The Pretending Game

[gratitude28]

My mother is the N...
But my father is the one who plays the Pretending Game and the Guess What I Need Or I will Be Sad Game...

When we go to their house, thereis no room for a family of four, besides the fact tht it smells and to move an inch is to knock over a pile of something or step in something filthy. But we must pretend it is fine and fun adn there is nothing out of the ordinary.

In regards to my mother, we are supposed to pretend she is a kind and sweet mother and grandmother.

We pretend that Dad is on a diet, and the daily treats are exceptions...

For the Guessing Game, we are supposed to do what Dad wants by taking hints and making him happy. i.e., we are going out to dinner... Dad wants Korean, but won't say it. We are supposed to know this and go and it will please him.

My dad is the nicer and kinder of my parents, and actually loving. But he has been brought up by a sick woman and married one.

Do you all have Games like this??????

Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

((((((Beth)))))) yes, that whole scenario is sickeningly familiar... practiced in various styles and methods throughout my family, growing up.

It's terrible to feel like you have all that rubbish clinging to you...
I can only say that practicing new ways and positive affirmations, with conscious deliberateness, is the best I know to do... constantly claiming the fact that the way they are need not reflect on who we are now.

Carolyn

[gratitude28]

Thank you, Carolyn. I am actually OK with just about everything nowadays. I still am amazed when I make a realization of this sort, though... and I hope my recognition will help someone else see it as well. Our families are so subtle in their workings that it is sometimes hard t pin down exactly where the problem was/is. I was shocked when my parents last visited and I understood this about my father. I always wonder how we could survivie, believing we were like (or, in their case, better than) other people... and this is part of it.
Thanks again for the affirmation.
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

You're welcome, Beth. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm really okay with all this stuff or is it just that there's not much left that could surprise me. lol. oy.
But then other times, I think... I cannot possibly take another glimpse deeper, another revelation of the magnitude of nonsense...

at this point, I've let another 6 weeks worth of their envelopes pile up. That seems to be about my limit, before the guilt overladens me. These large manilla envelopes are all my dad's doing. Mother only writes a very short note and dad stuffs the envelope with all sorts of odds and ends to make it seem like really quite something. Now that's pretending.

It's very odd, to say the least.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

Last year, there were a group of kids that were horrible, they were constantly fighting, disrespectful, etc. But everybody in the school pretended that they were nice, like denial.

Many marriages live in decieving the outside world, just pretending they are married, and they are not even room mates nor friends.

I used to work in a school in wich the principal was involved with one of the teachers, and that teacher was married with another teacher, that teacher also worked with us in the same school, and everybody pretended not to know anything.

I know a mother who pretended that nothing happened when her children were being abused by her husband.

When I did my internship in a hospital, there was a doctor who had sex with almost all the nurses, and we just left the office when we knew that the nurse in turn came in. Nobody talked about it. We just pretended nothing happened.

Many silenced rules, secret, unspoken rules. Nobody has to tell you.

Except when you are confused and raised by an N mother who isolated you and you do not know the secret rules and you screw up every where.

[Lupita]

and how about the fat woman, who is asking how to get more sexy and you just want to tell her, just lose weight, but she buys more clothe and puts more make up, and the only thing she needs is to lose weight, but nobody tells her.

How about the person that has bad breath and nobody tells her.

I think that the whole world is a farse. Nothing and nobody is real.

Sometimes I think that honesty does not exist.

I have hear so many teachers saying how much they love thier job, when I know for sure they dont.

Everything in this life if pretending. Life is difficult, then you have to pretend it is not, then you die. The end.

[Lupita]

And dont get me started in pretending marriages.

I remember a friend who said, I stay married because who is going to give me the money he gives me. We knew later that she was the one who was giving him money.

My mother was married to my father for 12 years, he was abusive to her and to me, not to my brother and sister. My mother said that she stayed married to him because of our well being. So we could have a father.Yeah, right.

My grand father said that he did not leave my grand mother because of his daughters. They grew up and married, then he said he did not leave her because of the grand children. LOL.

The world is farse.

[Hermes]

Hello Lupita:


I have to agree with a lot of what you say.  People just do not speak up, for some strange reason they have a fear of being honest, or they think that what they say will be taken up the wrong way.  The example of the fat person: people are afraid to tell her to lose some weight in case they are perceived to be criticising her "fatness".  People are just plain scared of saying anything.  Outspoken people get a bad press LOL.

