Voicelessness and Needlessness As Power?

[Bella_French]

So I feel that choosing not to speak because of using foresight and experience can be skillful and wise and making a choice not to be reactive or to lash out.  I guess to me the difference is - do I know what I think and feel??  If I do, then it's okay to decide not to share.  But to me that is a very different place than being so squashed, so blighted, so intimidated that you are beyond despair about having a thought or feeling in the first place because of being in a place of just - wrongness.  Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I'm writing too vaguely?

That makes perfect sense Iphi; so well said! I love your post too; I haven't seen so much of you lately? Its nice when you're around!

I think there is some confusion regarding what to do with our new, stronger, voices when we finally have them. Some people feel that they should be able to `be authentic' around their families of origin , and then when that authenticity is met with the normal aggressive N reactions -rejection, hostility, abuse- then they become outraged and reject their family.

I have thought about it. But I also know that my family is complex and will probably not change, not really. My mother is an N, and the reason I developed the voice I did as a child was because it was the best form of communication to have with an N; with her specifically. It was a voice that minimized abuse, and afforded me the maximum amount of freedom within the bounds of her personality and power over my life.

She no longer has that power. Once I realized that I could, and would abandon her if necessary, I decided that I wouldn't. I recognized that I love her, and understand her pain, and want the best for her.

I can be assertive, I can be authentic, and I am strong (but also weak). Some of that has crept into my relationship with my mother. For example, she senses my strength by the way I do not allow myself to be manipulated by her, and i minimize contact. And there is *a little* room for me expressing my needs, and getting them met (it all comes down to language).

But I am not `the real me ' around her. To be honest, I am not `the real me' around most people. I am only fully transparent under very specific conditions, such as an intimate relationship or long term friendship.

I am not 100% sure about what the ideal contact level is with any N; I expect it is fluid, and depends on the individual and how much power the have in your life.

Anyway thanks for listening; I really appreciate this topic Violet!

X bella

[Overcomer]

Yes Vi-I can see a similar dynamic between my mom and I.  I try to set boundaries and am successful most of the time.  Sometimes I fall into a dance which is VERY dysfunctional!  But sometimes I play a game where I play her.  I even find me gas lighting HER.  If I see her slip at all-I jump on it and am VERY quick to point it out.  I am always trying to dis credit her-I just want so much to take her down as revenge of what she has done to me.

[Certain Hope]

To everyone,

This is really an awesome thread... so full of honesty and wisdom. Thank you, Violet, for beginning it!

 With winter storms bearing down, our little town is practically closed today...and what a blessing to be able to catch up on reading here. I really have nothing to add at this point, just wanted to express appreciation and say that I relate so strongly to much of what's been said - - this is one of those to which I'll return, time and again, I think.

Oh, just realized...
With the extra time (likely a 4-day weekend) I need to clear away the stack of 6-7 weekly envelopes from my parents, lest they accumulate further...
For once, I'd like to accomplish that without the sense of urgent "shoulds"... without the triggers while reading... without the swirling thoughts and memories which follow... with dignity and contented peace.

... Bella, just realized that I do not think I'm ready to give up the notion of being authentic with my new voice around my parents. And even as I write that, I recognize what's attached to that is... still wanting them to know me. Thank you for helping me see, just now, what is the hook there. For me to read their letters while treating them (emotionally) as aquaintances is not to be less than authentic... or disingenuous. I can determine myself to be an authentic near-stranger to them - which is, in effect, the case. Okay, well - I say that I can make that determination, but clearly that's easier said than done. Nonetheless, that is what I think needs to be practiced.
I can be as genuine and open and emotionally guarded from them as I would be with any stranger/potentially unsafe persons.
Praying I can wade through their correspondence with that attitude of heart and mind, considering this to be practical experience at guarding my mind and heart around people who don't really want to know me.

Thanks again!


With love,
Carolyn