No one ever noticed she does not recognize me. How can I thank you for giving me recognition of not existing in her eyes. Validation is healing to my spirit. ((Lise))You are a big and a good person seasons, keep loving her.
Yes, I will always love her. Thats what hurts the most, I would love to share that with her.
Lise,
Thank you for sharing prayer with me. It is healing and powerful. I'm grateful for your friendship. I am blessed. seasons
Dear Seasons,
MY read on what you are going through,now, is that your intuition is telling you NOT to contact her. That is what I got from your last post. I could be wrong,but it is my impression, Seasons. Love Ami
Your impression is right Ami.
I think felt an inner trigger again. Feeling like the bad one for not showing up, in her life. But that is what it is,
her life, I can choose to be her audience again. If I do I will again feel hatred, when it really is pain and sadness.
She can be very charming at first, I remember. My memories are flooding back.
Then she turns, her eyes dart right through you.
Even when you applaud, she dismisses that and continues on. Doesn't even receive that from me.
When you speak she looks and says nothing. So I end up squirming because of the silence, being dismissed, not being seen or heard is painful and embarrassing.
Also their has been an elephant in the room, me, abuse they never acknowledged. Dismissed again.
This is the truth of us, as two in a relationship that would be really one.
I went through years that I thought God would want me to be there. To be bigger and take it because he loves her too. I felt so much pressure to honor God, yet couldn't take the pain.
I feel God hopefully will not punish me for not turning my cheek. I don't think he will because he does know my heart, I do love her, I do wish her happiness, love and health.
Being with her erodes those loving thoughts.
Maybe I could ease my guilt, and send her an email once in a while instead of letting six months go by
Gosh I'm just rambling thoughts as they roll through my head. Thank you Ami, this must seem like such nonsense to you at this time.
Your heart is selfless. I admire your love you give while in such pain. Love to you seasons
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Dear Seasons,
NOOOOO. You are doing what we should NOT be doing . Your pain is NOT diminished b/c of MY pain. Your pain is real. We,from abusive homes, discount our pain as 'not so bad" b/c s/one has it worse. I did this , as a child, all the time. I did not honor my own pain, b/c I had "material "things. It is a way of dishonoring ourselves, Seasons. I had to bring this up.
Seasons, when you got quiet, your intuition gave you the answer. It is pitiful that you don't have a sister who loves you ,in a way that feels good.
I bet that you would be a wonderful sister. I can tell that by your posts.
N's can't help how they are,IMO. All we can do is "beat them back".
I have decided that my M is worth having a relationship with,but that is very recent, and Vaknin says that as N's age, they can mellow ,if they want a relationship with their children.
Maybe, someday your sister will "mellow". I had NC for many, many years before my M was "teachable". Also, I had to get strong enough to beat her back, which I could only do after a year ,on the board.
So, there is still hope, Seasons(IMO). However, now is not the time, as you know inside.
People will ,probably, disagree about the 'hope" part. I think that the main reason my M changed ,in a word, was b/c I got strong . She simply could not bully me, anymore.
Seasons, just keep facing the truth of yourself ,on the board. Maybe,in time, you could have a "miracle" as I have. Everything has a "season". I waited many years to be strong enough to fight my M and many years for her to back down. Love Ami
