7 Deadly Habits

[Certain Hope]

The Seven Deadly Habits of Truly Miserable People

http://www.prevention.com/cda/article/the-seven-deadly-habits-of-truly-miserable-people/65f072e50d803110VgnVCM10000013281eac____/health/emotional.health


Do all these things, and we guarantee that you and everyone around you will be nuts. Better yet, wise up.

By Ellen Michaud , Vermont-based freelance writer Ellen Michaud is a former award-winning Prevention editor-at-large.

Unless you have a couple of crossed wires or a genetic glitch in your brain cells, most of the emotional turmoil you experience is directly traceable to the fact that you've learned to try to control those around you through these seven deadly habits, says psychiatrist William Glasser, MD, president of the William Glasser Institute in Chatsworth, CA, and author of Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom (HarperCollins, 1999).
 

And what are the seven deadlies? They are punishing, complaining, blaming, threatening, nagging, criticizing, and bribing.
 

Unfortunately, a lot of us use the seven deadlies, as Dr. Glasser calls them, without even realizing it.
Your younger sister spends an hour making the salad for dinner, and you criticize her choice of ingredients as unhealthy. You say that you just want her to live long and prosper, but is that really your objective? Or are you trying to control her?

Your husband rarely mops up the bathroom sink after he shaves. So just about every morning you complain, "This sink is a mess!" and blame, "I'm never on time for work, because I have to clean it up!" Oh really? Or are you trying to force him to clean up the sink?
 

Your offspring rarely straighten their rooms. So you nag ("Did you make your bed?") and nag ("Did you pick up your clothes?") and nag ("Did you put the towels in the hamper?").
The way you tell everybody what to do and how it should be done all the time, it's a miracle that you have any relationships at all. And where on earth did you pick up these deadly habits anyway?
 

Unfortunately, explains Dr. Glasser, "We learn these habits from teachers, parents, grandparents, and others as a child." Your mom finds newspapers and books all over the living room floor, blames you for the mess, complains that you're turning the house into a pigpen, and tells you to clean it up. She may punish you ("No television tonight, my girl") or bribe or nag you until the job gets done.
 

After years of hearing this manipulative patter, you eventually begin to use it yourself, says Dr. Glasser. And it may seem to work, at least in the short term. Your daughter may indeed pick up the living room. But after being blamed, punished, bribed, and nagged, she's not going to be the type of girl who will give her mother an affectionate hug as she waltzes in the door. The result? A neat living room and a messy relationship that makes both of them miserable

How to Make People Nuts
Aside from the moral issue about whether or not trying to control someone else's behavior is right or wrong, the practical problem with trying to control others is that whenever you blame, bribe, complain, criticize, punish, or threaten anyone, they'll resist, says Dr. Glasser. They'll argue. They'll fight. In fact, they'll cajole, ignore, cheat, sneak around behind your back, or do any one of a zillion things they can think of to get you to back off.
 

It's simply human nature. You're genetically wired to resist being coerced into doing something you don't want to do, Dr. Glasser points out. It may be more pronounced in one person than another, but unless you recognize what you're doing and learn how to get what you need in a relationship without trying to control other people, every relationship you have will disintegrate into a power struggle that will make everyone just plain miserable.
Turning It All Around
Using the seven deadlies was in part responsible for the failure of 39-year-old Sam Brown's (not his real name) first marriage.
 

"It was a rough time," Sam recalls. "It wasn't until the relationship was over and both I and my partner were heartbroken that I came to realize that I might well have been able to make other and better choices."
 

With this awareness, Sam understood that he needed to put some effort into changing his way of "doing business." So he started to work with Barnes Boffey, a therapist trained in Dr. Glasser's approach.
 

"With my therapist's help, I began to understand that I had to do three things," Sam says.
"One, recognize that my current behavior wasn't working.
Two, have a vision of what I wanted to be like.
And three, begin practicing behaviors of how I wanted to be.
 

