Ns as Grandparents?

[sunblue]

Hi all:

I'm posting today to see if anyone else has encountered a situation similar to mine regarding my Nparent.

I have an N mom and, as a mother, she is a typcial N in terms of her self-absorbtion, lack of interest in anyone but her or her fellow Ndaugher (my sister, not me), lack of empathy, affection, etc.  However, my Nmom is also a grandmother.  I have an 11 year old niece.  She seems to have acted in similar ways with her as with her own children.  My Nmom has always claimed to "adore" children.  The truth is she only interacts with children up until the age when they are completely dependent on her and dote on her.  So, she's fine with children up until the age of 5 or 6 when they begin to become individuals and don't need to constantly crawl into her lap, depend on her for every tiny thing.  In other words, when everything is about the attention the child gives HER, not vice versa.  My Nmom acted like this with my niece as well.  Once she became the age when she developed her own personality and ideas, she had not much use for her.  For instance, she used to babysit one day a week.  Once my niece grew into her own (5 or 6 yrs old) and became active and playful, my mom wanted none of it.  She would sit in a chair and read a newspaper, refuse to sit at a table and play with her, etc.

However, my Nmom tells everyone and their brother how this grandchild is the "center of her life".  On the rare occasions when she accepts my brother's invitation to see my niece, my Nmom always ends her visit by hugging my niece and whispering in my niece's ear things like, "Don't forget you're MY special girl."  "You're MY perfect angel."  She makes it their little "secret" but makes sure everyone sees this and knows what she is saying.

On the one hand, I'm grateful that my niece gets to hear these sentiments from her grandmother (despite my mom's real motivations).  But, selfishly, I can't help but feel hurt and sad that she could never do that for me either as a child or adult.  In addition, my mom has always been cognizant of my niece's development and issues.  For example, she expresses concern that she develop good self-esteem, make friends, never be alone when her parents are working.  It irks me because she never had any of these concerns for me. 

So my question is, for those of you with Nparents, do you find their behavior differs with grandchildren?  Do they show more attention to them than to you when you were children?  Is their narcissism still evident in how they treat the grandchildren?

[tayana]

Sun,

My nmom is like this with my son.  She always says he's the only thing she lives for.  She dotes on him, and she made him very dependent on her.  She's concerned about him having friends, being picked on at school, etc.  She's concerned about all sorts of things, and she would never make him accept responsibility for his actions.

When I was just a little older than M, I was expected to take care of the house, cook dinner, etc.  I was left alone after school, and no one ever thought twice about it.  If my mother knew I left M alone for very short periods she would totally freak out.  She was never that concerned about me having friends, in fact, I was kept very isolated, and when I was invited to do things, never allowed to go.  She never got upset about me being picked on at school.  The most she would do was call the teacher and yell at her, which only made things worse, and eventually I stopped talking about anything.

I think n grandparents try to make sure everyone knows how good of parents they were by spoiling our kids.  It's like our kids reflect on them, not a reflection of the kids' parents.  I suppose it is a reflection in a way.  I vowed I'd never be like my mom.

[Certain Hope]

Sunblue,

My 4 children are my parents' only grandchildren, and yet their relationship is very superficial.
They really don't know each other...  but then, I guess the self-absorbed never do really get to know anyone intimately... not even themselves, beneath their masks.
 My mother does seem to be more physically affectionate with my kids, than she ever was with me.... at least, she'll give them an occasional hug, which is more than I recall getting. But that may be because I raised them with loads of hugs and "I love you's" ... so that behavior comes naturally to them. I guess that makes my mother a chameleon of sorts... able to blend in, when she's willing, with the personalities at hand... yuck.

Anyhow, I'd guess that what you're witnessing with your niece is a performance and not a genuine interaction... and I'd also guess that, in her heart, your niece sees beneath the surface. Kids usually do. The self-absorbed song and dance routine is like spreading delicious buttercream icing on a cardboard cake.... or another old saying - - -
love that's a mile wide, but just a millimeter deep.
I'm sorry it's causing you pain... but I really think it's just an illusion, with her, like most everything else.

Carolyn

[sunblue]

Sigh...I think you are all so right.  It's really more of the same...another version of the same act.  I know that even with my niece, my Nmom is very uncomfortable with physical hugs.  I think it goes back to her real belief that she belongs on a pedestal, a throne that sits way above everyone else.  Therefore, she'd never ever initiate a gesture of affection  She certainly never showed me any....or anyone else really. 

In my case, I remember seeing pictures of my Nmom with my older Nsis as a baby.  She was smiling and cuddling the baby.  My mom's mother also was seen in pictures coddling my sister.  There were few to no picture of myself or my brother.  One of the other differences is she was home with my Nsis until she was about 5.  She returned to work immediately after she had me and never really spent much time bonding...jsut the essentials.

Now, my Nmom is very, very good at shopping and buying things for my niece.  But she will not interact with her on any real level, takes no interest or joy in what interests my niece.  Even when we took my niece to a movie, she made it clear she would not sit through any kind of "animated" or child-oriented movie.  She just wouldn't.  Everything is about her even though she would tell anyone that her granddaughter is her whole life.

Like Tayana, my Nmom never had the same concerns about me as a child.  She took no interest in the fact that I had no friends and was alone all the time.  (My Nmom worked and so we were always alone afer school and during summers and vacations).  More importantly, she never cared what was bothering me or what was going on at school.  Nothing.  That continues to this day.

She appears to me to be a very cold, distant and selfish person.  Everything she does is self-motivated.  Even with my niece, her hugs aren't about showing my niece love, but rather what she gets in return and making it clear that my niece is the "special" property of my mom. 

The reason I posted this originally is for me this behavior proves that it's not that these Ns are incapable of doing what is loving (at least outwardly), such as hugs, and statements of affection...but for some reason, they choose who is deigned to receive it.  In my niece's case, she is my mom's only grandchild.  Part of the problem is my mom could not cope with the fact that when my brother married, he married into another family and that there are TWO sets of grandparents, not just one.  So, I think when she makes such statements to my niece, it is to reinforce the fact that she, and she alone, holds a special place for my niece.  No one else matters.

But it still hurts to watch.  What I wouldn't have given to get a hug from my mom when I was a kid or told that I was special.  It is indeed growing up feeling so "not special" that has caused me so many problems.  Forunately, my niece has awesome parents who show her an abundance of love in many healthy ways.    But still......it aches to see those exchanges sometimes.  Sometimes it hurts to not ever have gotten any kind of affection or interest or respect from your mother.

At least I'm not alone in this.  Seems to be a common behavior with Nparents/grandparents.

Thanks for sharing your stories and responding.