Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What bait does your N use?
les:
Hi Flower and all. What a good question and boy do I relate to it all. My 91 year old mother recently told me about an "insight" she had. She said that she now realized that the way to get people to do the things you want them to do is with honey. It took me awhile as it always does ( the black widow spider syndrome - stung, paralysed, witless, sucked dry) to figure out that this really was just a variation on the same old theme-'how can I get what I want when I want it.' But I was actually somewhat relieved initially because I thought it might mean an end to the bullying and guilt tripping. Honey is just another quiver in her bow, another gun in her arsenal. She has a pillow with an embroidered message, "Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids coming around." Would be funny in "normal" circumstances.
Today I am wrestling with whether to go see her or not. She has been "dying" for so long (meanwhile playing golf etc) that I don't know what's real and what's not. She did have a small stroke 2 years ago and that is always hanging in the air. Biweekly trips to doctors and specialists reveal that she is in remarkable shape. I suppose the, what if she died and I didn't do enough.... hangs over me, but less and less since coming to the board. We all die. I do keep asking myself what is fair and reasonable behaviour in these circumstances - old woman needs a sense of family and help - just work it out day by day.
So what does she use --- the threat of stroke, death, the lure of money oodles of poor me and bad you.
Les
Singer:
--- Quote from: les ---
Today I am wrestling with whether to go see her or not. She has been "dying" for so long (meanwhile playing golf etc) that I don't know what's real and what's not. She did have a small stroke 2 years ago and that is always hanging in the air. Biweekly trips to doctors and specialists reveal that she is in remarkable shape. I suppose the, what if she died and I didn't do enough.... hangs over me, but less and less since coming to the board.
--- End quote ---
Wow, Les. Sounds so similar to what I've been dealing with except my mother is "only" 79. But there will be no honey forthcoming; my mother has said that she doesn't give a damn what happens to anyone in the family, or outside of it for that matter, either now or after she's gone. At the same time she seems obsessed with everyone. She's so filled with rage and contradictions that I had suspected Alzheimers, but her doctor says her mind is strong and there's absolutely no sign of it.
--- Quote ---We all die. I do keep asking myself what is fair and reasonable behaviour in these circumstances - old woman needs a sense of family and help - just work it out day by day.
--- End quote ---
It is day by day. I feel fortunate though in that there's really nothing she can do to hurt me anymore. My children are grown and she has just enough money to keep her comfortable for the rest of her life, but nothing more than that.
Mostly I'm just trying to figure out what happened and is happening with my original family. There are so many questions. Mostly about what's real and what isn't on an emotional level. For me emotions have always been a minefield.
Singer
BlueTopaz:
--- Quote ---My question: What do your N unloving ones use for bait in your life to reel you back in?
--- End quote ---
My N encounter was not with a parent, but with a significant other.
A major problem was his distancing (in hurtful ways ) at the 3 mnth. mark. The intimacy growth that would occur beyond that point brought up all his inner stuff & caused him severe inner pain & anxiety. So, he'd distance & we'd start from a place of less intimacy again, until it got to the 3 mnth. break point again. This happened over, & over & over....
He'd attempt to reel me back after distancing, by saying all of these wise, seemingly introspective comments. He'd realized this, & that now... An old & familiar story for so many who have dating non committal men, I'm sure.
He knows that I am very inner growth oriented & so he would ask me a whole bunch of questions on the topic, as well. Like he'd taken some huge interest in the subject
He also attempted to keep me hooked during distancing, by ambivalence, as strange as that would seem. You'd think it would be a driving away force. The ambivalence equaled hope to me. At least it wasn't over & maybe we would work it through, was my rationalized mind set.
He knew this very well, and we were in a perpetual state of ambivalence for 4 out of the 5 years, I'd say!
Max:
Flower
Thanks for your post. I feel really bad for your father and alarmed that I could be him in the future if I don't get out of this. My daughters don't want anything to do with their mother either. It's too bad your father can't wake up.
The bait my N always throws at me - and it worked for years - was to pretend to be interested in something that was important to me, then either trash it or trash my talent in it. For example, pretending to be interested in gardening - then telling me I was wasting money, time and "it looks ugly anyway".
Max
les:
What a topic this is. All the posts are so interesting and insightful. I would like to comment on all of them but will limit myself and try to keep my post to under a page!...Maybe being way too sensitive here but never want anyone to feel that they weren't heard!
I think Singer, you mentioned that you are trying to work out the impact of it all on you and your original family. (hey using colour is fun) How are your relationships with any brothers and sisters?
The rage that you and others refer to - the need to diminish everyone else; my mother can't seem to find a kind word about anyone. One day my husband just said he wasn't going to listen to it anymore and she has improved a little since then - perhaps just finding more devious ways to convey her thoughts. Such bitterness these people carry around - in mother's case I think she expected to be continuously worshipped throughout her life and when it didn't happen (although I was left with the job and gave it a really good go!) she turned to trashing others - all part of the N way of behaving I guess. I am amazed and impressed that you can feel love for your mother Singer. I think I am trying to get there, it would make this stage of caretaking easier but "the love" is really deeply buried at the moment!
"the thought of me going on about my business is not acceptable." Does this mean - 'Don't you have a full interesting life because I certainly don't and so you shouldn't either'.- I have always felt I needed to hide anything nice in my life (friends for instance) because of her jealousy.
So true Dawning - N parents deny everything. It seems there is no real chance for them to learn and grow. Attention, attention - they need to be hooked up to an IV full of it.
What a hoot Flower - I think you have a best seller on your hands! I know I'd buy several copies. You remind me also that I must get 'Trapped in the Mirror.' My mother still tells me that she didn't feel anything for my older brother and sister but when I was born it all came together, she felt "love." Iwish I understood this but I think it was simply because I reminded her of herself - dark hair etc. I know it's one of the major things at the root of this ghastly relationship.
Thanks for listening all
Les
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