"It was already clear that my current behavior wasn't working," he admits. "So I took a look at who I was, then chose to be the best part of who I really am," Sam says. "And that best part is someone who is loving and supportive. I spent a lot of time in my previous relationship trying to change my partner," he adds with a wry grin. "Now, I'm changing me."
 

[Leah]

7 Deadly Hobbits:

>  Complainer in the role of projectionist

>  Controller

>  Blame Shifter

>  Dismisser

>  Patronizer

>  Intruder

>  Insincerity


Each carries an Emotional Health Warning:  Do Not Enmesh


No Book  ~  just life experience out on the road of life !!! 


Leah  ~  ex-muppet

[Certain Hope]

Very good, Leah.  I've encountered those hobbits, as well, in my own personal life experience. In fact, on occasion, I've actually been the perpetrator of each and every one of them... as such is the unregenerate human condition. At this stage of my life, I'm thankful for the knowledge, wisdom, and tools to identify those who are chronic, perpetual hobbits of one or more of those varieties and give them a wide berth!

Here is a review of the book on which the article in my initial post was based. Because it offers some concrete examples of the choices we do (or don't) make, I'll post it in its entirety here.

Carolyn
 


Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, William Glasser, M.D.
Reviewed by Morris Haimowitz
Harper Collins, 1998, 340 pages$23.00 ($32.50 Canada)

This important work, the latest by Dr. Glasser, is a bold proposal for helping families, schools, work places and entire communities, to help people feel free, and at the same time, get along with each other.

The essence of choice theory is exemplified in this situation: you hear the telephone ring; you answer the phone. The reason you answered the phone? Because it rang. No, The reason you answered the phone is because you chose to answer the phone. You could have chosen not to answer it.

The opposite of choice theory is what Glasser calls external control psychology, that we are feeling or behaving because of some external person or situation, which may be true in extreme cases such as war or natural catastrophes. But in ordinary life, if we believe "You made me angry;" or "You made me break it." and similar excuses for our behavior, then we are controled by a belief in external control psychology. In Games People Play, (1964), Berne lists a number of games with a similar theme as in "You made me do it." or "See what you made me do;" or "If it weren't for you." "Look how hard I tried." and "Aint it awful."

So many of the assumptions and axioms here are compatible with those in Transactional Analysis. Thus, Glasser states that the only person whose behavior we can control is our own. And he works only in the Now, saying what happened in the past should be treasured if it was pleasant and put away if it was unpleasant. His insistance on this, we believe, puts undue restraints on the use of such valuable tools as the rubberband, or redecision therapy which may help the client understand his or her history and ease appropriate changes. And he says most of our miseries are caused by our own beliefs, not too different from the position taken in Suffering is Optional (1976).

There is a great deal of disagreement about how much freedom of choice one has. For example, I interviewed a man in prison who had murdered his infant. I asked him what was happening. He answered. "She would not stop screaming at me." So he must have thought his four month old daughter had more freedom of choice than he had.

"People who are lucky enough to live in freedom, safety and plenty are more free to speculate about personal choices and actions." (Alan Jacobs)

Many children in this fair land suffer a living hell with parents who very likely were also abused as children. In Chicago today there are more than 40,000 children in foster homes, removed from their parents because of abuse or neglect. Who knows whether these foster parents are more loving and caring than the real parents? Many parents believe to comfort a crying infant will spoil it. Some psychologists also believe this despite overwhelming evidence that infants reared in a loving, nurturing home will grow up to be loving and nurturing adults, while infants abused will have more difficulties being nurturing and loving.

Today I saw two boys who complained that they were yelled at by their mothers. I asked them, "What do you do in such a situation?"

Boy #1: I go into dreamland.

Boy #2: 1 just sit there like I can't move and get a belly ache.'
These boys had fewer choices than their mothers.

Most adults in the United States probably have a lot more freedom of choice than they realize, but this freedom is neither universal nor unlimited. Thousands of homeless adults scrounge garbage for food, and sleep on the cold park benches or sidewalks. And plenty of working adults are stuck in extremely painful jobs. (Studs Turkel, Working (1972).

