help with a NPD mom

[acofnpdmom]

Hi everyone - this is my first post.  I've been a reader for years and it's been really helpful.  I'm an adult child of a NPD mother.  I've learned to deal with her the best way I know how -- therapy, distance (500 miles of it), allowing controlled and limited involvement in my life and being firm.  I know it's harsh but that's the best way for me to keep healthy ... it took too many years for me to learn. 

I am getting married and this has allowed her to be more involved in my life a LOT more now (trying to keep it as limited as possible).  For the most part it's been okay, however, this past weekend she exploded over something minor.  This is typical of her. It was really bad.  Knowing her patterns, I am worried that this is going to get progressively worse throughout the next 8 months and possibly be an issue at the actual wedding. 

Any suggestions on how to deal with her now and in the next 8 months keep this from being really bad?  Next to not allowing her to come, I don't know what to do.  My fiance just doesn't understand because he didn't grow up with her.  I have no siblings to even run interference.  What do I do?  I fear I won't be able to survive my own wedding.  She's already sucked all the joy out of planning.  I'm miserable at a time when I thought I would be spilling over with happiness.

[Iphi]

Hi aco and welcome to active posting.   

I empathize with your situation and particularly the aftermath of a blow-up.  Ugh, it's awful.

How actively involved is your mom in the wedding planning?  Will the wedding be in her town or yours?  How are you paying for it  - I mean - is she paying any or all of it?

Is she currently threatening, bullying, blackmailing or extorting you about wedding issues such as threatening not to come or some other toxic tactic?

I'm trying to get a handle on where you are with things. 

When we planned our wedding we planned it in our own town, not my dad's and didn't consult him on details.  This was probably easier from the perspective of him, as a guy and a cerebral N, not taking any interest in any of the plans, which are not his kind of thing to care about.  But I just think the less involved she would be in any planning or choices, the better for you.  It's great you live so far away.

[Violet]

Dear acofnpdmom,
Since this is only my 3rd post, I wanted to chime in with a welcome.  I can only offer a sympathetic hug and hopeful "hang in there" because I don't have an answer for you otherwise.  I know my Nmom wrote me off after my first divorce, I had shamed the family, and when I remarried the son of a wealthy, pillar of the community scion, she miraculously re-accepted me and ingratiated herself into the wedding planning (everything but offering any financial help or actual resources like time, etc.).  She actually ruined my wedding for me but thankfully we left the town and moved far, far away.  Thank God for that, my contact with her has been exactly as you state with your own Nm, you said:

"I've learned to deal with her the best way I know how -- therapy, distance (500 miles of it), allowing controlled and limited involvement in my life and being firm."

Since I can easily be caught off guard by her and fall under her entrancing spell, one thing I have learned to do is NOT allow her to force me to make any decisions or commit to anything EVER on the spur of the moment, instead I say something like, "well, let me think that one over and get back with you" or something, then I sit quietly and think the whole thing through and/or seek out guidance from wise, trusted sources, write down all my non-negotiables, and also write down my strong verbal responses to her BEFORE I get back with her on the phone.  This seems to be working pretty well, although I can tell it frustrates her no end.  Hope that can help a bit, if you have not tried it yet.

Cheers, Violet

[Ami]

Dear Friend
 I  got a  sinking feeling ,as I read your post. It seems that your M will try to ruin your wedding and escalate her beahaviors  ,as the time draws near. I hate to say this,but I am expressing my honest viewpoint.
 She is not doing it to try to hurt you. She is just trying to control her own shame. It manifests in very 'crazy making" ways, though. When you are nervous about a wedding, the last thing you need is the added pressure of an NM 'losing it".
  I would take this in to consideration when you decide what her involvement will be. That is just my opinion and I could be wrong(hope I am ,too)      Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Welcome, ACOFaNPDMom,

I am sorry you're coping with a Nmom at wedding time.
I'm sure she thinks the ceremony is about her.

This sort of situation makes me think of:

--an intimate private wedding with close positive loving friends only
--a party afterward including everyone

Or,

A civil wedding at the courthouse.

At this geriatric age, I would not tolerate any hissyfits on a day that was about a happy future.
I truly would not.

But I'm not sure where you are in your journey about her?

Glad you're here.

Hops

[Leah]

Dear ACOFaNPDMom

Warm welcome to you,
Glad you are here.

Boundaries, distance, are all healthy
under the circumstances.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Aco...

The most sensible, practical, peaceful, joyful, and satisfying thing to do, imo, is elope!

(or send mom an invitation with the wrong date)

Seriously... I hope that you're able to drastically minimize her involvement in your occasion... it is your event, you know!

Carolyn

[Overcomer]

My best advice is to get your fiance involved.  When my mom sent me over the edge while planning my D's reception, my H said he would talk to her.  She would not pull her stuff in front of him.  I also think if you NEVER are in the room alone with her she cannot pull her stuff.  I have learned that one the hard way.  You think after all the times I got burned I would stop putting my hand in the fire!

[Bella_French]

I can relate; my fiance and I have been engaged for years. I started to plan the wedding 4 years ago, and almost immediately butted heads with my mother. I could tell right away that my wedding was going to be a complete  compromise or an enormous emotional struggle to be heard, so we just put it off altogether.

We basically decided to save up for the wedding ourselves, so that we would be in control of the situation. And I put more distance between my mother and I, to break the sense of influence she had over my life. Its been rocky, and she hasn't liked this, but she has tamed down quite a bit.

Our saving plan didn't go very well, as we started up our own business. So my dreams of a normal wedding, a reasonable number of guests,  and pretty gown whittled down over time to a just a little backyard party, a few family members, and celebrant.  Thats kind of what we have been expecting to do, maybe this year.

But interestingly, my mother's dog died tis month, and it has been a major narcissistic Injury for her. This week she has been on the phone apologising for this and that, including her inflexibility regarding my wedding. She has even booked and paid for a joint holiday to the place we wanted to be married. I'm quite sure she'll love it, and that everything go just how I wanted in the beginning. Its so weird how things turn out!

I can definitely sympathize with your position, for sure. I still have fears surrounding my mother undermining me at my wedding, in front of guests or personal friends. She tends to do that. But she's a great organiser too, so I willbe grateful for her help. I'm trying to look at her positives, and hope for the best at the moment.

X bella