Learned something about the board

[Overcomer]

Thank you Am-you were one of the only ones who have my a squeeze mentally and if I remember correctly someone told you not to do it.  It was the lowest point I have had in a long while and I was VERY raw.  I have been through a good bit over the last couple months.  Death.  Move.  Surgery.  Sudden engagement and marriage of D.  Retail in Dec.  Alcoholic H.  A staff party today at MY HOUSE and the reception.  It tidal waved me and I lost it!  Borderline Personality?  Ok.  If the shoe fits.

[Certain Hope]

Kelly,

I agree with Hops about what's happening here with you... and I agree with her because I feel and sense and know it happens within me, myself. This is not about the board at all... it is about you.

What Hops is suggesting is what I am having to practice within myself, because I can wake up one day and feel really, truly miserable. I can feel so poorly about everything that I don't even want to pray or seek God or do anything else which I KNOW would help. Why?

That is the question. Why. I think it's because getting stuck in that old loop becomes an habitual practice and despite the learning of new techniques and styles of thinking, THOSE take practice, too - - to get them firmly in place so they become habitual, in place of the old ways.

Blaming stinks, Kelly...  I know it does because I am often tempted to do it and unless somebody shakes me out of it, I may sink farther withinto that muck... and that is no help at all.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Hops-wow!  I had heard that before but when you said it it clicked!  I blame my mom for everything!  I need to take responsiblity for me.  Not blame her.  My mom suggest I read I HATE YOU DONT LEAVE ME.  Does anyone here think I display borderline personality disorder?  I wanted to blame my mom not take on some new label-but maybe.  I really do not know what that means.  I guess I should google it and find out more.

[Certain Hope]

Kelly,

No, I don't think you are BPD... and I know what trying to someone with BPD feels like.

Carolyn

[Ami]

NOOOO,Kelly. Don't put on THAT shoe! You are overwhelmed.You have had too many life situations hit you at the same time. I have marveled at you,in the past ,with your autistic D, new house, selling old house, surgery, NM, other children, D's marriage, alcoholic H.
Kelly, the strongest person ,in the world, would stagger and lose it under these conditions.
 It is hard for us(with NM's) to value our pain and honor our emotions.
  I am going through the VERY same thing,now. I am not honoring my body OR my emotions.I have to ask people if it is OK to feel "whatever".
 I see how disconnected I have become from my own core. It is scary, but it is the truth and the truth is always better than a
"pretty" lie.
  I think that you are not honoring your own feelings and life stresses,Kelly. Even when you said that you should not "complain" b/c of what *I* was going through, that was an abdication of YOUR own pain, b/c mine was worse. I do this ,all the time, too. It is not good at all. It is part of throwing ourselves away.
  I did this with my issues with my parents. I was minimizing my own pain with my F  b/c he was not as bad as some other F's on the board.
 That might be true, BUT they were bad enough to almost destroy me. I do that with my H. I have many things to be grateful for ,but that does not mean that I could lose my desire to live,by being  in a relationship with my H.
  We learned not to value ourselves, Kelly. I see that as your main problem. Compost what does not fit, Friend.       Love    Ami

[Gaining Strength]

OC - Just like Nism, you can exhibit borderline traits without being borderline.  With regards to your mother I do think you have a tendancy to exhibit borderline traits.  I do with both of my parents.  I want to go NC but I also want them to act like other non-n parents.

The borderline trait that you seem to exhibit is that one day you have resolved to let go of your mother and then next day you are enmeshed with her and that pattern repeats frequently.  One day it is "I hate her." and the next day "I am trying to work things out."

Do you recognize that pattern?

[Certain Hope]

OC - Just like Nism, you can exhibit borderline traits without being borderline.  With regards to your mother I do think you have a tendancy to exhibit borderline traits.  I do with both of my parents.  I want to go NC but I also want them to act like other non-n parents.

The borderline trait that you seem to exhibit is that one day you have resolved to let go of your mother and then next day you are enmeshed with her and that pattern repeats frequently.  One day it is "I hate her." and the next day "I am trying to work things out."

Do you recognize that pattern?

This is what I see, as well, Kelly.

I feel that you are still so drawn to what you see as the benefits of association with your mother that it's tearing you in two.

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Dear Kelly,

Hops, GS and Carolyn, absolutely agree with, and the "I hate you" today, and "I'm going to work at it" tomorrow.

Exhibiting certain Traits, at any one time, is totally different, and not to be confused with, having a PD

for example;

I posted on N arcissitic traits

and

the NPD full blown diagnosed disorder. 

Huge real difference.