Around the world today hundreds of millions of people are existing on the verge of starvation. Millions are being tortured or harassed for racial, ethnic or religious beliefs. All over this planet several million refugees suffer without a country. For them suffering may not be optional.

In the situations described below, the adults clearly had choices they did not know they had before they became enlightened by psychotherapy.

Here is an example with a physical problem:

Glasser: What is the problem?

Thelma: Terrible headaches .... My doctor found nothing physical, told me to come see you. He said it is stress. I am skeptical.

G: Stress is very simple, occurring when something in your life is not the way you want it .... Do you have any children at home?

T: Oh Samantha, she's 16. I can't stand her.

G: Tell me more.

T: She never does what I tell her to do?. She leaves the kitchen a mess? On the couch watching TV.

G: What do you do when you come home and see her?

T: I yell at her ... Last week I got so furious at her nasty mouth, I slapped her and she slapped me back and has not spoken to me since and I had the worst headache...

G: I am going to ask you to do something that you will find very hard to do ... When you get home, do nothing....

T: But Samantha is the problem.

G: The relationship is the problem... What do you do when you have a customer where you work who is a big pain?

T: The customer is important.

G: More important than your daughter?

T: She is all I have .... (cries)
G: So when you get home what would you like to do?

T: Pour a glass of wine and sit and watch TV with her. If I did that she would think I had lost my mind...
G: Tell her you have stopped yelling, and sit with her. .. Do it for three days. And things got better at home.

And here is a summary of an hour session with a couple:

Glasser: What is the problem?

He. She keeps spending money.

She: He nags me about money.

(There is much arguing and accusing.) G: I can't help you if you keep this up.

G: Who can make you change?

He: Only I

She: Only I

G: What can you do different to make the marriage better?

He: I can say nothing about money to her.

She: I can be a little more affectionate.

They leave feeling better.

And at the Huntington Woods School:

Glasser taught the teachers to work with individual students, and to expect competent results. If the work of the student is not competent, the student is told to keep working until "we are both sure you are competent." The teacher checks the work and encourages. There are no threats, no failures. This previously very troubled school has been a quality school for three years, visited by people from all over the world.

Choice theory says that the reason most students don't do their best in school is because of external control psychology: the schools, supported by parents and politicians, think they know what is right and children who don't learn what they are told is right should be punished

And the Schwab Middle School

A math class in this very disturbed school . The teacher was giving the lesson and no one was listening or doing the assignment. Glasser sat down with one student who was not listening to the teacher and asked her quietly two or three times, "Are you going to do the problem?" He helped her and she finished the assignment, and then he sat with another student. He asked the teacher to do the same. He was teaching the teacher by example. No threats, no coercion, but encouragement and help, and good results.

Another example is a girl who won't graduate because she is failing in English.

"I hate Shakespeare. I try hard but I can't understand it.

What do you like?

I like animals.

Would you be willing to read a book about animals? I am sure you can pass a test on this book.

She agrees.

Why force Shakespeare? The purpose of this class is to provide language skills. Yet some teachers thought it would be better to sacrifice her to preserve a coercive system. Some schools kill the love of learning which children show in kindergarten and first grade. In describing his work in schools and in the work place, he uses the Deming example: (Out of the Crisis, 1986) programs which aim to change the person are ineffective; what must be changed is the system.

I asked my daughter, Carla, when she returned from her first day of school, "What did you learn in school today?" She said "I learned that only the teacher can talk."

When Glasser asked the teachers in the Schwab Middle School in Cincinnati, what they wanted, they said, they wanted to teach the way they felt was best, but were afraid, so Glasser got written permission from State and local authorities to grant teachers this right. He went into the community to find volunteer tutors so there would be two teachers for each ten students. You can imagine that things improved greatly in that school. The small extra cost of this kind of program is much more economical than keeping these kids in prison when they fail school.

Similarly in the workplace, Glasser demonstrates what he calls "lead management" which involves the manager working with the employee or demonstrating the work, so that they both understand the purpose and methods to be used. The employee adds his suggestions and questions. The key to success in the workplace, as in families. or schools, is good relationships, and in the workplace, pay incentives are provided for excellence.

