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On Discovering the SELF..

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CC:
That was me CC above, I don't understand thought I was logged in??

nihil:
Hello again CC,

Concerning that Halloween party comment : I can totally relate to that. I have often organized "discussion meetings" at my place where I would invite friends and aquaintances over to have discussions on various philosophical, psychological or sociological issues. Every time I felt stuck up and was always wondering if people were having a good time. I always ended up feeling dissatisfied if anyone left with less than a radiant expression of total bliss on their face.

I am extremely empathic, the sight or mention of pain raises my blood pressure and I start to choke, almost literally. Putting everyone's comfort before mine has always been my way of acting. Therefore I was the perfect N-target. Starting from my parents, my first real close friend, a business associate, an 11 year marriage then a one year fling with a psychopathic narcissist (which broke up my marriage, my family, and almost killed me)... There's a pattern there for me to understand.

I have now cut off any toxic relationships left in my life (in fact, almost all my relationships - friends, workplace aquaintances, and now unfortunately my parents), and have installed a heavy-duty N-detector in my brain. But this isolation is painful and I find myself to be grappling with my own deficiencies and failures. I feel that I shouldn't expose anyone to who I am until I feel confident enought that I can establish relationships on equal terms, with a dose of healthy distance between others and myself. I have to relearn who I really am, and control my emotions and compulsiveness.

The idea of redeveloping your identity through your professional endeavors sounds good to me. But I always thought that having one's sense of self rely on one's professional profile is quite limited. Now I am not suggesting that that is what you are doing. In fact, I quite understand your need to redefine yourself in that manner without the "damaged goods" label stuck on you and moving away from pathologizing every aspect of your life.

Professional success is important. It validates us and gives us means to accomplish ourselves materially (which is not evil in itself) but I think that it is a facet of a more complex self. I have to balance my identity with who I think I am, who I think others think I am, my parental responsibilities, my social duties, my artistic inclinations and my search for meaning. All this while trying to let the different voices in my head hold a healthy dialog. Fear, strength, detachment, experience, subconsious and inexplainable entities are all vying for attention from my consciousness and are fighting to grapple my will. What I am trying to do now is to let those voices express themselves freely, let them vent and then let the other voices express themselves in a balanced peaceful inner environment. I try not to get carried away by one of those voices. I am vying for completeness.

I think that this is my life's struggle : balance. Morbid imagination vs love of life, pessimism vs eternal hope, self-criticism vs loving who I am. External influence has always played an excessive role in this quest so I am trying to build a protective area in my head where I can be clear from outside influences and where I can take time to decide what's in my best interest, according to my fundamental values, my lifelong engagements (ie. : my daughters) and what my soul tells me is right. I believe there is deeper meaning to life than this whole masquerade which we label "reality" and the experiences I have had with narcissists and psychopaths will help me get there.

I know this sounds like grandiosity, vanity and what not. Thing is though, I believe that life is much more than what we are led to believe and that finding out it's hidden meaning is fundamental to my happiness. By the way, I am an atheist and am also very wary of religions, new age philosophies and pre-packaged spirituality. There must be a meaning to all of this... Maybe this is just another mind trap and I'm setting myself up again... Argh... there's just no certainty in me anymore... Well I guess that's a certainty...

Anyway... thinking out loud...

I appreciate the opportunity you have given me to express my thoughts. With respect,  

nihil

CC:
Nihil said


--- Quote ---I have to relearn who I really am, and control my emotions and compulsiveness
--- End quote ---


When you figure it out, will you please clue me in?? :lol:

This is my biggest problem too - and particularly with my Nmom.  Most of what gets me into trouble with her is my constantly giving her more information than I should (perhaps in an attempt for closeness or acceptance) and then it is used as ammo against me at a later date.

This is hard for people who are intuitively empathetic.  And many of us, children of Ns, are just that way.  We are capable of intimacy, our Nparents were/are not.  We want to share everything with everyone - But correct me if I'm wrong, some of it is an unconscious attempt for admiration and love that we did not receive.  So we come full circle, don't we..

I look forward to hearing about your progress in this specific area.  I am just now going to start practicing restraint (not telling my mom financial, emotional or other details about myself) when I see her this Friday.  I cannot completely cutoff  my relationship with this elderly woman, nor do I necessarily want to .  But I must learn how to disengage more emotionally - especially since I see her once a week. The irony is, even SHE says I tell everyone everything about me, and nothing is sacred.

I am conflicted about this though, because if we are consciously restraining my emotions and speech - isn't this a form of voicelessness? On the other hand, we are protecting ourselves from further manipulation and retaliation.  We are empowered by not reacting.  It is so confusing..

You are not at all being grandiose or vain in your discussion of the "bigger picture".  I think you articulate beautifully something that many people don't take time to ponder - or think but don't speak of because of their religiously affiliated guilt.. Anyway, we could have a discussion on a philisophical level, but that's for another message board!  :wink:

nihil:
Hello CC,

We seem to be going through the same struggles simultaneously. There's not much I can give you in terms of advice right now. I am in a state of confusion, pain, fear, but I am also going through some moments of deep realization of what's really going on inside and outside of myself. I feel that I have reached a deeper level of understanding - this is a process which will continue for my whole life, I know this now.

Concerning my parents, I face the same dilemna. They were not very cruel, mostly absent and indifferent to my identity. They had (and still have) very poignant issues to deal with. But now I realize that they have their own path to trod. There's not much I can do for them except than to deal fairly with them and show them love. I am not their problem. So I try to do what your trying, I say little, listen to them and keep my problems for myself. I see them once a week also (they are the grandparents of my daughters and they treat them fairly well).

I think I am at a stage where I have to rediscover self, set up boundaries and learn to work on who I am alone. I am sort of "toning down" outside reality right now. I avoid humans, I read alot, I think, I write and I work to solve issues. I am considering therapy but I don't know of what kind and who with. It might be a valuable help, not sure about it yet though.

What helps me right now the most is isolation and creativity. I compose music, I perform, I write poetry, I work hard, and I try to take really good care of my daughters (going out, being attentionate, doing homework, being patient, cooking good meals, etc). I feel that I have alot of time to catch up with them (since I was so absent myself before that - absent to them, but more tragically absent to myself).

Anyway, thinking out loud again.

Here's a link to a text which might help you (found it today), it's about building a spiritual immunity system and building behaviour to help you face the psychospiritual chaos brought about by this mad reality and it's dangerous inhabitants (narcissists, psychopaths and such).

http://www.spiritreleasement.org/intro/protection.html

Here's one about breaking up with a narcissist :

http://www.jungcircle.com/stew.htm

I hope my words help (and the texts), I know yours do. Take care,

nihil

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