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On Discovering the SELF..

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Neko:
seeker, I can really relate to what you said:

--- Quote ---This is one of the things I struggle with all the time. The "who do you think you are?" voice in my head that keeps me small and invisible. I was known in my career to be an excellent quiet worker. I did the job well. Period. But deep down I wanted to be recognized for it but couldn't toot my horn because I was conditioned not to. My Ndad would tell me I was "willful" or "self-serving" or roll his eyes. When presented with a good report card, my mom would tell me, "yes, we know we don't have to worry about you."
--- End quote ---


The good, quiet worker who wants to be noticed but won't toot her own horn - describes me to a T! :shock: Though I work as a translator, I do my best work as an editor - "perfecting" things for the really tough-to-please clients. Just like you, as a kid I'd bring home great report cards, and all I'd get was "oh, no need for us to worry about you." No praise, no smiles, just indifference. My parents didn't even attend awards ceremonies - "well, that's to be expected from you. You always want to be noticed by everyone. Why don't you try failing a class sometime? It would be good for your character."

My editing, unfortunately, gets me about the same thing, because it's always those persnickety clients who request that extra "perfection" for their translations. The worst is when, in a 50-page document, they point out one - count it, one - typo and complain. Then there are the translators I'm supposed to give feedback to - some are quite open to that, many aren't. It doesn't matter how careful and non-judgemental I am, if I find a clear, major mistake (happens rarely, but it does happen), they'll get on my case for telling them. So I'm caught between clients who'll complain about the most minor of things, and a few translators who refuse to even consider the idea that they might make big mistakes that need corrected. (Just a note: I only care about mistakes when I work. Mistakes outside of that really do not bother me, I make plenty myself!)

The agencies I work for assume that since I'm reserved and busy most of the time, they don't need to tell me "job well done", so I rarely hear it. The compliment is sort of implied, I suppose, since they keep me busy all the time. But like you, I'd so love to hear it :? and yet, whenever I do, I think, "Oh they're just saying that because they want something out of me... are they gonna ask me to work a weekend now?" I've really had to get on my own case a few times and say "just accept the d**ned compliment, for pete's sake!" :)

I've gone off and vented, haven't I? Heh, sorry, always do that!

I too have realized how jealous my Nmom is of me, it's a painful realization. I've also wondered if I'm making it up, too, because of how much my mother and father drilled the "you're a selfish attention-seeker!" criticism into me. If I think my mom's jealous of me, that means there's something to be jealous of, and how dare I think I'm so much better than someone that they be jealous of me, etc. etc. :? And yet it's obvious... my mother hates everything about me that she doesn't have. Even my brother's come to see that, especially when he had a serious girlfriend - he got to experience our mother's jealous wrath firsthand :(

CC:
Hi Neko,

Thanks for sharing your feelings about your mom with us.  Its really good that you vented, especially since you said you tend to be the quiet one.  I'm sorry you don't get the praise you deserve. For what its worth, I think you are an excellent writer, communicative and grammatically correct!  (I didn't see any typos either :lol: ).  It is interesting the connection that you made with your job and (an important "behind the scenes" career).  Seems almost indicative of how your mom made you feel... succeeding... but quietly as to not draw attention..  And required perfectionism - something we seemed to all inherit from our Nparents.

My mother is also jealous of my successes, I believe, but her method of thwarting it is to make me feel as if I will never be quite as good as her, or never quite good enough.  She is an expert in every area, and apparently even in those that I have experience in and she has none! Because she is older and considers herself "wiser", she will undoubtedly relate some experience with another person she knows who I can learn more from -or compare some ridiculously miniscule experience that she had that slightly resembles what the subject is :roll:   Just as a couple of examples, my mother never had a career (other than modeling for Penneys catalog when she was 18)  and doesn't have a driver's license, but is constantly giving me advice about cars and business administration (my career area).

My resulting behavior growing up was not as polite as yours, I'm afraid -  always quickly wounded by criticism and constantly (but discreetly) seeking compliments to make me feel better about myself.  This has improved greatly in the last few years with all the realizations of origin and lots of therapy.


Anna and Cathi,

I too agree with the philosophy that we are all EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT EVERY MOMENT.    Thank you for reminding us.  We can take some comfort in that, especially during restless times.

Anna:

--- Quote from: Cathi ---Anna:
I loved this observation of yours.
--- End quote ---


Thanks.  I try very hard to keep a positive outlook without diminishing my voice.  I used to believe that I had to be grateful for every crumb.  Some days I still walk a fine line especially when I'm feeling like that little girl.