The most valuable part of this book is not the new theories which are old theories with new names, but in the very creative, energetic and boldly ambitious examples of successful programs.

His most ambitious program: to change an entire community.

[Leah]

 

In Games People Play, (1964), Berne lists a number of games with a similar theme as in "You made me do it." or "See what you made me do;" or "If it weren't for you." "Look how hard I tried." and "Aint it awful."

Recommend the above book, by Berne, "Games People Play" which is referred to in the article.

Eye opener, stunning throughout, and empowering, to understand.


My life experience and understanding is;

being a jolly smiley person, who loves to laugh, and chooses to look at both sides,

..... goes against the grain of the miserable person.

CLASH !!  The miserable person kicks off.


Have you read Berne's "Games People Play" book?  Carolyn


Off up the wooden hill now.

Goodnight, and May the Lord God Bless You.

Love, Leah




Games People Play is a famous 1964 book by psychiatrist Eric Berne. Since its publication it has sold more than five million copies.

The book describes both functional and dysfunctional social interactions.

In the first half of the book, Dr. Berne introduces transactional analysis as a way of interpreting social interactions. He describes three roles or ego-states, the Child, the Parent, and the Adult, and postulates that many negative behaviors can be traced to switching or confusion of these ego-states. Dr. Berne discusses procedures, rituals, and pastimes in social behavior, in light of this method of analysis.   For example, a boss who talks to his staff as a controlling parent will often engender self-abased obedience, tantrums, or other childlike responses from his employees.

The second half of the book catalogues a series of mind games, in which people interact through a patterned and predictable series of "transactions" which are superficially plausible (that is, they may appear normal to bystanders or even to the people involved), but which actually conceal motivations, include private significance to the parties involved, and lead to a well-defined predictable outcome, usually counterproductive.

[Certain Hope]

I'm not so sure I agree with all of the above - though some of it really does make sense to me. (especially: look what you made me do... are you listening Twiggy? that game blames someone else for your behavior!)

One thing I've realized about nagging, complaining... is that I simply need to ASK for what I want - and I usually get it. (There's that voice/voicelessness again...) The thing is I've been programmed to feel so unimportant - powerless, that the habit of complaining is interwoven in "me"... Trying to change that now; so when I feel the urge to complain or nag - I remind myself that I have the RIGHT to ask for anything... it's not a demand, there's seldom a concrete deadline... and asking shares power with the other person.

Works a lot better.

Thanks, Amber... I'm not sold on this theory either, but plenty of it adds up for me... so I'll continue reading and exploring.

It's the same for me with asking... still comes as a ahock to me - - that it's really okay to ask! Yes, that old programming of self-discounting runs deep.
Oh, and I especially appreciate what you wrote about how asking shares power with the other person. That statement really clicks alot of loose stuff into place for me, re: my prior methods of sulking (i.e. silent manipulation) and that old tendancy to expect others to be able to read my mind if they really cared enough...  oh, my, the power I was willing to give to others (and to myself, in thinking that my silence should be able to affect them so strongly!)

Thanks for the book recommendation, Leah. No, I've not read Berne's "Games People Play", but have noted it on my continuing list of possibilities.

Hope you both have a wonderful night/day tomorrow.

Carolyn

[write]

I'm not so sure I agree with all of the above - though some of it really does make sense to me.

it's a model based upon transactional analysis which was the rediscovered thing of the 80s when I was a social worker.

What the models do is apply a structure to lookign at behaviours- I recognised my father instantly whenever he played 'yes, but...' after reading the book and it helped me keep his games in perspective.

Games are a way of maintaining a relationship whilst avoiding intimacy, as are all the '7 habits' listed.

Nagging is cultural too- the way people prod each other into doing stuff they don't really want to! Since I gave up nagging though two of my relationships have simply ended, the other person went away after I stopped; it apparently fulfilled a need for both parties