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

Thank you Carolyn and GS and as always, Ami:  

GS-I know you know how I feel.  We both have wealthy parents and we stand to lose a lot if we go NC.  Some people have said the mental angst is not worth it and it is VERY frustrating.  But I figure I have given enough of my life away that I earned a little bit of the rewards in the future.  I can continue to be a part of her life (I think) but try to distance myself.  The problem I see is that my PMS times cloud my judgment and reason.  Every single time I have an episode like last week, I can tie it to hormones.  It IS a roller coaster ride that I cannot seem to get off of.

I do hate her a lot.  The problem is I cannot control her and that is frustrating to me.  Sounds crazy, doesn't it?  It is not that I want to control HER....it is that I want to control her when it comes to me.  But that will not happen so I continue to hit my head against a brick wall.  I think I am doing ok and then she says something as simple as "no, she is your daughter not mine....."  After telling me not to rain on their parade and I didn't have a budget on my wedding.....................that simple interchange through me off the deep end.  Hormonal?  I guess.  Irrational, yes!!!

But then just when I want to drop kick her, she says something nice.  Almost like luring me back in for the next kill.

I googled malignant optimism and I KNOW I have that.  I always forgive.  My drunken husband?  I am on my way to divorce court and he comes up and says he is sorry and gives me a hug and I overlook the months and years of drunkenness.

The dance my mom and I do?  It IS a dance.  She pushes my button, I push hers.

That is why over the years I have tried so many times to get another job.  That is why I am so psyched about my new business.  Every time I see a way out from the financial strings my mom has over me.  I keep thinking......."If I can earn enough money, I can sever those ties with her....."  People tell me to sever them now.  And I am trying.  But then, let's plan a reception with NO budget...afterall we cannot rain on the kids' parade.................so I say to her.........then show me the money!!!!

I think when she became wealthy she managed to control the whole families lives.  Everyone goes to her for money.  But with that comes obligation, therefore, CONTROL.  She gets to call the shots even if she is past the shot calling age......

That is another frustration to me.  I can see her losing her edge with age and probably dementia.  But she won't give it up.  So time tics and I know I could run the business better than she.....but she won't give it up.  So as I age I realize that she is stealing my opportunity to run a successful business.  That stinks.  There was an article in a trade magazine that spotlighted 40 people in our industry who are 40 years old and below.  I said to her.........see, even in our industry standards I am not even considered young anymore and you still will not let me have a chance to have my day in the sun.  That is because she cannot stand to lose her edge and wants her day in the sun to continue.....so in essense she is robbing me....at least that is how I feel.

So if you call that blaming, I guess it is.  I could go get another job but this is what I know.  I also know I know it better than she does but she has so much invested in the business that she does not trust anyone so she stays and further drives it into the ground.

Oh, well, I hear you ALL!  I will try to realize that I need to get up from that table and not play the game.  I loved that thread about the zen master, etc.  If I choose to get up and not play the game, then I guess I will win by not playing...

[Certain Hope]

Kelly,

I just feel that you place a curse on yourself by continually comparing yourself to her. Your day in the sun is here now... as you continue doing what you know is right, in your own way and style. You are not a reflection of her and she does not reflect you... unless you allow that.

I wish you could see clearly what she's doing when she speaks of not raining on the "kids' parade"...

the guilt trip she's trying to lay onto you... and succeeding!
The standard to which she's trying to hold you - - is it hers or is it your own standard? That's what you need to discern.

If it is indeed "the kids' parade", then I wonder whether anyone has asked the kids what it is that they want?

Love,
Carolyn

[Overcomer]

I totally believe in curses.  I do not want to compare myself to her because I think she is a toxic self absorbed N who lucked into wealth.  I do not think she is even that smart.  The Bible even says not to be jealous of the wicked.  She just spent all my life trying to push me down while she was on a quest for self actualization. 

[Certain Hope]

Kelly,

I believe that as you take a close look into how you, yourself, define the terms of "success" - for you, yourself -
you will be able to break free from her hold over you, once and for all.

Love,
Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Success is a mental state and you would not believe how I used to be!  You think I fall into the dance now?  you should have seen me six years ago.  My angst was tenfold!

[Gaining Strength]

Success is definitely a mental state.  I am so glad that you are much further down the road than you were six years ago.  That always gives me hope when I look back and see how far I have already come.  I know you will grow much farther OC.  Perhaps you need to rest where you are for a while.  Perhaps the struggle you are dealing with right now needs more strugglling. 

I always wish you the best.   - GS

[Hermes]

I fully echo Hops' post.  Makes so much sense.

Hope you are feeling a bit better Overcomer.  I have nothing to add to the many supportive posts you have received on this, and on the earlier thread.

Hermes