Again, thanks for listening and acknowledging --

nihil:
Hello CC,

Concerning your thoughts on why you abandon your projects and can never really finish things up... I was thinking about that today, and I was lead to the idea of a self-defeating purpose set into us by our parents (or spouse). We are brainwashed into believing that whatever enterprise we set up, whatever project we cherish for ourselves cannot come to fruition. We are failures and we should act accordingly. Also, and this is still screwed up in my mind, but what the hell : We self destruct or destroy what we do because then no one can touch us. "I screwed up? I failed? So what! I didn't want this anyway..." There's some really twisted logic at work here.

There are two parts to this faulty logic (in my opinion) :

1. We (I) feel we (I) don't deserve success, we (I) don't deserve accomplishment (brainwashing by our parents).

2. Screwing things up ourselves, self-destructing in other words, prevents us from taking the full responsibility of our engagements. Sure I screwed up, but no one can touch me. I put myself down faster than anyone else can do it. It's an inverted "wishful thinking" formula.

What I am writing about right now is only intuitive. I am just starting on this road to self-knowledge and pattern recognition. Anyway, hope it helps, and in any case, I already know that what I am writing sucks, so don't bother criticizing...  :P  

nihil

Anonymous:
Hi There, just checking in to see the latest responses on this thread.  Welcome nihil, I believe you to be a newcomer.  I think your intuition is correct about the two areas of faulty logic. The problem is, they are subconscious 'reactions'.  As indicated in the book I am currently reading - which by the way I recommend highly - "If You Had Controlling Parents" - the voice inside saying those 'you will fail' things is referred to as the internalized parents.  We can disengage physically from our Nparents, but to ignore the internalized parents is an entirely different task.  I have yet to read the part of this book that tells you how - I hope it will shed some light on changing!  

I don't know about you all, but even after a couple of years of hard work and healing I still struggle with understanding what I am really feeling at the moment - if the feelings are MINE or those that my parents instilled in me.  Sometimes I feel as if I am outside of my own body - watching myself act instead of BEING and FEELING.

An example is coming up right now. My husband and I are talking about having a halloween costume party.  Every time I have a party, I obsess about everything from the house being completely decorated to serving a ridiculous spread of gourmet food. Subconsciously (or now, more consciously  :oops: ) I have always needed to have people leave with the feeling that I can throw a party like no one else-competitive that my house has to be the "nicest".  I know on some level I'm seeking admiration and validation (everyone always raves about the food and decorating, and for a moment there is the "yes, CC you ARE a good girl" that my inner child seeks - the approval junkie as the seeker mentioned).  

Friends offer to bring things, but I tend to decline because the Nperfectionist in me thinks I can do it better (sorry  :oops: ) And usually, the entertainment we provide is so exhausting that I don't enjoy myself because I am too worried about how everything is presented - then at the end of the night when everyone is ready to leave I start drinking to relax and want everyone to stay longer  :roll:


But some of it I really enjoy (I think??)  I am passionate about food, and really would like to share this passion with friends - and I am forcing myself to be a little more social per my therapist's recommendation.  I want to be more genuine with my friends.  I know on a cognitive level I don't need to impress them (they're already impressed - I want them to see more of the real me, whatever that is!). But Separating childhood needs from what my true current feelings are -from what truly makes me happy - no success.. I really don't know how to do this.

I have often visualized myself throwing one dinner party a month, with just a few couples and a different theme (Asian, Hawaiian, French, etc.) talking about it for over two years but I keep putting it off because the idea overwhelms me.. I can't do anything halfway so I feel compelled to be extravagant and it seems like too much work  :lol:

I don't have any special method for dealing with this halloween party situation, but this time I have awareness that I have not have for the precedents.  I thought perhaps I would write down what I would normally do for a party like this, and then try to cross off half of what's on the list and go with that. I will only make things I can make a day ahead, and serve at room temp. Don't know if it will work, but I'm willing to give it a go.  

Echo, I loved your garden reference.  I too, enjoy the garden. I feel as if I am a healthy rosebush that has thorns and leaves but just can't seem to come to bloom.  I feel lost, inside myself.. where am I?  I know you have felt this way too.

Signalfire, I looked for that book "writing the mind alive" at the library, there was no listing.  Would you tell me the author's name so I can look on Amazon or something?  Would really appreciate it..

Kind of getting chit-chatty so I'd better sign off, love and peace to all of you. Thanks for your support as always.

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