All the best
Hermes

[Overcomer]

Our family takes the cake.  All my life we have pretended to be the perfect Christian family.  Although my bro and I have pretty much blown that fasade.  My mom and aunt do not have any friends and I used to not.  Just a bunch of acquaintances.  It is like the family is our only friends.  I think my mom does not want anyone to get too close so they can see how it really is.

[Ami]

What a thread!
 With my parents,now, I can be honest, strangely enough. On my M's last visit, I got' in her face" and told ALL--about N and everything else I needed to say. She recieved it and started to treat me with respect. IF she violates me, which she does, I get" in her face,"  and tell her that she won't be in my life ,if she can't treat me right.
 I did that the other  night.
  I think that my experience is  unusual. My M, a therapist, may have learned s/thing along the way from  ALL   those psycholgy books.Also, she has been in Al-Anon for 14 years b/c of my B's drug addiction.She needed to know that she would be "out" if she couldn't  treat me right. *I* needed to know that I deserved respect and kindness.
 

 

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

Again, I admire your openness and honesty.  You may not say what people wish to hear, nonetheless, it is the truth.

> Pretence

> Patronizing

> Denial

Is all about False Self, and being False, wearing a mask, to appease, and appear pleasant, to the eye, or ear.

All of which, is Shallowness, empty vanity, outwardly displayed.

They will tell you that they cannot help it, cannot stop doing it; but, is that true?

Has nothing to do with life and living, rather, quite the opposite.

That's it you see, the hidden rule is; "speaking what the other wants to hear"  In essence, it's all a Lie, which breathes foul.

As opposed to, being real, being authentic, speaking life enhancing, honesty (with consideration), which breathes life in itself.

Such is the real difference.

Love, Leah


> The Game of Pretending ~~~ is an Act.

[Lupita]

Lea, you could not put it ine better words.

It is like you read my mind and translated in to words.

[Leah]

Thanks, Lupita

As you may have gathered, Falseness, is, and always has been, somewhat of a thorn in my side.  Games of Pretence.

Seen too much hurt and pain, done against others, and also, have personally endured.

Leah

[Leah]

(((( Beth ))))

Sincere empathy and understanding, as I had to endure Games of Pretence with my FOO.  One most recent example, some time ago now, is when doing the garden for my NM and she would not tell me where to plant out.  I would say, patiently, "where would you like this plant?" to which I would receive a continual response of "I'm not saying"  which she kept up till dusk, then told me to go home, as it was getting dark, with strict orders for the following day.  The Game was, to extend the process, to control my time, to control the entire event, for her own personal gratification.

Together, we could write a book, I would think.

Thoughts of you,

Leah

[gratitude28]

Yes, Leah, that sounds about right - your example. I bet we could write a book - an awful one - lol. I think you hit it on the button when you said the game is 'control.' Not allowing you to know what sheeds is a way of keeping you jumping and concerned... blech...

Lupita, Wow, I hit a button for you. I hope it will give you a chance to examine how this idea controls you. Do you think it does somewhat? There IS a lot of falsity... and in all the areas you mentioned. How and why do people do this? A lot of it is to make excuses for their rotten choices (yor mom must have felt or known she did wrong, but gave her excuse to you as an explanation so that she could allay her guilt). As for school, the games are ridiculous. Some kids need to be told, 'You are screwing up and you are doing it to yourself. Grow up.' But no one does this. They instead create a new program to make the student 'feel good about himself.' Lupita, I felt better about life when I became honest with myself. And it made me stronger. For most of my life I lied to myself. Once I owned up to my real intentions an behaviors, I was less upset about others'. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but that is one thing that helped me.

Ami,  sounds like you are usinhonesty and 'tough love' and it has had a positive outcome for you!!!!!! Kudos!!!!!!

Hermes, I think there is a difference between honesty and tact too. If you let the fat person know because you want him/her to be healthy and happier, then your honesty (nicely approached) should not be faulted. It is annoying, for sure, to have a person complain outright about the one thing he COULD change. That is when it is a game. And I don't think the person is open to lstening then, no matter what you say.

Carolyn (((((((((((((((()))))))))))))), good luck opening the envelopes. I say I am good with things, but once in a while I still get blindsided. As you sid, you think you know it all, and they still get to you!!!

Thanks everyone for continuing the topic and bringing up some really good ideas... It helps me so much when I can pick these things out and realize I am not imagining it all.

Love, Beth