.

Maybe you need some space out of relationships for a while?

BlueTopaz:
Write, you are right lol...

I have been out of the relationship with xN for almost a year, but still feel that I may need a bit more time before getting into another relationship.  

I won't be pursuing any relationship with the sports guy (see initial post).  I really don't feel this is a match for me, so I'm going to pass on it.    

This in itself is something I am proud of, because prior, like trying to fit the good old square peg into a round hole, I always tried to fit myself into being a match for whatever the other person's lifestyle and needs were.  

This time, I am passing on something because it doesn't meet the needs of who I truly am & what I want- horray!

I think I need just a little more time to get some things straight within.   I also do not want to push potential good people/matches who genuinely want to show me their caring & love, away.   I think there will always be a little fear in starting the first relationship after having been through the crazies with an N.  

I know that I want a very particular kind of person, which is very emotionally aware, inwardly wise, and spiritually (no religious
connotation) based.  With that specific type, I could continue to work through some things, while being within the relationship.  

I feel that many good relationships actually facilitate healing of the inner self....

So, a little more time, and the right person...

Great advice about saying and doing...    Yes, yes, yes.  I think how a person is in this area is a major telling sign, and it will be something I will very actively watch for.   Something I will put on my criteria list.  

Thanks a lot for your reply.

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