Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - the authors of the Boundaries books - wrote this one I've been reading...
and I thought that others might be interested in some excerpts and thoughts from it.
The first section discusses the Interpersonal Traits of Unsafe People, beginning with:
1. Unsafe people avoid closeness, instead of connecting.
We were created for intimacy, to connect with others with heart, soul, and mind.
Intimacy occurs when we are open, vulnerable, and honest... for these qualities help us to be close to each other.
We know each other at deep levels when we share our real feelings, fears, failures, and hurts.
This kind of sharing helps us to feel that we are not alone in the world.
(Unsafe people are not willing to share at such deep levels, and so it's recommended to question long term relationships in whichyou don't really get to know the other person.)
"If you spend significant amounts of time with an individual and still feel far away from him/her, something is wrong.
You do not have a connection that's nourishing to the soul.
Furthermore, this can be a signal that real danger is present.
People who are not able to get close often act out their isolation in affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidences and trusts, addictions, and a whole host of other problem dynamics."
In the book, these unsafe people are described as possessing a "vacuum in the inner parts" ... an expression which really struck me, because that's just how it feels, when trying to communicate with someone who has no ability - or desire, even - to connect. They'll take and take and never give back, continually vacuuming your very soul for your agreement, your appreciation, your praise and affirmation... as long as it suits them... and that's the end of the line.
2. Unsafe people are only concerned about "I" instead of "we".
Here the authors use another phrase which truly startled me, but oh, does it ever fit.
In describing a relationship with a basically "nice guy" who shared common interests, it soon became clear that they were not truly connecting. The fact is:
"What I had thought was a relationship was actually auditory mxxsturxxtion" with the author serving as an audience to this other person's conversation with himself! "What an empty experience!!"
More later...
And now it's later... : ) and I realize that I mis-spoke. The first section of this little book is on the personal traits of the unsafe, not the interpersonal traits... but that's okay, the other is fairly obvious, I think, and I can list those later.
To continue re: the unsafe person's primary concern with "I" and not "we"....
Safe people act on their empathy.
If you want to know how safe someone is, ask yourself:
"Is this person with me for herself/himself - - or for us?"
There's such a huge difference between bringing your own needs to a relationship (which is healthy and good!)
and exploiting a relationship for your own needs only.
Look for these warning signs:
a) When he helps me, he uses that later to get something from me.
b) I never hear from her unless she's in trouble.
c) I feel like a mirror, as if my job is to listen and approve!
d) I'm constantly on the giving end - financially, time, resources.
e) When my own needs come up, she treats them superficially and then comes back to herself.
Whenever there's trouble, it will generally show in one person being the chronic "giver" and the other being the chronic "taker".
Love seeks the good of the other; it is not self-seeking. So when you evaluate your relationships, look for people who show genuine concern for your welfare, and then
make that concern known in concrete actions!
