Hi all,
Today I proclaimed my independence from N parents. I have been trying to communicate with them, but since they use silence as a punishment for attempting to be independet (I'm 44), I was not getting anywhere. Yesterday I realized I kept saying I needed to let them know I was no longer in control by them, but it suddenly dawned on me, I was still acting fearful to them, fearful of their voices and threats. I am no longer fearful, but had to let them know. So I called today, asked to speak to N dad, but N mom said she wanted to talk. Tried the old "I am sorry, please forgive me for anything I've ever done" scenario. I told her I could not forgive until she started showing the actions of a loving, caring mother. I told her the words were empty as I have heard them all my life, but never saw the accompanying actions to support her words. She finally listened long enough for me to tell her I was tired of living a split life, one person to them, for fear they would not love me or kill me as they so ofter threatened, another person to the whole world. I told her I had smoked, drank, and cussed since I was a teen. She has refused to hear the words forever! They are A/G and believe if you do not live your life the way they say, you are going to hell. So that's what they both told me. N dad chimed in and started yelling at me trying to put the fear of god in me. So I spoke back and told him he could run his mouth as much as he wanted, but I was not afriad of him anymore. I told him I finally realized he could not beat me, slap me, or hold my head under water anymore to hurt me. He was livid! He just kept yelling and then pulled the stops I knew he would use - if he can't control you by beating you, then he threatens to take you to court, This is the same man that took my sister to court to adopt her daughter from her and succeeded. He said he would put me before a judge for cussing on the phone. I told him I wasn't afriad of him, I actually laughed hard at him for going to such depts. He said he was recording the conversation so he could take it to a lawyer and get me arrested for cussing on the phone at him. Of course it did no good to tell him how stupid he sounded, they said they wanted to talk to me, they stayed on the phone and kept telling me how I was going to hell, then he actaully told me to go there!!!!! Score One for papa! He's accusing me of cussing, but did it himself on his recorded phone call!!!!
You really can drive Ns crazy by not giving them supply, and playing their game right back at them! I did a lot of "I feel sorry for you that you feel this way, but that's not the way I feel....".
I stood my ground, steady like a rock!, and for some odd reason they stayed on the phone, attempting to scare me into submitting, but it did no good. My DH aslo got on the phone because my poor N mom said she needed to talk to him. She cried and asked what had gotten into me, possessed me over the past few months. She begged him to take me and have me admitted because I needed psychiatric help! He laughed and told her the whole family was dysfunctional and needed help. She asked me if I talked (cussed) like that around him and I said "heehee he's on the phone listening now!" It broke her little heart!
My N dad went back and forth from "I do not want you in my life - what little there is left for your poor ole dad", to "I love you and will pray every night for your damned soul, that you will be shown the right way". I told him he had no fear, I was right with my god. I did tell him that I did not want to spend eternity with him, so I hoped there are 2 heavens. I said goodbye, didn't wait for them to cut the conversation.
They are classic Ns. This was the first full conversation that has existed since I realized their illness. They followed the path perfectly - "I'm sorry, please forgive me" to "It's all your fault, how could you be so bad", to "Why are you doing this to us", to "All those years in church and you turned out this way, we raised you to be a good christian girl and we are not going to responsible for your bad behavior, we wash our hands of you", to "We love you and want back the good little girl", to "go to hell", then "We love you and are praying for your soul".
I did this for me - not them. I am not trying to change them -I do not care about them anymore. I had to let them know that their threats were on empty ears, they had reached the end of their supply with me. I feel good. I can move on with my life now.
Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for letting me vent. It's not all over. There will still be bad days I know, and I will stay a part of this group, but I know I can move on now.
