Linda D Tillman, Ph.D.
(404) 873-5503
No is a simple two letter word. Yet saying "No" out loud is harder for most people than saying, "I'll be glad to..." or "When do you need me to..."
“No,” is easy to say when we are two years old. The authority figures in our lives at the time, our parents, expect us to.
Many of us grow up to be people pleasers. "No" drops out of our vocabulary. We turn into people pleasers. We substitute ways to keep the other person happy. We believe that saying "No" can cost us a lot.
The unassertive "No" is accompanied by weak excuses. If you lack confidence when you say "No," you try to support your "No" with lots of reasons. You might even make up an excuse to support your "No."
The aggressive "No" is done with contempt. "Are you kidding? Me, get your mail for you?"
Sometimes the aggressive "No" includes an attack on the person making the request. "You must be crazy. I couldn’t work on that team."
The assertive "No" is simple and direct. "No, I won't be able to help with that." Explanation, if included, is short and simple. "No, I won't be able to help with that. I've made a previous commitment."
Strategies to make the assertive "No" easier:
ask for time to think it over. Remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you. Buying time allows you to support your decision to refuse.
Underline the "No" nonverbally. Use a firm and direct voice. Look into the person's eyes as you speak. Shake your head "No.”
Remember that "No," is an honorable response, honest and authentic.
If you say, "Yes," when you want to say, "No," you will feel resentful later and not enjoy the commitment.
Say, "No," empathically to someone whom you would help under different circumstances: "No, Susie, I can't keep Billie for you. It must be hard for you to find someone at that time of day, but I have already made plans.”
Start your sentence with the word, "No."
Make it a project to say, "No," to something every day. The more you practice, the easier this simple assertion will become.
When you do say “No,” notice it and give yourself credit for practicing saying an important two letter word.
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Georgia Psychological Association
